My (F27) boyfriend (M27) of 5 years is addicted to GTA roleplay and it’s killing our relationship. He spends 12 + hours a day playing, has no job, doesn’t help around the house.. I feel taken for granted, unloved and I’m not sure what I can do to help him get a life .. for lack of better words..any advice?
Here is the long story:
Bit of background – He’s always been a gamer, he would play his Xbox a few hours each day and sometimes I would watch for a while and sometimes I would just do my own thing. It never phased me, I found comfort just in being in his presence and him chatting to his mates on the headset never bothered me either, sometimes it was just background noise and sometimes it was quite entertaining.
Start of this year he got a PC, and immediately he got into GTA roleplay. I was happy for him at first because we used to watch YouTube vids of people playing roleplay servers and always had a laugh so I thought it was cool he would get to join in on the fun.
Job-wise: He started calling in sick for work a lot. (Relatively new job/career) And just sitting at home playing GTA. To the point he had used up all sick pay and holiday pay. Maybe it’s a coincidence idk but he tells me he doesn’t want to work there because of his anxiety and fear of heights (the job is not ground level) and that does check out, he IS scared of heights.
& I can empathise with him on this, maybe this job was a bad choice after all and he should find something else, except he never finds something else. Which is starting to cause me a lot of stress, I only have a casual position at my job, if I’m sick or want time off I don’t get paid so I feel a lot of pressure..
At first my approach was casual, when bringing up the topic of him finding something and he never disagreed, always telling me something like yeah my mate wants to get me in at so and so job just waiting for him to let me know etc
The casual approach wore off after about a month, since then it’s endless nagging on my part… it’s been like 8 months now so I’m at a loss. But always he tells me he has a mate who’s getting him into something “soon” and always he just nods his head and agrees yeah I need a job.. is it just to shut me up?
Domestic-wise: it has always been a bit of a struggle getting him to help around the house, he worked long physical hours so I did pick up a lot of the slack at home and only had to hound him to help me out every once in a while.
Now.. if not prompted/nagged by me, he does NOTHING. Literally nothing. And he’s home ALL DAY.. I get home from work and for the next couple of hours I’m straight into housework mode before I even allow myself to sit down and relax.. he doesn’t lift a finger unless I ask, and most of the time when I do ask it takes 2-3 business days with countless reminders before he does the stupid task, normally with some attitude towards me.. I’m horrible.
Relationship-wise: he gets moody at me often, when I just try to talk to him about anything and everything – it seems to me like just the sound of my voice triggers him nowadays, most likely because MAINLY all I do is nag him to help me out and to get a job and he’s sick of hearing me.
But I’ll come home and I’ll come in and try to say hello and talk about the day but oh my god heaven forbid I’m interrupting his heist or drug deal, he gets SO mad and for what reason.. I’ll leave him alone for a few hours try again and same reaction.
Most nights I fall asleep without him beside me, and when my alarm goes off in the morning he’s still on the computer. I’ve never been really all that clingy, he was always the clingy one before and I would have to scream for some personal space but now I barely get to sleep next to him at all and it hurts me knowing he’d rather be in another reality rather then in bed with me in this reality actually being able to touch and hold each other.
I miss him.. and I love him.. and I’m trying so hard to put myself in his position, I went through a few years where I was severely depressed and my lifestyle was very similar .. except instead of gaming it was just binge watching shows and movies. And instead of no job I just cut my hours back at work to make JUST enough money to survive but that’s all I wanted I didn’t want to be out of the house even a minute longer. I’m wondering if he is going through the same thing and I don’t know how to help.. anyone who tried talking sense into me back then it wouldn’t help or hinder me in any way, I was just too lazy to listen or be bothered with it. I came out of it because I eventually decided to.. so I don’t know how to help.. I can relate but i just don’t know how to HELP..
As of this week I’m sleeping in a different bed.. I’ve told him I’m unhappy and I’m tired of having the same conversations with him. Apart of me hopes he will realise our relationship is dying and he will start to make changes..
I still hear him in the computer room from morning to the next morning like nothing has changed.
What can I do?
25 comments
I think it’s fairly obvious that you need to leave him.
I don’t really understand why you want to stay with this person other than you love them. As a girl who had to beg my exes to do the bare minimum, just end the relationship. You’ll save yourself a lot of pain – there are plenty of men out there who don’t need to be parented and have their lives together. He is twenty seven years old and certainly not your responsibility. If he wanted to do those things for you, he would do them without you asking. This guy is taking advantage of you and will continue to do so until it’s over. Maybe not even then. I suggest you get out of the relationship, it seems like you’ve honestly tried everything in your power to work on things.
If you have spoken about how you feel about what he’s doing and have told him your relationship isn’t sustainable how it is, nothing left to do but leave. You can’t help people that don’t want to be helped.
My brother loves GTA too but it took my mother passing away and for him to have to stand on his own two feet and grow up to see the light. He was depressed for a while but once he hit rock bottom there was only one way to go. And he got a job, paid his bills, cooked his first meals, washed his clothes etc first time ever in his life aged 25. He plays gta still but knows he has to work to support himself now.
You aren’t doing him any favours, nor yourself x
You stay in the other bedroom…or make him. You give him a 30 day notice to move out. If he refuses then you follow through with an eviction. He needs a fire lit under his ass. You’ve taken on the Mother roll and now he resents you. Soon enough (if not already) contempt comes into the relationship once thar happens…you can’t go back. Leave him…
He’s a grown up child. How you haven’t already left his ass is beyond me.
I was the same playing games all day until I went to college. I was 20 years old. Couldn’t play video games all day if you wanted to be a violinist. You gotta level with him. I’m 25 now and honestly my life feels so much better without over an hr of video games a day. Just getting out and running, doing pullups is personally so much more satisfying. Being physical also helped me beat drug addictions to nicotine and alcohol.
You can break up. Being involved with someone who games night and day, doesn’t engage, doesn’t act as a partner….I mean, why be with them? And ‘But I LUVVS him!’ is not an answer. Love is not enough – it is never enough.
You say you want to help, but by your own lived experience (anyone who tried talking sense into me back then it wouldn’t help or hinder me in any way, I was just too lazy to listen or be bothered with it) you know, **YOU KNOW!** you cannot help. **He has to help himself.**
It’s been five years. If things stay exactly the same, how many more years are you willing to live like this? Another five, ten? Because what you are getting now *is what you are going to continue to get*. You have no reason to believe otherwise.
Get out, OP.
Everyone thanks for the advice.. I am considering leaving I guess I’m just looking for any way to salvage this..
I know that “because I love him” isn’t enough, and he’s acting like a man child.. I should have expected these comments but I was so focused on my venting in the post.. the past 5 years (excluding the recent 8 months just gone) our relationship has been the best one I’ve personally ever been in in my life.. we are very compatible as friends and as partners. Living with him and being in a relationship with him is EASY, we understand each other we like each other and we enjoy each other … it’s just this year.. this ISNT him.. I don’t know if I’m even making sense.
If it was a fresh relationship and I’m coming to learn this is what he’s like as a person then yeah fuck that- but I’ve known him for 10 years been with him for 5 and I’m telling you this is all very out of character for him..
When I was in my depression there was nothing anyone could have said to me to pull me out and I know that kind of answers my question that I should let him figure it out but I just know it was hell when I was depressed and I don’t want my own worst enemy to feel that pain alone.
I guess I’m unrealistically hoping there’s some magic solution to getting my boyfriend back, I’m sorry if this is all just very immature, please try to forgive me I’m having a hard time coming to terms that I should just let go..
“Is it just to shut me up?”
Yes.
This guy is taking advantage of you and it sounds like he brings nothing to the table and you get nothing out of the relationship. You’re his mom and his maid, not his partner
Stop letting him waste any more of your time and energy.
Could he be depressed? Excessive video gaming is often used as an escape from the real world and a sign of serious depression.
My ex was quite like this. He would play on his computer, whatever it was he was playing, EVERY NIGHT. I’d often go to bed alone and be asleep by the time he came to bed. His other hobby was the gym and the time he wasn’t on his computer, he was at the gym. I’m all for people having hobbies but he put them above anything. He was self employed and had zero motivation to go out and get work for himself even though he was really talented at what he did (photography/videography) and could have been making really good money for himself. I on the other hand worked a demanding job with long hours and I’d get home and he wouldn’t have done anything around the house.
I put it to the back of my mind for a long time as I felt I was being too demanding or wanting too much attention, but looking back I wasn’t at all. His hobbies were detrimental to our relationship and are what finally caused us to split up.
If he can’t, or isn’t willing to be equally responsible you need to seriously think about whether this is what you want for the rest of your life.
You don’t have a boyfriend, you have a child.
He needs to go. Set him free to find himself and fucking fund himself. Boy needs to pay for his own shit and grow up.
If he’s depressed he needs to get help.
So stop doing anything for him. He does nowt for you and unless you like playing the role of Mum, you know what you need to do.
Look, by all means give him the legally required notice to evict and see what he does. If he shapes up, great! You can decide to date him whilst living APART 😈. Cause he’d probably do it to get you off his back and then slack again.
The thing is if you really love him and still want to stay with him, then you have to take some radical measures, even if you think it would be too hard for him to bear it.
First of all gambling addiction is addiction, and if you want to live with him, help him and get things right you have to stop feeding his addiction. No compromises, no agreements, no more trust to ‘honey, I’m gonna find a new job soon’, it won’t help him, it’ll rather get him deeper into abyss. The cure for an addict person is never sweet. Stop supporting him financially. First and foremost tell him that you love him, tell him that you’ve lost him because of his addiction and you really want him back and after that tell him to get his f@ing lazy ass off the sofa and go find some job. Be harsh and straightforward, but don’t overdo it. Tell him that you give him certain period of time to get back on feet and initiate a job search. Either several weeks, or a month, it’s up to you to decide of what period of time would be the best to see if something changes. Also tell him that you feel yourself really tired and drained because of his addiction and that it’s not gonna work the same anymore. And then stop initiating any conversation on this topic for a while and just watch if something changes.
If he doesn’t find a job in a month or so it’s ok. The purpose of all mentioned above is to find out whether his behavior changes and he stops gaming like a maniac. If he stops this, he finally find a new job, it’s just the matter of time and all in all everything is going to get back to normal. But if your words are another blah blah blah to him and nothing changes despite you being tough and straightforward, then end it. Just end it. Living with an addict is a really hard burden and I doubt you are sure you have enough resources to get through it. I’d even say it would be better for him as well if you leave, cause otherwise he never wakes up of his lucid dream.
I stopped reading that he has no job, but 10 paragraphs explaining? Geez. If you want to support a grown man who plays video games, go ahead. But the “what can I do” is obvious. There is no reason for him to change if he has free room and board. You either throw him out or accept you are being used. There are no other options.
Lol your dating a scrub
He could be depressed.
Get him to try therapy.
If you stay with him you will suffer even more. He clearly doesn’t respect your relationship
A relationship is a deal between two people. Get out and your love will fade and be reborn with someone else eventually.
This sounds like gaming addiction to me. My buddy did the same thing with a popular online RPG, and it cost him his GF. The guy was screaming at computer, breaking things when he was frustrated at the game, called in sick all the time to play, and let the game take over his life. We figured the game was definitely an escape from reality, and he was happier in it because he was more successful in it. Eventually, me and other close friends intervened, talked to him about it together, and he fortunately understood how bad it had become. He still plays games every now and then, but not to the point of addiction. Now, he’s got his own place, a better job, and is dating every now and then.
You’ve already talked to your BF, and have now taken action. If he doesn’t get the hint, then you may want to be blunt. He needs to see how damaging this is to not just your relationship, but his life (career, physical and mental health, etc.). If he doesn’t get this addiction under control, then you’re leaving. Maybe he has close friends you can talk to and ask for help. People showing concern for him is usually a good wake-up call, other than straight up ending the relationship.
On a side note, if you do plan on leaving, get some stuff in order first, and have a friend with you. Best to be wary when ending it with a nerd raging addict to a violent video game.
Your boyfriend is a loser.
You are paying all the bills, time to put the internet on a timer and stop buying food for him!!
What exactly are you in a relationship with? What is a relationship if this?
Why should he work or do anything around the house when he has a mommy/maid to do everything for him? I say this because you’re no longer his partner but his nagging mother. Please send him back to his actual mother and find yourself a real partner.
You leave. He’s not interested in being a partner. Only a couch potato. You are enabling him being a manchild.
You tell him he has to go.
You aren’t his partner, your the mom of a massively irresponsible, lying 12 yr old.
Depressed or using you, he needs a kick in the ass. He won’t get help for depression when you take care of him like a mommy. He won’t grow up and be a decent part of society if he doesn’t have to
All the people saying you should leave him and that he isn’t a great person he might just have a severe depression and maybe he should see the appropriate doctor to feel better. I’m not in you guys shoes but even if it’s really obvious for everyone reading and you he might just not realise that he’s doing that.
I hope everything gets better and things work out gl op