Hi marriage warriors!! I am feeling some sort of way after a comment my husband made to me last night. Some context first.
For the last several years, I have been having some health issues. I have been in and out of doctors offices and ER’s with mostly being told everything is normal. Well, I know my body and I knew something wasn’t right so I kept on trying to figure it out. I was ultimately diagnosed with Hasimotos Thyroiditis. This is an autoimmune disease and it’s been wreaking havoc on me physically and emotionally. My husband has heath issues of his own. About 8 years ago he had a kidney transplant due to type 2 diabetes. His health is really worse than mine in the sense that he must get monthly infusions and should eat a low glycemic/low sugar diet. The problem is, he doesn’t focus on his diet. He eats carbs and sugar like a kid in a candy store. As his wife, I try to help by cooking healthy foods and I try to get us to workout together but he resists me at every point. It’s difficult to help someone who doesn’t seem to want help, but then when I focus on my own health and share with him what we can do together, he cops an attitude. Last night, I mentioned (again) that we should really focus on our health and doing it together will make it so much easier. He made a sarcastic joke and then said “do you mean focus or obsess?” He said that I am obsessed with my health and it’s all I talk about. That really hurt my feelings because it made me feel like I was being some hypochondriac and a nuisance to him.
Anyway, I’m not easily offended but for the rest of the night I was just put off/turned off by his comment. I am making my health a priority and if that makes me “obsessed” then I guess I am.
Am I wrong here? 🤦🏼♀️
5 comments
I’ve had similar experience with my spouse. Serious health issues affected by diet & life choices that they refused to adjust. A kidney transplant is a big deal. Refusing to adjust diet afterwards is extremely childish (selfish). Is your spouse childish in other areas of their life or your relationship?
Being concerned about your health & his health is the adult, mature, responsible thing. Ignoring the consequences of our lifestyle/food choices only accelerates the consequences.
You need to put your health first. If you don’t nobody else will. But you also need to confront your spouse and figure out where the boundary is so he does not make you suffer the consequences for his childish decisions. You also need to avoid parentalizing him as that becomes an even larger burden on you.
Ah I see well this is a bit relatable. I think he might be internalizing your own will to focus on your health because he’s feeling insecure.
I had gained some weight right before and during Covid and didn’t want to give up bad eating habits. My wife who is very fit in comparison fussed and worried about me. Tbh I wasn’t very receptive at first. I’d get irritated and snap at her (very much like what your husband was doing) because I felt she was making passes at me. Truthfully though, she just loves me. I’ve cut down on sugar and eating much better. She cheerfully told me my clothes are fitting me better and she’s happy.
Also: having goals as couples can be fun. We are entering a Lord of the Rings virtual walk/run challenge together which will have us walking and jogging together which is great.
You love him and he’s wrestling with something that makes him insecure. Stay firm but remind him that you love him and want him to stick around
I have a similar issue with my husband not focusing enough on his health. He has admitted that his lifestyle is “unsustainable” and also that he needs to drink less beer and lose weight to maybe help with his blood pressure. At first, I was like you, trying to be supportive and suggesting things we can do together, etc. That only led to frustration on both sides. Now I have taken the position that his health is his and his alone. It is his to manage, his to worry about or not, and his to face the consequences of getting older and having increasing issues. I no longer get frustrated about it or discuss it with him, because honestly, it didn’t help anything and it is his life and choices to make. Instead, I just focus on my own health, physical and mental, because it is the only thing I CAN control. There is a lot less tension between us I think in part because of this. Perhaps you should stop talking to your husband about your health issues or what you are doing about them. He is probably prickly because he realizes he is not doing what he should, so in a way it is triggering to him. Just do your thing, talk to your doctors and not your husband, and live your best, healthiest life. Make it a “me” thing instead of a “we” thing.. Let his doctors give him the advice and tell him the consequences of his choices. He will address his health (nor not) when he is ready, and nothing you can do will change that.
I think you’re right and that there is nothing wrong with focusing on health and wellness. Health is wealth. If your husband thinks it’s weird then he has the right to feel that way but I agree with you.
It’s all fun and games until someone needs a foot amputated. My dad was diabetic, and he scarfed carbs and sugar. He ended up being close to 300 lbs at 5’6″. I have always been health concious, he used to refer to my excercise regimen as torture. I just saw what he was doing to himself, and did the opposite. We took care of him for about 8 years with the last 3 I had to lift his scooter in and out of my vehicle anytime he wanted to go anywhere. Like you I tried to get him to get up and move, but in the end it was his choice not to care.