My sister and I witnessed domestic violence at a young age. It was a single event that changed our lives forever. Her coping mechanism were heavy drugs and alcohol. Mine was physical aggression towards her. I remember hurting her for pleasure (kicking, slapping, throwing things) and making her swear to not tell my parents. I know I had no excuse to hit her but this trauma severely damaged me and I thought this was ok. This went on for 5 years. It stopped until after high school. Now me (27) and my sister (25) don’t get along at all. Once she was able to stand up for herself, she turned on me and I became her emotional punching bag. This has been going on for 7 years. I started therapy 2 years ago and this was a main issue during sessions. I stopped therapy months ago because I can’t afford it. Ever since therapy, I have wanted to apologize to my sister for mistreating her when we were teens. So I did. I have been treating her better and apologized. She told me she was never gonna forgive me no matter how good I treat her and there was nothing else I could do. I told her I’d respect that. Like I said, I became her emotional punching bag and I didn’t say or do anything to keep the peace. Now the problem is that I can’t keep the peace any longer. It’s taking a mental and physical toll on me. I try sitting down and talking with her like adults but she won’t budge. She’ll yip, yap, yell, hit me and say that there’s just no way we can ever work things out. She won’t forgive me for mistreating her when we were younger. She absolutely hates me and doesn’t even consider me as a sister (her words). I have recently reacted to her emotional abuse and my parents don’t think it’s appropriate for me to do. They say I should be more mature and understanding since I’m older. I try to empathize with her but it’s not working. What I understand is that they want me to not stand up for myself and just treat her nice while she treats me like crap. What do I do when she hits me? When she yells at me? When she belittles me and treats me like trash?
I’m an adult now and I want to make things right but I’m not sure I know how to do that without reacting to her behavior towards me. I stay quiet but sometimes I break and yell or even hit her back when I can’t tolerate it anymore. This is no way to live. I still live with my parents and my sister as I’m going to grad school full time. For reference, this kind of trauma still affects us both to this day. Most days are hard.
TL;DR: How to handle emotional abuse from an adult sibling?
2 comments
You make things as right as they can be by breaking all contact with her as soon as you are logistically able to do so. Do not go to any family things she will be at. You are a trauma trigger for her, and so space is the best thing you can offer. You reacted to abuse by abusing someone else. Now your sister is doing the same thing. Sadly, it was bad when each of you did it. But you can’t make her get therapy to work through it. All you can do is not add to her trauma by being around her, and not add to your trauma or her harm of you either. Staying away is best. Her hurting you is bad for both of you anyway. She told you she can never forgive you, fair enough. Accept that and cut all contact. Since right now you have to live with her, you avoid her as much as possible. Stay in your room if you need to. Get a lock for your door if you need to. Don’t try to engage her in conversation. Walk away when she’s around. Minimize contact as much as you can.
Our parents failed to model and promote love & respect in our family so my 1 yr older brother hated my guts from day one and proceeded to punish me any way he could, with our ignorant parent’s approval, for many years. When our little sister was born, we hated and punished her but had to be very careful since she was dad’s favorite so we settled for emotional/verbal abuse as much as possible. Our parents stopped loving each other soon after my older brother was born so love and respect NEVER
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re: What do I do when she hits me? When she yells at me? When she belittles me and treats me like trash?
I’m an adult now and I want to make things right but I’m not sure I know how to do that without reacting to her behavior towards me. I stay quiet but sometimes I break and yell or even hit her back when I can’t tolerate it anymore. This is no way to live. I still live with my parents and my sister as I’m going to grad school full time. For reference, this kind of trauma still affects us both to this day. Most days are hard.