TLDR: Don’t feel respected in a relationship – do I try and do better or is “just doing good enough” as good as I can hope for?
I recently turned down a dream job/dream city opportunity to support my partner’s career. There is a very large chance that the consequences of that will be my own career going down the pan. Some days, I feel ambivalent about that as it’s a fairly demanding career path and I could fairly easily switch tracks and improve my quality of life (I have a STEM PhD and can code). Other days, it really gets me down – especially as I know this is a sacrifice my partner would never make for me.
At the same time, I’m not convinced the relationship is supportive. I notice that my friendships and hobbies suffer as a result of it, and I don’t feel hugely respected – I’m pretty introverted but find it tricky to get enough space for myself. My partner is extremely messy and I feel like I’m constantly clearing up after them to make space for myself. When I discuss these issues and feelings, my partner tends to diagnose me various issues: an eating disorder, work addiction disorder, exercise addiction disorder, and an attachment disorder have all been mentioned. My partner has no professional background or credentials that would ground such a diagnosis, but naturally they make me reconsider my relationship with all of these issues. This said, when I do my reading, I don’t see a huge amount of myself when I look at the associated symptoms.
There are positives – we share interests, have fun together, and have a nice social circle around us.
Question – if you were financially independent, would you stay in the above situation? Or strike out on your own? I struggle with this a lot at the moment.
6 comments
I wouldn’t feel great about my partner diagnosing me for asking for help with chores, no.
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Do you feel like it’s worth working on? Because it sounds like a profound lack of understanding for you. Sometimes that can be fixed, therapy is a good start.
You are in the situation where your partner is already used to just go over your needs. She does not seem to be as empatic as you or just put herself first at all and if she is comfortable she may think of your needs. I know this sounds very negative but I know this kind of relationsships way too good.
Two points I have for you:
1. Tell her exactly those things as you did here in a neutral way. How you feel and why. If she doesnt take it serious (and that means progress, not promises!) dump her because it will always be like this.
2. Use every chance to improve your ability to stand for your needs and set your limits. Dont try to satisfy everybody on cost of your own life.
All the best.
Not for a minute would I stay.
Sounds like you have fallen for sunken cost fallacy.
Even though you stayed for 10 years, you should not stay any longer. This guy doesn’t treat you right. You will probably resent him later.
Its a deflection and making you the problem instead of her. She doesn’t start picking up after herself but instead gets you reading up on these disorders that have nothing to do with you, then I’m guessing you get back to the chores until it builds up again.
>When I discuss these issues and feelings, my partner tends to diagnose me various issues: an eating disorder, work addiction disorder, exercise addiction disorder, and an attachment disorder have all been mentioned.
I probably shouldn’t have, but I laughed at this bit.
If I discussed issues I was having in my relationship with my wife, and her immediate reaction was to suggest I have some kind of mental illness, that’s probably not a good sign to me. If this happened repeatedly, it would be a sign that I’m probably not being respected in my relationship.
Was there a discussion about this career course thing? Or did you just assume you had to turn it down to support hers?