What is it like to be in a healthy, non-abusive relationship?

31 comments

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2. I feel like this question is more personal than it is curious. 😅 But, I’d say safe and fun.

3. It’s the foundation of my world. Everyone deserves it, so don’t settle for less.

   Edit: it is also the result of years of work, growing up and being adults and compromise on both sides. The work never ends, but if both partners are putting it in, it’s less like work than a way of life.

4. Honestly? Boring, in the best way possible.

   Predictable. Stable. Free from the constant “do they really love me/mean what they say” second-guessing. Comfortable. Safe.

   You’re able to voice your opinion without being insulted, and you can express your discontent with a situation without worrying whether it will end your relationship. For people who come from a long line of somewhat tumultuous entanglements, like me, it’s a refreshingly monotonous existence.

   That doesn’t mean there won’t be surprises or disagreements, just that they don’t usually come with life-altering consequences.

5. Being in a healthy, non-abusive relationship might feel boring at first. You’re waiting for the drama. You’re waiting for the abuse to start. You might feel unstable or suspicious. You might draw incorrect conclusions about your partner or pick fights/make comparisons to your ex. You might feel unworthy of being in a stable, healthy relationship.

   You have to get used to being treated right and really trust your new partner. All this unhealthy stuff is going to come out of you for months while you process. Your partner needs to be patient and understanding.

6. First time being together with a nice partner after leaving an abusive one was.. not all rainbows and sunshine either.

   I was so anxious because he wasn’t shouting at me. I didn’t know what to expect, what he was thinking. Nothing like what I was used to. It tortured me for a good month. Sometimes felt very boring too since abusive people are always so dramatic about everything. I sometimes tried to start an argument because I couldn’t wait for him to explode.

   Once I understood what normal and healthy relationship was supposed to be like, it was so much fun! Felt wanted, cherished, someone actually cared about me. Calming and safe. Gained a lot of confidence because they see the best in you. We never fought. We were honest and always communicate as much as possible to solve whatever problems we had. Would apologize and forgive each other. Best feeling ever.

7. It’s a source of security and safety in my life, not the reason for my stress/anxiety. Boundaries are clear and respected and the relationship is built on mutual trust

8. At first is a shock. Because you initially distrust everything, but then you learn that are people who are worth it.

9. Comfortable. Safe. Predictable. Feels effortless and light. Makes other things in life easier to deal with.

10. honestly, it reminds me of a story from greek mythology (hear me out). the story goes – IIRC – that humans used to be 8-limbed creatures with two heads, and we were so powerful the gods were afraid of us. zeus used his powers to split all humans into two separate beings, and scattered us across the globe, forever searching for our missing second half.

    finding her was like finding the other half of me, and loving her is putting myself back together. i truly feel like we are one person in two bodies, a fearful and wonderful creature that has found itself. it’s the safety of knowing someone, and them knowing you in return. like others have said, it can be boring!!! after 4 years, there isn’t the anxiety/excitement combo of the beginning, but i wouldn’t trade my other half (literally) for the world.

11. Tbh – from someone who went from a horrible marriage to a healthy relationship- you realise daily how hard it was before.

    You stop overthinking the little things that you do. You’re amazed at how someone communicates with you. You’re confused when they tell you how they feel and then move forward with you. They don’t guilt you into doing things. They don’t blame you for their behaviour. They don’t make you feel guilty when you haven’t don’t anything. They give you space, not as a punishment but when you need it. They don’t punish you. You don’t wake up wondering where you stand. You feel secure, safe and loved.

    Honestly – it’s a world apart.

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13. It feels safe and comfortable, that person feels like home no matter where you are.

    The worst thing you can imagine them doing is eating your leftovers. You know they’ll never do anything worse than that.

    They respect your decisions and you can have level conversations about hard things and still love each other at the end of it, even if you still disagree.

    OP, I hope you find this with someone one day

14. Peaceful.
    Comforting.
    Safe.

    However, if you come from a toxic relationship, you’re going to have to UNLEARN TOXIC DEFENSES.
    I did.
    I still do, 10 years later.
    It’s hard.
    It’s worth it.

    We don’t fight.
    Ever.
    We have disagreements but we never yell or get in each other’s faces, I am never accused of being crazy for worrying about something that bothered me, I am never worried about being shut out or ignored, there is a LOT of communication.
    I left my ex/daughter’s dad 10 years ago, a year later I met my current partner/son’s dad. It is night and day in so many ways.

15. Comfortable, loving, safe. It’s normal every day stuff made better by the simple fact that you’re together, whether that’s cooking dinner or both working from home independently but next to each other. We still plan date nights and outings of course, but I never worry when we’ve both got a really busy couple of weeks and we’re unable to do much more than seeing each other an hour before we go to bed. It’s knowing you can sometimes get annoyed at the other person without that having any consequences. It’s just SO comforting to know that there’s always that one person, and that they’ll always be there. Like a steady component in your life that you can always fall back on.

    It’s never boring imo, but I can imagine it may seem that way if you’re used to huge ups and downs.

16. Damn, I wish I knew.

17. boring but very very calming.

18. Its hard at first, because you’re bracing for impact. You think its going to go like the other ones. You might find it hard to open up with your new partner

    Once you settle in though, its so freeing.

    Its being able to go out with friends and come home to someone asking you how it was with genuine interest.
    Its the day to day living, in the best way possible. Sharing responsibilities and chores, helping eachother.
    Its being able to laugh and joke on an equal plane with eachother instead of getting it back in your face.
    Its less day to day little anxieties that you might not have even noticed because you’re not on eggshells anymore.
    Its being able to talk about boundaries and have them respected.
    Its about talking about your past without it being used against you.
    Sometimes you might slip up and hurt eachother, but you’re able to talk about that hurt and fix it.
    Its both parties compromising occasionally, not just one.
    Its feeling free, its feeling loved, its feeling respected.

19. After coming from a non healthy one? Scary. I heard somebody say toxic relationships are easy while healthy relationships aren’t and that’s always stuck with me. Mainly because it was true for me. Being in a healthy relationship requires trust, honesty, and vulnerability and that can be daunting when all you know is non healthy patterns and behaviors.

20. Is there really such a thing?

21. It feels comfortable and safe. I look forward to seeing my partner whereas with my ex I’d stay longer at work because I didn’t know what I was coming home to!

    We make each other feel loved and even when we get cranky, we know that we’ve got each other’s back’s 100%.

    We laugh together and enjoy chatting. Sometimes it gets a little dull but that usually just means we need to go out and do something different – perhaps separately.

    I’m so glad I was brave enough to move on from my ex even though it felt like I’d never meet someone else!

22. I predict I’ll never know! 🥲

23. Sucks lol…just sucks less cause you ain’t getting abused.

24. It means being able to talk about the hard things, not being afraid, showing affection. It means being a team, while remaining individuals. It is amazing.

25. You flourish. Literally become a completely upgraded version of yourself because you are safe and supported in doing so.

    I like to compare making the transition from an unhealthy relationship -> healthy relationship to those videos of abandoned and abused dogs who get adopted.
    In an unhealthy relationship, you are angry, suspicious, and paranoid. Nothing is stable and you don’t even recognise yourself.

    In a healthy relationship, the opposite happens. You have the space and stability to become a happier, more confident person. You’re with someone who always has your back and will support you as you get all the tools you need to grow. The end result is like the mangy, biting dogs in the videos who, with the right about of love and care, become amazing family dogs.

    (In my experience, this also happens when you transition into a healthy relationship with YOURSELF)

26. It’s just … normal, I guess. In the best possible way. Comforting. You feel what it’s really like to be yourself but like best version of you. Non keeping score who did what and what’s next

27. It’s SO easy.

28. Sorry after everything 😅

29. It feels awesome. We love and respect each other and treat each other with kindness. It’s safe and comfortable, but I don’t find it boring at all. We have a fucking blast together and even after 24 years together come across as newlyweds to people.

30. After 4 years, quite nice.

31. It’s great. I feel uplifted, he supports me unconditionally and is always so proud of everything I achieve, never threatened. He makes me want to be a better person in every way, and I strive to do better because he gives me confidence and self-belief and I want him to be proud of me. He soothes my fears without making me feel lesser for having them. He never asks me to shine less brightly so he looks better in comparison.

    We disagree respectfully and make up before we go to bed. We never run out of things to talk about and laugh all the time. He is never cruel or hurtful towards me. I feel safe and warm and comfortable, like being wrapped up in a long hug, but excited, because I’m looking forward to the future. We’ve been together 19 years and I’m so looking forward to our future, but I also don’t want it to go by too fast. I want to enjoy every minute. He is my favourite person and my best friend.