I (22m) had to end things with my friend (20f) months ago to sort out my feelings for her.
We were incredibly close friends and eventually I fell for her. She rejected me. This eventually drove me a bit crazy because we were incredibly close and kept seeing each other all the time. I should have said no on certain occasions because I wasn’t ready to commit to being friends just yet. Instead I let this go on until I suddenly broke and told her I can no longer see her because I’m in love with her, I also said I could only continue seeing her if we could become something in the future. That obviously didn’t end well and was very impulsive on my part.
As months went by, the storm in my head settled, and I realized what I did wrong. I really liked her friendship, and I really would love to keep her as just a friend in my life. I just needed clear boundaries.
Yesterday we met up to talk after our painful ending (initiated by her). At first she was very closed off and basically said that she didn’t give it much thought and just moved on from it. She said that the trust is gone and that she doesn’t see it coming back. We kept talking about how we felt and slowly we opened up more to each other. Until suddenly she started crying and blurted out she missed me terribly when I was gone. My heart literally broke. I felt so terrible, I never pictured myself as someone who could inflict this deep pain on others, and this was truly never my intention. I told her I really needed this distance to get over her, so I can truly commit to being a real friend like she wants me to be. I never intended to make her feel this way. After all she rejected me, I chose her but she didn’t choose me which is why I needed distance so I could sort my feelings out. But she kept saying she can’t trust me after this happened.
She also talked to her friends about this, and they all seem to think I’m the bad guy. She said her friends called her crazy for wanting to meet up with me.
I don’t know, I just feel so bad about it. My intentions were never bad, in fact I loved this girl (as a person) and truly wanted to commit to keeping her as a friend in my life, but just with clear boundaries to keep myself from ever catching feelings again.
I get that I broke her trust, but at the other hand it was really hard for me as well. We were only friends after all, I would get this reaction if I dumped her after a relationship, which is really not the case here.. I don’t know to how feel about this situation and would love some input of my fellow redditors.
TL;DR: Broke things off with my friend because I had feelings for her. Months after my feelings settled I realised this was wrong. We met up to talk and it was confusing (see post). I feel terrible and can’t seem to forgive myself for my initial overreaction to the situation, which ended up really hurting her. I have mixed feelings about everything.
7 comments
How did you break her trust, exactly?
This happened to me. I (29m) caught feelings for my friend (30f) and we hooked up a few times. She also rejected me and our friendship has taken a massive dip… it’s nowhere near what it used to be, but we are beginning to resemble what we once were.
You really have done the right thing and you’re a stronger man than me. Taking some time to distance yourself is super healthy! I wish I had… problem is we work together too which slowed things down.
Being honest with your friend and taking it slow to rebuild your friendship again is key here… as long as both parties are willing, you’ll have your friend again.
What did your relationship consist of previously? If she had such a breakdown in your absence, what kind of support structure did you offer to her that left such a void when it was gone? It seems weird to me how much she has attached herself to your friendship when she has enough other friends to form this “SomeRandy33 is the bad guy” concensus.
The friendship is over. Both of you need to move on. Sorry it went down like that.
Youthful inexperience.
It sucks for everyone involved. But now you know, if you want to keep female friends, don’t pretend in your head that you are dating. Because you’re not.
And if you want to date someone, you date them. No blurry lines in the future.
Her friends probably assume, you were her friend for a single purpose. Ignore them. Learn from it. All part of growing up, you aren’t the first guy who learn that lesson.
You ended up falling for a friend. Rather than be creepy and try to sneak into a relationship, you were honest and told her how you felt. She rejected you and you needed time to adjust. This was *not* a betrayal. She and her friends are not being mature about this if they think you should have been miserable on the inside and faked being fine. You needed time and space to recalibrate your emotions and thinking. You took it. She has the right to not want to resume contact but you should not feel like you betrayed her or need to grovel.
You can never be friends with her. Not until you move on for **REAL**. Sorry.