I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for nearly 5 years. Most of the time it was great. She has generally been very loving, gentle and feminine. Except for 1 period 2,5 years ago, 1 time period 2 years ago and just now. During these periods she becomes cold and distant and hints or outright says she would like to “temporarily” break up. When I ask her what is wrong she doesn’t give any clear answers. She say that she is confused, she doesn’t know her self, she needs time etc. Obviously my paranoia kicks in and I begin to fear that she is cheating, but from what I could tell, thankfully, that was not the case.
I have been dating her for 5 years and I have expected to marry her once I buy an apartment. We have just recently been talking about marriage (about our abstract future “spouses”, though we both knew we were talking about each other). She was telling me about the bachelorette party she wanted and what not, and we even discussed which relatives we need to invite. All in all, everything was fine. Until about two weeks ago…
I know her very well and I can immediately tell if something is wrong. Usually she is very open to me kissing and teasing her. She would often write me when I am at work and invite her to her place or ask her to accompany her to the mall after. This has all changed. She writes to me only about university stuff (we are both attending a post-graduate course at our university) and that is it. She excited about me calling her and doesn’t want to go out anywhere. This weekend I insisted that we meet and she did invite me to her apartment for tea. While we did make out a little bit, she was very reserved and didn’t want me to cuddle her or kiss her much (not normal for her at all). I tried to ask her what is wrong but she convinced me that nothing is, I left it at that and hoping that she will be back to her normal self.
This has not happened. She wrote me today about some paperwork at the university and was again very brief and reserved. I phoned her tonight and after asking again if anything is wrong and hearing her insist that nothing I told her that I know her well enough to know that that something must be. She started crying and when I asked what happened she said that she doesn’t know herself. I asked if she wants to go to a restaurant tomorrow and she immediately spat “no!”. I said that I can end the call if she doesn’t want to talk and she said that she doesn’t.
**What should I do now? I will be seeing her tomorrow. Should I try to get her to talk about what is wrong and why she is acting like that or should I leave her alone and do nothing hoping for the best?**
From my previous experiences about such situations with her she would try to avoid talking about it at all costs. Both last times I forced her to talk about it. She cried a lot and I didn’t get any clear answers about what what wrong but everything eventually got back to normal. **It is my interest to keep this relationship going if possible.** I was planning to marry this girl.
This situation happened completely out of the blue. We had no fights or arguments whatsoever. Everything was going perfectly which makes me super confused. Obviously I am paranoid that she might have cheated (that would be totally devastating), but but I hope for the best and for the sake of this question lets assume it isn’t the case. The has so far been nothing that would suggest cheating so discussing it seems pointless.
*Some background*: We both live with our parents right now, this is pretty normal where we live. She is working as a research assistant at the university, I work in different institution. We have several common friends. We live in a large city.
***TLDR*** *My girlfriend of 5 years started acting coldly towards me and when I ask what is wrong she doesn’t give a clear answer other then telling me that she is “confused”. How should I best approach this issue?*
4 comments
This sort of reaction is very unusual and I don’t know if she is struggling with depression or seasonal depression, or, if she is struggling with memories brought up by something truly horrible like molestation and is struggling to put everything together; sometimes victims honestly can’t remember what it is that happened and why they are so upset.
The good news is that therapy would be able to help any of these situations. The therapist would be able to help her figure out what is wrong and what she can do going forward.
Hugs and patience for her
i’m only chiming in here because i think the other commenter is SO far off base but… i think the problem she doesnt want to be in the relationship anymore but is struggling with that.
Regardless, unless she opens up about it, you’ll never know, so all you can do at this point is tell her that its important to you that the two of you discuss whats wrong.
I know it’s tearing you up not knowing what’s going on. However, you might make more headway asking what you can do to support her, rather then asking her to define what’s wrong.
Sometimes, people get depressed or anxious or just unsettled with their life, feeling trapped even though nothing is technically -wrong-.
While it’s not impossible that she’s cheating on you… I think it’s real unlikely.
Are you close enough with any of her friends that you can seek them out for insights on how to support her?
The thing that is jumping out at me is that you don’t really seem to be hearing her when she is voicing her concerns. When she says she doesn’t know herself and you suggest going to a restaurant, no wonder she’s horrified at your response. Try this – it’s called mirroring. You mirror back to her what she says.
Her: I feel like I don’t know myself.
You: I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way (empathize first). Then say, so what I’m hearing you say is that you’re feeling like you don’t know yourself. Did I get that right? (This is validating her feelings and gives her space to elaborate or correct your mirroring statement).
Then, be quiet and listen attentively. Don’t interrupt, no matter what. When she is done speaking, mirror that statement back to her again. It also really helps if you try really hard to understand where she’s coming from.
Versus getting triggered that she’s distancing herself and cold and whatever else is going through your head.