hi all,
after setting our relationship on hold for one month and a half, I’ll be meeting up with my partner next week for the first time. Two months ago she found out that I cheated, after being in a relationship for two years. After she found out we pretty much went no contact, and I fully grasped that time to work on myself – seeing a therapist on a weekly basis, writing out my feelings, working out every day, listening a lot of podcasts and sharing my feelings with friends. During this time I found out that I have a hard time creating emotional and physical safety for my partner(s) in romantic relationships.
I would love to give our relationship a new try with the tools that I didn’t have before our relationship break. I obviously want to take things slow and not put any pressure on her, my therapist advised me to focus on listening to her feelings first and foremost, in order to get as much insight as possible in her feelings during the past weeks.
I would be more than happy to learn from those who have experience with similar conversations. Thanks so much.
​
TLDR: how would you handle a first conversation with your partner after a couple of weeks of no contact because you’ve made serious mistakes?
3 comments
Consider it like learning to swim where first you have to take the temperature of the water and then you put a body part in if that’s comfortable you start to immerse yourself in the water and then you move forward to a full stroke. Of course all this has to be mutual as you approach each intervention. Good luck.
You are a 31 year-old grown-ass man. You haven’t changed, in any meaningful way, in just six weeks. It took you years to grow into the person you are. It is going to take years to improve how you approach relationships and the world at large.
When you meet with your ex take full responsibility for what you did. Apologize for being a shitty partner. She is in the driver’s seat here. Don’t expect that anything you say can fix what you destroyed.
The damage that you’ve caused hasn’t evaporated just because you have gone to therapy a handful of times. Expect that she is going to be uninterested in pursuing any kind of relationship with you.
You made this mess and you need to own the consequences.
This isn’t the answer you want but likely the one you need.
You did irreversible damage to your relationship with your ex. If you do get back together what will probably end up happening is that it gets worse and then you two end it. If you do miraculously stay together forever it still won’t be the same.
The questions you should be asking yourself are:
Why do you want to continue this relationship?
Why did you cheat on her?
Why did it take the risk of losing her to realize you weren’t being the best partner you could be?
There are no right or wrong answers. It’s just important for you to know them.
I think you should make a clean break and spare this woman any more misery. Work on yourself and don’t repeat this in your next relationship.