How can I feel happy by myself? I was cheated on by my first boyfriend twice and now he says he’s willing to change and wants us back. I do want the old relationship back but there isn’t trust, so I’m not giving him the chance because of all the lies and cheating. Yet I still believe he can change and be better in the future, but who’s to say? He was an ass of a boyfriend but during the course of our relationship I feel I’ve developed an attachment to him that I can’t let go. Like I’m codependent on him and need him to feel happy or validated but I know this isn’t right.
It isn’t about whether I get back with him or not (I don’t plan on it) but how do I get rid of this feeling? I know it takes time but how do I not rely on others making me happy? How can I be happy with myself? I want to be able to move on and not get so attached in future relationships where I find it difficult to let go. I already go to therapy but I still haven’t been able to really fix this issue within myself. There are positive things about me that I SHOULD feel proud of or happy about, but I just don’t. I feel like I always need compliments (I don’t fish for them though) or some words of affirmation in order to feel something good about me.
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A lot of people cheated on internalise it. They assume it was some deficit on their part, start wondering why they weren’t good enough. That is obviously wrong, like your ex the majority of the time cheaters are just weak or shitty people and he was never a good partner and therefore he did it just because that is what shitty partners do. But a side effect of that thinking is that many people cheated on hope if they get back with the cheater that will ‘prove’ they were better, or that it was just a mistake or whatever. That actually they wanted you all along and etc. They hope it will heal the damage done by the cheating. But you know it doesn’t, it can’t, and he will likely do it again.
Learning to divorce your self worth from his affirmation is integral. He didn’t cheat because of you, he cheated because he has many problems. Of course he wants you back, you are too good for him and he knows it. That’s why he is love bombing you.
The dynamic you have is called ‘trauma bonding’, the cycle of stability, drama, lovebombing and repeat where the abuser manipulates the feelings of the victim, causes them to become dependent on the abuser for affirmation. It is a hard cycle to break but part of it is acknowledging it like you are now. You know he is shit, you know you are better, you know there is no relationship that works with him. Write it on a piece of paper, frame it, look at it every morning while you make breakfast if you have to.