Hey all. My husband and I have been on a break for 5 weeks now. The break stemmed from my husbands anger issues and bad porn addiction. I told him to get therapy during this time and we can reevaulate when we feel ready. We have one 4 year old ttogether.
We’ve gone to marriage counseling twice and individual therapy multiple times this break. We’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions and I’ve physically never felt so sick.
During this time we’ve talked about how we have experienced happiness, sadness, excitement, anger all of the emotions.. we’ve continued to separate. Last Friday we got in to it on the phone to make a long story short he said I can’t love you the way you want to be loved and I didn’t know what to say so I said well maybe we shouldn’t be together then and he said he’s happier and experiencing peace.sooo I’m like okay he’s wanting a divorce and idk what I want but it made me lean to that side as well.. obviously.
He gets our child on weekends since break and Friday night after our call he went out which is totally fine but his sister sent me a photo of our kid at breakfast with them sat morninh and my husbands hand was in pic with no wedding ring .. pic seemed intentional. But whatever we established no ground rules but I was still shocked and based off our convo Friday and no ring I was mentally preparing for divorce. and that was okay as much as it hurt. Fast forward to Tuesday when we had our second marriage counseling.. I brought all that up and he said him and his personal therapist talked about maybe my husband never loved me the way he thought he did and he was struggling and how confused he is and how much happier he is on his own etc…..
Last night I was getting my son from him after work and he said he misses his family and I said what r u doing too me! You’re legit dragging me through the mud… he said he wants to try. But for the last 5 days I’ve been mentally preparing for divorce. I don’t know how I can look past all he said, if he’s sincere with what he said last night or not..
I do feel peace and enjoy my time but I also don’t want to regret whichever decision we make. im so torn. and he said lets try cause he doesnt wanna regret it but then i said for the last 5 weelks youve done NOT ONE THING to show me u want or need me. he said hes healing himself and working on himself.. i just dnt knoq whatnto do!!!!
4 comments
He sounds lost. Almost directionless.
I have to wonder if taking off the ring when going out was a test for him that didn’t go as planned. He was hoping no ring would get him some attention…. and it didn’t. He’s happy on his own because he doesn’t have to worry about controlling his anger or addiction, but he’s unhappy because that comes with not being able to see his child every day. He wants the freedom but he wants the family too. Like I said – lost. Almost stuck being unable to make a decision. So, he’s trying for both and that’s rightfully hurting you.
I think you need to start looking at this in terms of whether or not he’s fixing the issues that led to the split in the first place, not whether or not he misses you. If he’s not working on his anger issues, then what prevents you two from ending up right back here? If he’s not working on his addiction issues, same question? I get that it would be wonderful to get back to the love you two once had, but I think it’s more important that he show progress on fixing the rather serious issues that prompted the break in the first place. If he can’t show progress there, then you have to wonder if he really wants to change?
I’d tell him he needs to earn back his family
He needs to find a therapist to help him with his issues. He’s taken off his ring so has be already cheated? If so just walk
But you’ve been there. You were doing the work. He isn’t. He needs to show he can be a good husband that you deserve.
He told you he’s experiencing peace. now that you’re separated.
He’s told you that he might’ve never loved you how he thought he did.
He told you he’s much happier on his own.
What more do you want him to say before you accept it? He doesn’t even wear his wedding ring anymore. If he truly missed his family he’d make a conscious effort to fix the issues you guys have. You two have been together for at least 5 years and he just now “wants to try.” I hope you make the best decisions for yourself.
Good Luck, Stay Strong 🖤
I hope he’s seeing a CSAT therapist. I would recommend no couples therapy until he’s sober for sometime from his addiction and really working his recovery. My husband is a porn addict and we were seeing a couples therapist that said he could help with the porn addiction but he gave us really bad advice. Of course I didn’t realize it at the time until I was with my own CSAT therapist. The sub r/loveafterporn has a great resource library for both addicts and partners of addicts. I wish you all the best! I hope he’s being honest with you but always verify because they are great liars.