I feel like there’s an expectation from the other side that is telling the story that you should get overly excited for them.
With the internet today we’ve worked through a lot of negative patterns but I feel like we entered now the other extreme side of this.
And this is what you know as toxic positivity.
It is as though we have to pretend we’re happy for people’s achievements genuinely otherwise you’re jealous or you don’t deserve their friendships.
I feel like there’s even an unconscious reading from the other side to check how you reacted to that.
That shit makes me so so nervous.
Before, I’d think I was jealous, but now I’m pretty sure I’m not.
I just don’t know how to react, because my feelings are pretty genuine in relation to them.
I’m glad they got what they want but I don’t know their fights to achieve this so it is impossible to feel what they’re feeling.
I pretended so much before, but now I feel like this is enough.
I’m trying to find who I really am in this.
And yesterday for example my friend told me he got a new job and I kept a straight face and could sense the reading coming from his part.
I didn’t say what I’d say before with a big smile on my face “I’m happy for you” I don’t wanna lie anymore. It is not like a choice though, I just feel like I lost this capacity and that is good.
I was a good pretender, but now, even a child can tell if I’m lying.
So it is not like I can choose.
I’m not saying we shouldn’t be glad that people are reaching their goals, but we shouldn’t pretend something we’re not feeling.
That’s being loyal to thyself.
Does anyone feel the same?
4 comments
No. Not at all. “I’m happy for you” is something I say sincerely, because I mean it.
If you don’t feel even a little happy for them when something good happens to them, that would suggest that that person holds no emotional weight for you at all and there’s no point in them trying to be friends with you. You’re not invested in them and their life, why should they invest in you and yours?
Something to consider is whether you truly don’t care about them or if you do but you’re suppressing your emotions.
I think toxic positivity is more a case of pretending everything is perfect when it’s not. Or pretending you can push past ‘bad stuff’ just by exuding positivity. Etc.
Between friends, part of the friendship is the ability to be on each other’s emotional wavelength. We become friends with people because we CARE about them and what affects them. So if something brings them joy, we’re happy because they’re happy, and we enjoy celebrating with them. Similarly, we feel the pain of their losses (although obviously not to the extent that they do.) The key is we’re tapping into THEIR feelings, not necessarily experiencing those feelings in the same way, but just empathizing with them.
Sometimes people have trouble with that, and have trouble making/keeping deeper friendships because of it. Basically it’s the ability to CARE more, and to also SHOW that you care.
I do think it’s possible to work on your own feelings in that area, but it’s also to a certain extent a choice. If you’re not motivated to care, there’s nothing inherently wrong with that either. But the friendship will not be as close, usually.
I’d put a small reaction at the beginning, but then continue with genuine questions that are related, like:
Wow, nice. What will you be doing there?
Cool. Is it better than the previous one?
Right on. Are you planning to keep it for a longer period?
So instead of giving them time to interpret your reactions, which you might not feel like doing, it keeps the conversation and allows you to show interest and get to know other conversation details. I have a feeling that it’s also probably more honest and real than jumping with joy for an information that doesn’t affect you too much.