I (M26) have been dating my SO (F25) for almost two years now (21 months) and just recently she started feeling depressed/going into depressive states. The past 3 months of our relationship have sucked bad – our texting has been very superficial with no emotion, we havent had sex for 4 or 5 months now, and we talk and communicate but it always seems to leave us feeling right where we started (upset and sad) so it doesnt help us. So much that she wanted time and space apart – now going on to day 5 of this. Our relationship hasnt always been like this and ive always believed that this girl is the girl that i want to spend the rest of my life with.
Depression has been in her life way before i was in it so this isnt something new to her, but it most certainly is to me. I find myself withdrawing from our relationship because of the lack of effort from her end. I find myself feeling different towards her when we hang out or try to have quality time together because i dont feel her to be the same person she was when we started dating. Im struggling to feel a connection with her in part because i dont feel passion from her. & if im being honest I am really struggling with not having intimate relations with her. I find myself becoming more insecure and doubting that she still wants this relationship because of how everything has been going these past three months. Im worried that im withdrawing so much that breaking up is going to be inevitable.
It is extremely hard for me to put myself in her shoes and understand what she is going through or to understand her mental capacity. I have always tried to make her feel special and loved – for example like buying her coffee and bringing it to her before she leaves for work (we live seperately), or constantly buying her flowers, making her playlists or making her surprise dinners after a long day at work, etc. But in my eyes it is really hard for me to make her feel special and not feel that in return and as a result i stopped with the gestures. I am starting to think that i am not strong enough to handle her depression and be the support that she needs and it breaks my heart.
A few things about her – she feels emotional pressure and hence why she wanted time and space. She felt like she couldnt make a rational decision with all of this going on. She said she was going to try meds (idk where she stands with that due to lack of communication) & she is back to seeing a therapist. So i know she is trying to get in a better place.
At the end of the day I just want to feel like I’m special and wanted by someone else and these feelings are something i havent felt the past 3 months and who knows how much longer i have to endure them – it is my understanding depressive states can last a bit. We have a hard time spending time together because i feel different with her – the effort that she does put in I feel like is basic relationship effort (like asking to hang out/talk), I would just like a little bit more than that. To make matters worse, I moved in to a house that she was supposed to move into (im not sure if this is still going to happen) in Oct 2022. Knowing that our relationship is hanging on by a thread, being at the house makes me feel upset, hopeless, and lonely – this is my home rn and its something i cannot escape.
I am also going to start going back to therapy because I know i have issues of my own that probably arent helping this situation. I know im not a perfect BF, but i sure do know that I am loyal, thoughtful and very loving. It is extremely defeating and brings so much hopelessness seeing the person you love the most go through this – it makes it worse when you know she is trying but your feelings and emotions are so strong that it is really hard for you to think otherwise.
TL:DR! – I am struggling to put my own feelings aside and help/support my girlfriend with her depression (it makes me feel selfish and like a terrible person). How can I be of most help to her? Does anyone have any good resources or strategies that could potentially help with coping? Any general advice form either side would be extremely appreciated. Thank you so much in advance.
2 comments
Clinical depression never goes away its not like a lightswitch
As someone who has chronic/clinical depression I’ve been in her shoes before! I’ll break up my comment into 2 parts. First being my advise for you, the second being my experience and why I have the advise I did in part 1.
1. First you have to make sure she is taking her medicine and seeing her councilor (therapist). If she isn’t taking meds nor going to therapy sessions she needs to start that asap. If she is already taking meds and slipped into this “hole” she either needs to “up” the dosage or talk to her Dr. About a different antidepressant. If she isn’t attending therapy weekly she needs to get back into the swing of that too. Encourage going for walks, encourage doing/making art that she likes, put on music she likes, and make sure she is eating normally (depression will take away her desire to do any of these things, even if she enjoys them, so you might/will have to encourage those activities).
2. Depression is not “fixable” but it is “manageable.” My gf and I use the term “it’s a foggy day” or “it’s dark today” basically saying that my depression is getting in the way of seeing anything that isn’t right in front of me. So things like school assignments, work schedules, anniversaries or birthdays, will get totally ignored because those things take foresight. When I was at my lowest my “fog” damn near let me fail out of college one semester. There were days were I would just lay in bed, didn’t matter if I had class or work or my gf wanted to go out or anything fun in life, I just wanted to lay in bed in the dark and be miserable all day. It felt like I had a boar anchor placed on my chest and I couldn’t get up even if it was for something I wanted to do. I neglected EVERYTHING and EVERYONE; even my friends, even my family, (so don’t take her attitude/neglect personally, it’s not you or anything you did, it’s truly her head f-ing with her).
Staying with someone who is like that (or has periods were they are physically there but emotionally MIA) is very hard to do; and it is perfectly ok to say “this is too much for me.” I would not have blamed my gf at that time if she had left me because of it; I knew I was emotionally draining and miserable to be around.