I (24F) have been married with my husband (32M) for two years. I also don’t like to shave a lot. It takes too long, it hurts, and I don’t care about my body hair. He specifically doesn’t like my leg hair.
He has mentioned it before in passing like “You look nice but look at your legs!” or “Your legs are hairy, don’t touch me” and I would just laugh about it. But I noticed it really started to bother him this week. I have tried twice to initiate sex this week and he says “you’re on your period stop” but I’m not. Then I finally asked why he didn’t want to have sex and he was quiet and I knew it was because of my legs.
I asked him “will you really not have sex with me because of my legs?” and he said “you know I prefer your legs shaved”. But we have had sex before with my legs not shaven. I asked him “Do you find me unattractive with my legs not shaved?” and it took him 10 seconds to say no! I was really shocked and hurt because my legs not shaved will really make him think I am unattractive? I then asked him “Is me not shaving my legs that big of a problem to the point you won’t have sex with me?” and he stayed quiet and didn’t answer me. I told him his silence was his answer and that I was sleeping in another room.
All alone in the room I thought about our romance. I’ve always been the one initiating the physical part like cuddling, kissing, and sex. He doesn’t start it. He doesn’t tell me I look pretty or nice or beautiful. He doesn’t give me flowers like he used to. I always ask about his day and he doesn’t ask about mine. Like sure, I can shave my legs and he can have sex with me but what about our romance? I’m just really hurt and not sure what I can do.
45 comments
It communicates that you dont care to look your best for him. Clearly theres a part of you that has some resentment towards him for his lack of romance recently. If you two can communicate what you require from each other to have your needs met then there may be a solution.
Something tells me there’s deeper problems than just not shaving.
I usually don’t shave in the winter and my husband doesn’t treat me any differently, but then maybe that’s just him.
I feel the same way when my husband doesn’t keep his face clean shaven. I told him his beard scratches me and the Santa Claus look grosses me out. So he keeps it clean shaven because it’s important to him to be attractive to me. Just like I would shave my legs, arm pits, and pubes for him. If you want to feel attractive to your husband, put in the effort.
A lot of American men have been conditioned by media to think that adult women should have the hair growth of a prepubescent girl (no hair), which, of course is not realistic. Women have body hair, just like men have body hair. Children don’t. A true adult man, that can get past his conditioning shouldn’t have a problem with body hair. If they can’t get past it, I hate to say it, but it makes him seem like a pedophile.
This sounds like way more than just leg hair. Try shaving your legs constantly for a few months and see if there are still problems.
I don’t get this not shaving in the winter thing. So you shave for everyone else except for your partner
Question, are you also okay with wearing shorts being out and about, running errands, exercising, going on a date or wherever while not shaving? Not judging idc about other people’s shaving habits or body hair, just want to know.
Sometimes we do things for our partners.
Consider looking into laser hair removal (not that that’s painless) but may be an option. If shaving hurts you are doing it wrong. I’m a man and shave my legs and it’s not painful. Although if you are prone to razor burn I get that.
I feel body hair is something we have to compromise on for partners sometimes. Bears, hair, body hair, pubes etc everyone has their preferences.
I wouldn’t. But I also wouldn’t ask my husband to shave or not shave any of his body hair in order to have sex with him. And if you don’t shave long enough it’s not prickly and short where it could cause a stubble rash (and likely *his* legs being hairy would prevent that too). Does he shave his legs for sex with you?
My husband will make jokes time to time but he still wants to have sex. I feel like men shouldn’t care that much 🤷🏼♀️ but I’m a female so who knows.
I feel like the biggest issue is that he never initiates. You do have to wonder if this is an excuse on his part to actually avoid intimacy at all with you, because he first started off by saying you were on your period when you weren’t. I would have a deeper conversation with him about this and ask why he isn’t romantic with you anymore.
Regardless, as far as the leg hair, I think he’s being ridiculous. I’ve seen comparisons to beard hair and that is just not the same because that can actively be uncomfortable to kiss someone if their beard is scratchy or rough. That isn’t going to happen with leg hair usually. It’s not a real reason to avoid sex with your spouse besides the aesthetic factor. While I think we should try to be attractive and appealing for our spouses, holding one aspect of your appearance over the other and denying sex until that’s changed is pretty sucky.
For some reason some men are ingrained that women shouldn’t have body hair. We do. And it’s annoying to always have to get rid of it so they like us. My husband would not turn down sex over it though. Seems like maybe there are other issues.
My husband could care less. BUT I have found that a good electric razor and 5 minutes gets just as good of a result as shaving with a razor and shaving cream. If you really want to do that for him, then an electric razor once a week _should_ do the trick.
Dear I’m sorry but I don’t see what one has to do with the other. It’s hairs like I mean it’s natural. Your body is like this just like his. Attractivenes shouldn’t shift because of a few hairs.
I’ve been married for a while and tend to never shave during winter. It doesn’t change a thing for my husband because he is not making love to my legs. He is making love to me, an actual person.
Sorry for you and NO you shouldn’t shave for anyone but yourself if you want to and it seems you don’t want to.
I shave when I feel like it. My husband could careless.
I’ve met men who love body hair on women.
I’ve met men who wouldn’t go near a woman with any body hair.
Some guys have preferences, and some preferences run deep.
I have a partial beard. If I dare grow out the rest, my wife lets me hear it.
I personally do not like hairy legs and it would be big turn off for me. If you know your husband likes shaven legs why not do do this?
Yea, I think the last paragraph is hitting the real problems here. If all that other stuff was in place would a strong preference for shaved legs feel like such a rejection, or is it that ON TOP of all the things you mention in that last paragraph?
To answer your question: My wife has always shaved all body hair. Except for when she was pregnant, like past 5 months, my wife has never let her body hare get longer than necessary to wax effectively. I think I’d care more about body hair now than I would have 19 years ago just because I’m not used to it. But I don’t think it would be enough of a turnoff to keep me from having sex with her. At least, it wasn’t when she was pregnant.
Ask him if he is willing to shave his legs, cuz you know it is “more attractive.”
Does he shave his balls and pubic area?
Info: How long were you guys together before you got married?
I think that if he prefers it, you should just do it. As long as he’s as flexible about what you prefer too. Get schick intuition, it literally takes out all of the BS that comes with shaving.
Lots to unpack. Consider laser hair removal if you don’t like to shave. For the record, I shave every day and it has never hurt. I don’t understand that… Maybe Google for products? I think many men and women prefer having sex with a groomed partner.
The other stuff…. That’s a counseling situation. This is also why I would never advise getting married at 22…
Yes, if that’s his preference. I hate kissing my husband when he has face stubble, so if he felt the same about touching my legs, I’d definitely keep shaved. I’m blessed to have blonde, sparse hair that with enough lotion, keeps it soft so it’s not really noticable.
I feel like if you have a preference like that you should make it known before marriage so you know if you have a conflict where your partner does not want to be intimate with you unless you put yourself though something painful. My SO made it clear that armpit hair is a deal breaker for him so I shave those, but I don’t know that we would have survived long term if he expected shaving all over. I’m sorry you’ve ended up in this situation now. I guess your next step is figuring out whether you’re comfortable in a situation where your husband is not attracted to you without shaved legs (honestly sounds like a fetish for him, since the lack of shaved legs can encompass everything else), and if you are willing to have that requisite for intimacy, I would look into laser hair removal to avoid the repeated shaving pain. Sorry that this issue has come up in your marriage.
I don’t know why people are making him out to be some monster. did you shave before marriage? are these new preferences for each of you? you’re just sexually incompatible now. I don’t want my husband to just stop shaving his face and let his beard grow like he’s a member of ZZ TOP. fortunately it’s not an issue because he just shaves or trims as he has for as long as I’ve known him. if you are dead set on letting your leg hair grow and he prefers smooth legs… neither on of you are bad people.
First thing’s first. Shaving really shouldn’t hurt. If it does something’s wrong. You may need a new razor or a new blade.
Second, that are gap and the fact that you initiate everything is really concerning. Do you do the lions share of the housework or the emotional labor? Are you carrying the mental load?
(Male human) Personally I don’t like leg hair, which is why I also keep my own legs shaved. My partner also shaves her legs when she feels like it 🙃but it doesn’t matter, she’s still the same person hairy legs or not but 🤷🏿man I don’t work here.
My husband doesn’t like leg hair. So i shave. Not all the time but pretty often. There are many things i don’t like so he doesnt do them….and things i like so he does do them. Never put much thought i to it. Marriage is give and take.
I’ve been married to my wife for 5 years and been together all and all for 6. Proper communication and compromises for one another shows true respect and love in a marriage. So if he likes your legs shaved, shave them. But on the same page he needs to do things that you like as well like bring you flowers cuddle etc. I still stop on the side of the road and bring home flowers for my wife after I get done working 12 to 14 hr days sometimes because I know it’s something she likes, and she scratch’s my back when ever it itches and I absolutely LOVE my back being scratched😂 so In the end of the day love is there compromising won’t be as hard at the end of the day because you wanna make the love of your life happy and in a long term relationship that should be the goal 100% in my opinion. I hope you guys come to an understanding and things get better. Have a great day!😁
No. I don’t care and have told my wife soooo many times but I understand when she says it’s for her but if that is a dealbreaker than he better be one damn near perfect specimen, otherwise simmer down. It’s just hair for crying out loud. He shouldn’t care in the least bit. One man’s opinion.
Replace your leg hair with a 50 pound beer belly for him. People have things about them that we like and dislike. My wife loves my goatee. When I had to shave it off for work, she did not like it. Matter of fact it pissed her off. But now that I can grow a beard, we have no problem. Give and take works best for relationships in my opinion.
I think out of everything if he felt this strongly then he should have talked to you before you two got married. He picked you and knew how you treated your body, he proposed while knowing you don’t care about shaving. He said “I Do” while fully aware you didn’t shave very often. Then years later he just can’t stand it anymore?
I don’t know what this is called, I don’t think gaslighting fits, but it could be emotional abuse to make you feel like you need to change who you are as a person to make him happy.
However I am wondering, has he changed anything for you? Has he stopped anything to make you happy/attracted to him? Yay f he has then maybe look into doing the same for him. If he has not, then look at what you want in life, and is it someone that makes you feel unwanted over hair or any other issues you two have. But do what’s best for you.
The problem here is NOT about you not shaving your legs.
As I see it, the big problem is the fact that your husband isn’t showing you, HIS WIFE, that you’re beautiful and lovable and desirable to him.
Problem 2 is that he is withholding affection and saying/acting that you’re unsexy.
Problem 3 is that he is using this to disrespect your choices for your own body, and to control them.
I get that people have PREFERENCES. But if it’s that big of a deal to someone, that should be getting filtered out while dating. If a guy hates the unshaved look on a woman, don’t date or marry women who couldn’t care less. And if your partner changes their preferences over time, one would hope that a marriage/long-term attraction has become deeper than appearances, and it wouldn’t be a big deal anymore even if it remained a preference. Heck I’d prefer to age without going grey and wrinkly, but my partner will never become unattractive to me because of that. And what if someone was in a disfiguring accident? How horrible to be treated as undesirable to one’s partner anymore :(.
It would be totally fine for him to say “hey baby, I know you don’t usually like shaving, and I’m crazy about you regardless, but it’s also really hot for me when you do. Would you feel okay doing that for me once in a while?” The key to that would be 1) having him also ask about what YOU would like (shave, don’t shave, haircut, dressing up, whatever), and that if you say no, there’s no emotional backlash or loss of affection/attraction.
This situation isn’t about you shaving, hon. It’s about your husband being a shallow, unloving, controlling, judgmental jerk.
Would he shave his legs for you?
Who does he think he is , Big Ed?
There is nothing wrong in a man or a woman having a preference shaved legs vs don’t care about hair. If when OP met her husband she used to always be clean shaving and made herself look a certain way which made her husband be attracted physically to him, it is not unreasonable for him to feel discouraged if she has “let herself go”. I hate shaving and my hubby doesn’t care much either way but I will continue to shave and make an effort to always look appealing to him when possible.
I don’t like it when he has a beard and if he gets too bushy top or bottom he needs to shave, I don’t like all that hair and you know what? He gladly does it because he wants to please me. NOTHING wrong with that.
I really doubt that he doesn’t want sex because of your legs. He’s likely using that as an excuse for something on his end.
It’s your body and you should live in the way that is authentic and comfortable to you.
I personally haven’t shaved my legs in 10 years and I’ve never had any guy say anything about it. And they wouldn’t be for me if they made it an issue. Pretty superficial and conformist to judge someone on leg hair.
You are not wrong.
It is UNHEALTHY for a partner to say you need to shave/not shave or else no affection. It sounds like control and control is NEVER healthy in a relationship.
He can state his preference and you IF you feel like it can honor it.
It sounds like your relationship is broken or on its way. Shaving or lack there of is missing.
You guys need an honest conversation.
I haven’t read all of the comments so I apologize in advance if someone has already asked but, did you always not shave? Did you shave when you were dating? If so, maybe he views it as a lack of effort on your part. By the way, I think it’s great you feel comfortable with body hair. Did he know that you felt that way before marriage?
I would never shave anything on me again.. “reason for divorce: she wouldn’t shave her legs”. Good grief, what a shocker, humans grow hair.
So, I think you have a right to shave as you want.
However, I do feel that there should be some give and take with certain things in a marriage so that you both stay attracted to each other.
For my husband, he finds armpit hair really unattractive.
For me, I am not fond of a beard (mostly because he doesn’t take care of it and gets crumbs and stuff in it).
So, I shave my pits, and he shaves his face.
Sometimes you can be in the right and still not get the outcome you want.
Ask him to shave his.
I dont know a man on this planet who would pass up sex over some leg hair. Something else is going on here.
I could be 1970s porn bush over here and my husband would be like, “I’ll find it.”
I don’t like armpit hair, so my husband shaved his for me. He likes smooth legs so I shave my legs for him. We are all allowed preferences in our partners. I don’t think your husband is wrong for telling you the truth about what he is/isn’t attracted to.
Unless you have a sensitive skin condition that make it physically painful to shave it’s not that big of a deal to shave your legs besides the extra time and TLC it takes in the shower.