To give some context: when I was 18 I started studying X at University A but I was severely depressed back then and ended up staying longer than necessary and still didn’t finish the degree. After 5 years, I went to another University, finished this second degree and now I am finishing my masters related to this new field and will start working next week.
Back in March 2022, 4 months after the end of my past relationship, I decided to try and date again but I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I ended up meeting this guy in a dating app who is extremely accomplished, intelligent, highly educated and so forth.
He asked about my academic background and professional experience and instead of telling him I never finished my first degree and ended up studying something else, which is why I have 0 relevant professional experience at this age, I ended up lying by saying I had actually completed my degree X at University A and had worked for one year at Company B before I decided to study again.
I felt extremely self conscious about my background and I just assumed he wouldn’t be interested in me if he knew the truth. But more than that I honestly wasn’t expecting that we would still be dating 6 months later.
We are not exactly official, but we are exclusive. I haven’t met his family or anything, but I did meet his best friend last week, to whom he told I had worked at Company B, so I ended up lying to his best friend as well.
I just don’t know what to do. This is the only lie I told and it is such a stupid one, only because I feel extremely insecure for having failed that first degree and being a 29 year old with no relevant professional experience. He is becoming well known in his professional field and I am just starting my career now, so it just feels like we are several worlds apart or maybe this are just my insecurities talking.
The problem is that I am starting to really like him and I find myself missing him more often than not. Either way, I am extremely embarrassed now, I want to come clean because this lie is eating me alive but I am afraid that he would never be able to forgive me for that. Maybe if I had told the truth in the beginning but not now. He is an extremely honest person and takes these kind of things very seriously.
What should I do? Do any of you guys think there is any chance he might forgive me?
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**TL;DR: I have lied about to the guy I have been dating for 6 months about my academic background and professional experience and I don’t know if he will forgive me**
16 comments
The only person who can answer your question is HIM.
It’s not too late to tell him the truth and come clean. You have better chances now than later in the future. What if he decides to introduce you to someone he knows who worked at company B? You’re going to embarrass him and he wouldn’t forgive you for that.
Unfortunately, if you see a future with him you should come out with it now.
Just come clean as soon as possible, like tonight. This is really weird but I think there’s a good chance he’ll forgive it, mostly because it’s not of any real consequence going forward (ie you do have your ‘second’ degree and are finishing your masters). It’s critical you share why you lied, basically just say what you wrote here. He might not forgive, but what’s for sure is the longer you wait the worse your chances of being forgiven will be (assuming you agree you can’t take this to your grave). If you had like, lied about your entire education cause you’d just been laying on a couch for ten years, I’d say your prospects would be worse.
Just tell him the truth, and how you feel having told that lie.
you say this is the one lie you told, you lied about where you got your degree and where you worked. then doubled down lying to his friend. and if you told him you had your degree but didn’t, it’s another lie stating you began studying again. unless you’re a double major. I probably better stop here. my son was so excited to meet a woman who had her own life, personally and professionally… and it was all a lie. ugh. yeah I’m out.
I remember that time my daughter’s father lied to me about owning a landscaping business, then I ended up in court having my private phone conversations read into the record because he was apparently dealing large amounts of drugs across county and state lines. Your little lies always have a way of devastating someone else and then, like him, you get to go on with your life while you leave a broken human in your wake. For a lie. A lie. Tell him the truth. I understand (and hope for his sake) thay your situation isn’t really like mine, but I bet he will hurt just the same, however your lie is exposed. Give him the benefit of learning the truth in private and making a choice based on reality and not your fiction.
“Do any of you guys think there is any chance he might forgive me?”
If he is really looking for long term partner you have probably taken that off the table. Even if he sticks around now in the future it seems doubtful he would trust you enough for buying a home together or having kids.
Surely he knows about your “status” I mean I imagine your appartament and car are not creme de la creme, I doubt he’s expecting you to be a super professional high earner. I think the main mistake was to lie at all, go and say the truth throw in a sloppy blow job and hope for the best. And don’t lie again! Maybe it will work out, let the universe decide
You need to tell him now before the wacky hijinks of a sitcom happen and someone lets him know before you do.
He might be flattered to know that you were not looking for anything, but he has become so important to you that you have to be honest.
Lying about your past is extremely suspicious. No one wants to have a relationship with a liar or a cheater (not that much of a difference there). If you had lied about your past, and you still want to salvage the relationship, then you should be brave enough to go to your lover, and sincerely ask for forgiveness, and tell him the truth. It will be scary, but the more times you tell the truth, the better it will be for you. Lying is just like drugs, a dangerous addiction that will destroy you if you keep it up. The earlier you quit, the better.
So go up to him, and tell him exactly how it is, and beg his forgiveness. Say that you didn’t lie because of ill intent, but of stupidity. You were a fool and you lied sporadically. It should be an honest confession.
Now, to make you feel better, you don’t have to be a career woman if you don’t want to, or physically cannot do it. A successful education/career does not necessarily mean a successful life. Power and perfection are over rated. There is nothing wrong with being a housewife, in fact sometimes this “job” involves more time and efforts than a “real career”. Your husband just needs to be able to appreciate and value your efforts. There is nothing wrong with separation of labor, and letting him manage the career work, and letting you manage the house work. In fact, it can be a very efficient family.
Do not pretend to be who you are not. Do not make yourself look like someone who you are not, for purposes of dating or for getting some kind of advantage. For men, if you are not a police officer, do not write that you are a police officer, just in order to get a woman who likes men who are skilled with weapons. Only if you are not so very organized, and you are working on organization skills, then you can say that you are organized, and you can live up to that reputation. Otherwise, if you cannot hold up a claim about yourself, do not even try to say that.
Invite your boyfriend to a night of Trivia at the Alligator Lounge and break the news there
Just laugh it off as something stupid you did. You either have what it takes now or you don’t. The degree is completely irrelevant by now. The biggest risk here is damaging his trust which will not be easy to get back once it’s damaged.
Tell him about it immediately and be honest about ur insecurities
Please, please, get HBO and watch the first episode of ‘The Rehearsal’. It’s very relevant.
Basic structure of an effective apology/confession:
1. Here’s what I did
2. Here’s what is cost me to do that
3. Here’s what I imagine it cost you
4. Ask: What’s it like for you
5. How I’m going to be different in the future
The big thing is to emphasize what it cost you, and what it cost them, and that that’s a big part of why you aren’t going to do it again. The relationship matters to you a lot and the cost is too high.
You don’t need to over-dramatize it, you don’t need to play it up, you don’t need to cry or beg or prostrate yourself or anything. You just need to be real about it. You’ve got to be serious about what it cost you and what it cost him, sorry about that, and have that be the basis of not doing it again.
Then, you have to back that up. Honesty has got to legit be your thing going forward.
Going forward, make it clear with your actions that you can be trusted. You can even bring it up again, “I’m afraid to tell you this, so I’m telling you.” You can have a brand new honest future with him, if you have a conversation about it and back it up with action.