I am a painfully awkward and quiet person when I am around people I don’t know. I want to, so badly, be able to just talk to people. I love talking to people. I love when people approach me first. I desperately want to be an easy person to talk to, and I want to be a person that people want to talk to.
So what prompted this rant is that at work, i haven’t really made any friends, and I have been there over a year. I got lucky at my last couple of jobs and the friends I made there were usually the ones who initiated any kind of conversation so I was able to form relationships with them. At this job though, if you don’t try, people will just leave you be. And I am not mad about that or anything, like I understand that people may not want to have to initiate every single conversation they have with me. But I feel so isolated and it seems like everyone is buddy buddy except me. It doesn’t help that I am the only person in the office that is technically in their own department, either.
I am just so so so tired of feeling this self pity for myself. It is so uncomfortable to have to sit by myself all day, listening to everyone around me strike up conversation with each other. The whole time I am just sitting there thinking “god, why can’t I just freaking talk to people like a normal person??”
I know these feelings stem from a staggering amount of insecurity on my end. It’s something I have struggle with since I was 13. I just never see myself as good enough or interesting enough to talk to, and I feel that if I try to make any attempts at conversation, people will just get annoyed. I know it’s in my own head, but it is a hard feeling to shake when it is so deep seeded. I also feel like at this point at work, it would be weird of me to just all of a sudden become super social.
I guess I just wanted to rant, and talk to people who have been in my shoes. It feels so lonely but I know I am not the only one who feels this way. If anyone has gone through this and has any tips or ways you have gotten through this kind of anxiety, I am all ears! And thank you for reading this 🙂