Sometimes the wife will get upset with me and tell me she is. While I’ve learned to validate her feelings, I do disagree with why she becomes upset. Is there a compromise for both of us to get the point across? Has anyone else dealt with this?

12 comments

  1. Descriptive and complicated wording so it sounds like you’re swaying in her favor but you’re not.

    When they get confused and ask what you just said do this:

    Step One: Stare blankly for a second

    Step Two: “I just lost my train of thought.”

  3. The 3 Fs. Feel, Felt, Found

    Here is the word track.

    “Hunny I understand how you “feel”
    In fact I “felt” the same way too, but
    What I “found” is that if you…….fill in the blank~~

  5. If she’s upset with *you* for unreasonable reasons, you are under no obligation to “validate her feelings.” That’s just setting yourself up for being emotionally manipulated and abused and treated as a punching bag. It’s also recipe for your wife resenting you for being a spineless chump who doesn’t stand up for himself.

  6. Feeling can absolutely be wrong. If you can if her feelings aren’t reasonable, are you sure you want to be validating them?

  8. Usually best to separate the two things. An example that’s oversimplified but makes my point (and we can probably all relate to)

    ​

    * You are driving together in the car. Another driver is tailgating, and otherwise being a moron. Your SO is getting mad and then the driver dangerously passes you and cuts you off. SO honks the horn and gives them the finger. Other driver starts braking randomly and driving slow. SO gets more mad.
    * SO turns to you and says – what is wrong with this moron, he is putting us all in danger for no reason
    * You COULD say “yeah I would be mad too, but maybe if you didnt honk and swear at them, we wouldn’t be getting brake checked like this” but I think 99% of us would get more mad

    Separate the two:

    1. Validate the feelings – yeah this guy is driving like a moron, he probably has issues in the bedroom and this is his only way to get through the day. Just back off and let him carry on with his sad behavior…. I would be mad too. What a jackass.. etc. etc.
    2. Later when jackass is gone, maybe even not when you are in a car… Say hey I was thinking about that situation in the car earlier, and I googled the best way to avoid escalating those road rage situations… It says to just ignore them, don’t honk or swear at them and just turn your music up and carry on. I’m going to try that next time it happens to me…

    ​

    That’s it. They might still not listen, but better chance of success than trying to argue while they are experiencing the emotion (whatever it is). Hopefully the example is something that makes sense for you to be in their shoes for too… Like getting criticized when you are mad is almost never constructive.

  9. If she’s upset with you for some nonsense reason, you are under no obligation to play along. She doesn’t need her feelings validated, and you shouldn’t be her enabler. If you love her, don’t pander to her.

  11. All emotions have a root cause. They are extremely dark and deep seated in our subconscious. They are things like, “I am worthless” or “I am unlovable” or “I am stupid” Most of the motivations in people’s lives are efforts to prove these deep insecurities wrong. During the normal day to day these things stay hidden.

    When situations arise that indicate these insecurities might be true, people have emotional and unreasonable reactions. This is why we feel obligated to validate feelings. But it can have the opposite effect you want. You may be validating the deeper insecurity.

    When you watch your wife have a reaction, ask yourself, what is really going on here? What is that deep emotion that is driving her to this. You love her, find out what she needs to feel lovable. You respect her, find out what she needs to feel worthy. You find her intelligent, fine out what she needs for her intelligence to be recognized. All this can be in the context of whatever the fight is about. Its also worth sacrificing a little pragmatism.

    Its also important to recognize that you have some deep seated insecurity driving you as well. If your needs conflict with giving her validation then you will be at constant odds and making each other feel worse each time those needs clash.

    In summary, the reasons are not what you think. Its not about the pragmatic details. Its about how we all feel about ourselves. When you make that the reason, it will change everything.

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