My bf (19m) and I (18f) broke up because he kept lying to me and hiding things from me. We would always have long conversations about it and I would explain to him that it’s far better for him to tell the truth and not dig himself into a hole by lying over and over, because whatever thing he was scared to tell me we could work through. I’d also always make it clear how much he hurt me when he lied, and how if he kept doing it we would have to break up. He would say that he understood and was very sorry, and that he wanted to change. I know he knows it’s better not to lie and that he does indeed want to change, but he was never able to when we were together (8 months, he had hid things before but the lying started about a month ago.)
The things that he lied about or hid weren’t necessarily small but weren’t relationship-ending either. The problem is that he would lie over and over after I would beg him to tell me the truth. He always denied it until eventually he would come forward with the truth. Oftentimes it would be because I had caught him with evidence that he was lying, but sometimes even then he wouldn’t admit it immediately. After about a month of consistently being lied to and finding out about it, I ended things. It’s been very hard because I still have feelings for him and nearly every other part of our relationship was great. He insists that he will never forgive himself for messing up so badly and will do what it takes to change; he understands he can never have a happy and healthy relationship until he does, whether that be with me or anyone else. He’s going to therapy, making lifestyle changes, and insists he doesn’t want to date anyone at all until he’s made the changes he needs to, and that once he has he wants us to try again if that’s what I wanted.
So, excluding the fact that I don’t know if I can ever trust him again, can liars like this truly change? I thought he would have the first time — but he’d been able to look me in the eye every time and lie even if I was sobbing or begging him to tell me the truth. He knew how devastated I was by all of this but was still able to lie. I don’t know if he actually has the ability to change or if therapy would truly help him.
TL;DR my bf of 8 months kept lying to me after he promised he’d change. Lasted about a month before I finally ended things, and he’s still committed to changing (going to therapy, etc) so he can be a better person and maybe get me back. Can he actually change?
18 comments
I wouldn’t trust him until he’s been consistently working on his stuff for a year.
some can, some can’t
Short answer, yes it’s possible, but definitely not a guarantee or even good odds really. and if they do change it will take time.
I mean, don’t treat it as just a moral issue, look at it behaviourally and functionally; you don’t even know all the lies that you didn’t catch, and even when you do catch him, it gives him a bunch of attention and care from you to try to encourage him to be better. Behaviourally, the lying serves a number of useful functions for him. At this point, I just don’t play that game. I’ll observe lies or drama, try to bring it up kindly and gently the first time, and then wait to see how they respond and what they intend the aftermath to be. If they gaslight/lie/minimize/deflect/power trip/gloat etc, and I’ve given them time to come clean on their own, then I start to distance myself and if they pursue after the distance I set boundaries or I rub their noses in the conflict unpleasantly to get them to fuck off if I’m feeling threatened. I give people one freebie in terms of trust and honesty, because what they do with it also shows me what kind of a person they are. If they fuck it up, I bounce while leaving the offer that they can try again if they can substantively demonstrate that they are ready to own up to their lies by doing the emotional work themselves and coming forward to me and holding themselves accountable. So far, I’ve never had anyone redeem themselves in my eyes after I’ve had to impose a boundary, including my own mother. It’s a hard thing to change, and the best thing you can do is leave them to their own devices and demonstrate that their fuck ups are unacceptable.
Maybe, but you shouldn’t waste your life finding out.
You’re 18, stay away from the lying liar and go live your life.
Ones a liar always a liar
Short answer: this isn’t even a conversation you should ever have to have. You shouldn’t have to tell someone not to lie to you. And expecting someone to stop lying because “you asked them to” is right up there with believing in the tooth fairy.
In my opinion no he won’t change and you shouldn’t waste your life begging him to tell you the truth. You can’t be in a relationship with a person you can’t trust.
Sure, but the problem is the broken trust. You’ll only ever have his word that therapy worked, and that he’s given up lying. He could just learn to become a better liar, and there’s still all the hurt that it took breaking up for him to even begin to try to change.
Changing is hard, rebuilding trust is an entirely different enterprise.
What exaclty are the things he lies about? Do you push him with irritating questions. Most people lie, the question is what is the reason and extent and frequency. Would they lie about small things or big things or both?
There is a possibility youre the toxic one pushing limits. But maybe not. I am saying from my experience cause i have asked a lot of questions to my partners and branded as the culprit as i am the one asking uncomfortable questions too much. Even psychotherapists admit my fault in this more than the partner.
In other words the context is key here. If he lies to avoid nasty things that ruin everybodies day, it mught not be that bad. But if his lies uncover how he approaches relationships with people and people themselves thennits for sure a no go and wont change unless theres a big paradygm shit, like after a death of a close person, tragic circumstances etc.
Some do, some don’t. But why waste time while you’re trying to find out which of those options it’ll be?
This is a bad dynamic, it’s good that you’ve recognized it, and you should move on from this relationship.
The cycle will continue: he lies, you catch him, he apologizes, repeat. You shouldn’t have to be a detective in your relationship.
It’s possible
Speculation based on personal experience here
Especially if the lies are stemming from childhood trauma and getting in trouble for dumb things AND SOMEONE IS ACTUALLY going to therapy and working through it
My cousin is like this. Good kid, rough childhood, and a terrible mother with great insecurities and poor self control. It likely drove him (among other things) to became a chronic liar to cope with his past + insecurities, as well as to connect with other people. The whole shebang, he’d lie about anything in order to make himself look better or spark a connection. I love the little guy, but he can’t seem to help it. All I can do is be patient and help him whenever he asks and I’m able to. He’s still family after all.
For your bf to get better, he must first start being honest with himself. You can lend an ear or a hand whenever necessary, but he cannot rely on you to fix his problem. It has to be him that puts in the work, and it will be a long and grueling process.
Just keep in mind though that his upbringing isn’t your fault. It’s ok to bow out if you feel it’s best.
I can’t give any advice since I don’t know him, but I can share my own experiences.
I was a bad bad liar for all my childhood and youth. My mom despised it and I was scolded for anything anyways so I learned as a child that lying can’t make things worse, it only can help me out at some points to completely dodge the scolding. So basically I was conditioned to lie. And it was hard getting rid of that behavior. I always knew lying was bad and I never lied about my opinion on things but I lied even about minor things like “Did you eat my cookie?” and I said “No” even tho I did it. I was well aware this was bad and whenever I got caught people were really sad about it.
I changed that behavior and I feel way way better today. Still I didn’t do it on my own, my ex helped me a ton with it. We been together over 6 years and it wasn’t even a very good relationship. I completely decided to not only stop lying but also being honest completely, because there’s a difference between those as well. So the lying is actually easiest to stop, when you decide to tell someone the whole and blunt truth about what you think (especially about yourself). When I started my now relationship (3,2 years and best I’ve ever had) I started by telling honestly what I don’t want. Not only “I don’t want you to be rude to me” but even “I dislike being proven wrong in an argument. I know that this is a bad personality treat but I have it, I will try working on it but probably I will be a shitty argument partner because I won’t give in even tho I know you’re right” or “I start pushing people away when they are dear to me because I am afraid they don’t love me as much as I love them”. So if you would be willing to help him out and try again both of you would benefit from learning to do this. Because liars often have trust issues. So imagine him maybe even lying because he doesn’t really trust himself. Imagine he maybe is never really sure if you don’t get mad, even tho rationally he knows, he maybe can’t trust FIS own rational knowledge and doubts it even maybe. So by being completely open to him, you could give him trust and be a good example and help to him. It would make you very vulnerable tho. But to me it was way easier opening up and being honest if I actually trusted the person to love me no matter what I say or believe or do. So my bf and I live monogamous but we still look at other people and pther people’s Instagrams and say “I think he/she is hot” and even tho at first that felt like a shit thing to say it made me actually know and trust that even tho he looks at other girls and think they are hot, he stays with me. And I could tell him I look at other girls and boys and I am allowed to think they are hot and he won’t leave me for that. So thru that we actually gained a lot of trust. And that’s a very extreme example and it may be weird to some. You don’t have to do that. But I hope you get where I am going with this.
The more things I was honest about, the better it felt to be honest. I started really understanding the concept and work of honesty and trust only when I was 23 and I als was at therapy since is was even a child. Learning and achieving this takes time and effort. But the way you describe him I think he understands that.
Still you have to see if YOU can do and live with that. If you try it and then it fails both of you will even loose more trust. So ask yourself if you would really want to risk that. Also maybe you can stay in touch and just really slowly start regaining trust in each other and not straight delving back into a committed relationship. Consider like a loose friendship (with or without benefits is up to you) but only go back into a relationship when you feel like it Already is one and you’re happy with the way it goes.
Considering you’re talking about a teenager, I do hope that he can change. But it’s going to be a long time coming. As another commentor said, I wouldn’t trust him until he has worked on himself for at least an entire year
Why is he lying, to spare your feelings and avoiding awkward conversations? Maybe he can change, but trying again usually doesn’t work. Too many things can happen in the mean time.