My bf (39m) and I (34f) have been in a relationship over two years. He really wants anal and while I’ve been nervous about it I promised him I’d do it. I bought kits, butt plugs, etc but it hasn’t really worked it’s way into our sex life. The truth is I know I’m very tight down there and it’s gonna be painful. We tried tonight but even his thumb hurt. Now he’s telling me he’s frustrated with me. Idk what to do. I want to make him happy but I feel like my body is just rejecting the thing he wants most.
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Him being frustrated with you for that is a MASSIVE red flag.
I’d say dump him. he’s clearly showing a lack of respect for your boundaries and your body. you also need to establish boundaries and stop performing sexual acts you’re uncomfortable with just because it’ll make someone else happy
Your BF is unfortunately the problem here. You’re clearly giving it an effort and if he gauges your relationship on anal, he doesn’t see your relationship having value outside the bedroom.
Consent is not mandatory. In fact, being shamed or pressured into doing something is the opposite of consent.
If it’s uncomfortable (physically or emotionally), and he’s annoyed, that attitude is a serious red flag. He’s thinking a fantasy is more important than a real person: you. Not cool.
I personally would tell him that if he wants anal so bad then he can go first. You’ll put one of those butt plugs up his bum so he can see how it feels
You don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with and thats painful. End of story. He needs to accept that.
does he care about making *you* happy?
Lube, lube, lube and time if it’s something you actually want to do. Me and my gf have been dating 8 months and started anal play early in our relationship. She likes it but going full on is scary for her so we have just been slowly moving up with toys etc. I don’t push her for it cause if she’s uncomfortable she tenses up and nothings going in there. But when shes relaxed and in the mood for it, she surprises me with what she can do now. I don’t actually care about having anal sex either. I just find it super hot when she lets me have complete control like that and she finds it hot when I take that kind of control. We’ve had a LOT of discussion around sex and what we’re comfortable with etc. though. So make sure you’re communicating! Thats the key to good sex. Communication
Bring a banana to bed and Ask him if he’d like like it in his butt!
I think it’s fairly natural for some people to be interested in that. But after finding out it isn’t working for you partner you’d expect them to back of it.
You: “Hey this doesn’t feel good for me I don’t want to try it anymore.”
Him: “But you promised.”
You: “We tried. It hurts. I don’t like it and I’m not going to do it.”
Sex can be a really good way to judge how much someone respects you.
When you told him you were really tight and it hurt, the only acceptable response from a loving partner is “okay, I’m so sorry that hurt. We won’t do that again.” They are allowed to be disappointed, they are not allowed to try to emotionally blackmail you into being hurt for their own pleasure. That’s violent and abusive.
He has no reason to be “frustrated with you.” If he wants a tighter experience (or whatever it is that specifically makes anal appeal to him) I can pretty much guarantee a toy exists that he could use WITH you instead of actively hurting you.
MAYBE he’s just really oblivious and doesn’t realize how disrespectful, un-loving, and blatantly emotionally manipulative he’s being… but if you tell him all this and his response isn’t immediate, sincere, apology… well, then he doesn’t deserve you as a partner.