Is it asking too much to want to feel chosen??

39 comments

1. What are you attracted to in a man, specifically? Like not generic good things, but what is your type, what makes you choose to continue with the guys who you don’t let go early on?

2. I am in the same boat. I try to understsnd this every time.

3. Why would somebody that you like, choose you? Not to be confrontational but the first thing that jumps in my mind is that being a good conversationist might not be the thing guys look for in a long term partner. Maybe you need to look deeper into who you are.

4. >Eventually they always decide they can’t give me what I need or don’t see a future with me….
   >I’ve had men reach out to me months after dating to reconnect, but still don’t want to commit to me.

   Can you describe your boundaries or what they can’t give you? Maybe an example or two will help with advice?

5. It’s hard to say without more information. What kinds of boundaries are we talking about? What are the relationships like? What are your expectations? I feel like a lot of this could be relevant.

6. I think what you’re running into is that the guys you’re dating would eventually rather have the freedom to explore other options than to commit to any one woman.

7. I had the same experience with the last three people I dated. I have no idea what I’m doing and it’s kind of making me insecure. Lol

8. I wish I could tell you. I stopped dating in my 20’s for a similar reason. I would date someone for a while but if I ever tried to be exclusive… always a no. To be fair that’s just about anyone, even with friends. I had a lot of friends but I didn’t have many close friends. But I’ve also found out recently that there’s a high chance I’m autistic/adhd. So maybe a reason why I don’t connect the “right” way.

9. Being likable, kind and good at conversation is the bare minimum. There are other intangible traits that guys focus on.

   There must be another quality or attribute that is making them not commit especially if it’s a situation that has happened more than once

10. same. I typically fare fine in the first-second date round, and things fall off somewhere after 3 or 4.

    Well, hard to say if your boundaries are too cold for being firm since you didn’t say what they are. But I think this is often what happens until you find someone it really clicks with.

    For me I honestly think it’s that other people have more clear boundaries than I do so I don’t t think we have the same problem. I have hard no’s on some things, of course, but I sometimes get the sense that I would probably have married 90% of the people I got to third dates with over the past few years if they hadn’t ended things prior. I just decide very quickly how I feel about people and I’m willing to compromise on a lot if it feels like someone I don’t get bored of being around.

11. To your prompt question…No… but it depends of the level of chosen you are seeking…If you are seeking someone to complete you as their chosen person for all things its going to always fail. No one can meet that particular expectation. Hell as individuals we cannot even meet that expectation for ourselves. Its why we are social animals in our various forms and functions.

    > Eventually they always decide they can’t give me what I need or don’t see a future with me, yet have amazing things to say about me

    Because they are being nice and projecting what they think you want to hear with you being a good “conversationalist”. Most men dont want to talk aimlessly. Talking is an action that begets more action and accomplishing things, goals, dreams.

    > they have left me to immediately start a new long term relationship that seems to be prospering

    Probably because those women have similar goal alignments with those men or like to take similar/complimentary actions.

    > Why does it seem so much easier for others?

    Ask yourself. Do you want an easy partner or the right partner?

    > Am I too hard on my boundaries and asking too much?

    The worst part about all of this is you’re too hard on yourself and asking too much of yourself! Do you want someone who doesnt love your kindness nor respect your boundaries?

    > I want someone who wants to be with me, not someone I have to convince

    Then stopping lying in being a good conversationalist and keeping the peace of the conversation for their sake. If it gets uncomfortable speak your truth. I am willing to bet you shift and navigate the web of conversation then get several months in and filters come down and bam! sorry this isnt working because you have been “lying” to them and yourself.

    > I like to think I have a lot going for me and have done work on myself, yet I am never chosen

    Choose yourself, love yourself, be yourself. You will choose your right person just as they choose you.

12. The guys are not desiring you. You may have a connection and intrigue them at first, good conversation etc… but what else? Ok so let’s say you’re independent and ambitious… that’s boring long term. So what’s your other pairing? Spontaneity? Sense of adventure? Generous? Too much of anything is your downfall. I tend to date people unlike myself or above my pay grade. Maybe set one small goal to meet in your next relationship that your last one fell short of and take it from there. Baby steps.

13. Feel the same way wish a woman or dude will want to chosen.

14. It would help if you share some of your boundaries. Sometimes (a lot of the time), it just doesn’t work out and it has nothing to do with you. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

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16. If they can’t handle your boundaries they’re not for you. The fact that some have come back should tell you you’re more than worth it and they know they made the wrong choice!!!
    Shooting friendly love and good vibes your way

17. OP, you sound like me (I’m a guy) – independent, somewhat avoidant, and interested in specific traits including physical attractiveness. For me looks and intelligence are very important.

    I don’t date women like myself. I might hook up with them but I don’t date them. The people who draw me into LTRs are supportive, empathetic, not overly independent, warm types who can complement me.

    You probably need to look for a LTR with someone who complements you rather than mirroring your own traits, strengths and weaknesses.

18. In terms of getting dumped, I have a similar pattern but I took it as a personal pattern. I tend to be detached early on, but get invested in making something work the longer I do it. In contrast, my partners often weren’t. Ironically, things ended for reasons I could sort of predict early on, reasons that contributed to my early detachment until we spent time together and I “got over” it. So my problem was that I was seeing problems and keeping too open of a mind where I really should have ended things. Put another way, are you putting yourself in the mindset of evaluating your partner, such that you would end things?

    > I like really independent people, but the downside is probably also that independence which results in a relationship not being their main priority. I think I date people who are like myself. I am aware I have avoidant and anxious tendenies. Being drawn to people like myself, they often exhibit similar traits..both good and bad.

    I also feel this. I concur with /u/arcadefiery. I wasted a lot of time getting distracted by dating people I only liked or empathised with– often independent, or offbeat, weird people. I was not evaluating them properly to see if I was curious enough about them to stay with them for, say, 3 months. When I do, it often becomes clear I’m not too interested, I’m just sort of invested and want to be friends with them. I try to date for compatibility and curiosity. It’s harder and lonelier, but it feels better than getting stuck with someone wrong again.

19. You are the prize! You don’t give yourself away. Men have to earn your grace. There is nothing wrong with being a single and powerful woman! You go girl! You should never compromise on your boundaries. In fact, you should not only double down on your boundaries, but you should triple down on them! Those walls don’t build themselves! You have to build them! A man should have to prove himself by climbing over those obstacles we call boundaries. If a man cannot overcome your boundaries, then he does not deserve you. You need a man secure in his manhood to handle a boss chick like yourself. Remember, you are the queen! Men should be lucky to bask in your grace.

20. You say you have done the work on yourself but probably not enough if you still choose people that don’t choose you. You are always the common denominator and that goes for all of us in these things but we like to focus on others and what they are doing or not doing but we need to keep the focus on ourselves and ask why we choose who as choose.

21. “Early on, if it ends, it’s because I’ve ended it. However, in the relationships that have actually developed, it’s always me getting dumped.”

    You are entitled to have your own mate selection screening process and *must haves list*.

    You are entitled to have your own “red flags”, boundaries, and “deal breakers”

    If someone believes *you* are worth the effort, *they* will make the effort. (And vice versa)

    Sounds like you just having met anyone who feels they can give *you* what you want/need.

    It’s tough to compare what happens with *his next woman* because you don’t what *she* required.

    Some of those guys *you dumped early on* are probably wondering why *they* weren’t chosen.

    Everyone rejects and gets rejected.

    You may want to reexamine the type of men you find yourself attracted to.

    Some people prefer to overlook the “low hanging fruit” to pursue that which is out of reach.

    They like having a “challenge” as opposed to someone who instantly adores them.

    ***”Dating is primarily a numbers game…. People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That’s just the way it is.”*** – Henry Cloud

    Best wishes!

22. I’m just gonna say it, your to nice. I’ve had this convo with so many girlfriends and it’s the same answer your to nice. So first you need a strong spark if he is obsessed it’s a good start, state your boundaries and make him step up and work for you. I’m not saying you can’t be nice and kind, definitely be nice and kind to your partner, but if you let them get away with stuff they will and from there it’s down hill. Also if he isn’t giving you what you need, it’s not okay and you should leave first. I’d rather have a man cry over losing me and learn to be a better partner then be okay with everything and have them tell me how nice I am, while treating me like I’m disposable. If men try and come back it’s because they think they can, meaning you did something to make them think they can. Don’t be so nice

23. Folding on your boundaries will only create problems when you’re in a relationship.

24. Are you choosing the ones who are less committed and less into you or less emotionally available? And walking away from the guys who could commit to you?

25. What are you bringing to the table and what are you asking?

    You seem to know your values and what you want which is great but the next step is to get them aligned and not just on a social media but on real world

26. Heads up, you’re comparing the aftermath of a breakup to an assumption that their relationship is working out. It’s an easy fallacy to fall into. Your perception of their relationship’s reality isn’t reality.

27. Ugh I feel this so hard.

28. Nothing different I think. I am getting to where I want to be in life and I wouldn’t want to change that.

29. I feel this post way too hard. If it makes you feel any better, you’re not alone.

30. Interesting post. I feel like we all hit that wall. I had a few experiences like yours where the connection is initially good and then “something” causes the connection to just never progress to that relationship level.

    I think alot of it comes with people having different ideas of where they want things to go and how fast they expect to see that develop. (Online dating has made this even harder because people expect to get to know who a person really is when seeing them through a filter).

    I personally never stayed good friends with someone I dated or talked to but I have tried on occasion.

31. Nothing here but that I could’ve typed this ..

32. Yes its too much to ask because you have to choose yourself first. You don’t control other people babe, you can only control yourself.

33. Just out of curiosity, when you are in long term relationships, how do you discuss your feelings?

    I’m also someone who is very firm on my boundaries and while people say good things about me they also tell me they can’t give me what I need. I used to express those needs very directly like “I need a hug” or “I just need some alone time” but apparently that can sound like a command, and it can push people away instead of fostering intimacy. I’m curious what your communication style is, and if it is similar to mine?

    Recently my therapist told me that I need to actually talk about my feelings, so instead of saying what my boundaries are, explain why they are there and the feelings that I’m trying to protect. Something like “I’m worried about x” or “when you do x I feel y”, and that’s what I’ve been working on and I can feel that my relationships with my friends are deepening, so maybe that might work for you too when fostering intimacy?

34. When we don’t commit, it means there are options available.

    For example, I chose the path of least resistance. Commitment requires a lot of work. If there is a woman who I can have fun with after putting in the bare minimum, then I am not going to commit to some other woman since the payoff is the same.

35. In my experience and what I’ve seen, women tend to evaluate whether they see long term potential with a guy in the early stages and before sleeping with him. Then a deeper attraction to him grows with greater intimacy.

    Men tend to have a physical attraction first and then work out later whether they see long term potential, usually after sex and around a couple of months. This is often when men end it and it can appear like they just wanted to get to the sex part but in reality, they didn’t consider whether they were compatible until after sex.

    That might be what is happening. I don’t think there’s any avoiding it really. It sucks because it all seems like it’s going well.

    I would really recommend the book [It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single](https://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-You-Reasons-Single/dp/0399162879)

    It can help with the mind fuck that goes on in our heads about why we don’t have someone yet.

36. This is 1000% me

37. It’s the not the boundary thing, because I have the exact same problem and I’m extremely easy-going, barely have any deal-breakers or hard boundaries at all.

38. I was a bit like you for nine years! I found my partner last year and I’d love to perhaps share what I have reflected on and maybe this may be helpful.

    1. I don’t want to nitpick this but I thought I’d highlight it. The way you are writing about yourself makes it seem like maybe even subconsciously you think a relationship is a reward for being a good person? Using the word chosen seems like all the power is on the other person.

    2. I would reflect on how *you* choose. In retrospect, occasionally, I was going through these periods of vague signs myself. I was letting men dictate the course of the relationship, which again to point 1, wasn’t right.

    It changed immediately when I started to be very specific and clear about what I wanted. I stopped just “dating” and flat out told every man I met that I wanted a partner and to be married and have kids.

    There was some tact to learn and making sure I stood my ground was hard too. The second last guy before my current, we both had feelings for each other. I fell hard for him but he wasn’t in the ”right” place in his life but that ultimately means you’re inherently incompatible. He told me “we can just try it and see what happens,” and it killed me to say to myself “no, I want someone who absolutely wants me.”

    One month after that my partner and I met, and it has been unbelievable ever since then. The one before hit me up a little bit after, I think he was finally ready, but I had already been with my partner for six months.

    The point is: move on quickly and be clear and firm on what you want. If you have a lot going for you as you say, it will happen, just be sure you’re not wasting time.

39. I’m in exactly the same place ….