I’ve been struggling recently with making conversation. It’s not because I’m super shy, because I can usually do things like presentations and talking to strangers just fine. I feel like it’s more an issue with the ‘art of conversation’. I used to be better at this but over the years my social skills have declined so that I don’t really know how to have a conversation. For example, when I talk to my girlfriend on facetime, I usually let her carry the conversation and simply respond to what she’s saying. But I don’t think it’s because I’m lazy. It’s just that when she stops talking and it’s my turn to talk, my mind often goes completely blank and I can’t think of anything to say. Nothing particularly interesting happened in my day, so there’s nothing I really feel the need to talk about. So I just sit there in silence, and then she gets frustrated saying that I’m not putting any effort into the conversation. I try desperately to think of things to say but it seems unnatural, forced and robotic.
It makes me sad because I know there’s a real beauty in having conversations and deep discussions. When I was younger, I remember having great conversations with my dad about life and all sorts of random things, where the words just flow out your mouth effortlessly, but since he passed away I’ve rarely had the chance to engage in truly meaningful conversation. Now I like to listen to podcasts and other people’s conversations, but I have no idea how to have a conversation like that in real life; a back and forth exchange of ideas and opinions. I don’t even know how to have small talk. That kind of jovial, witty banter doesn’t come naturally to me, so I probably sound a bit direct and robotic. And it seems quite superficial and pointless, but I still know that small talk is important for building friendships, so I wish I was better at it anyway.
I’m not sure what I’m trying to say here, I’m just tired of having nothing to talk about with people. Are there any techniques or mnemonics that help you think of things to talk about? Or do I need to read more about the world and current events? I feel like I’m missing out on such a huge part of human existence here by not being able to have conversations just for the fun of having a conversation. I don’t always want to have an agenda when I’m speaking to people.
2 comments
Most of the times I try to attach on something they say and just make a conversation out of it. Askins questions is really important and gets the conversation going, also assumptions are the best you can do since even if you are wrong, you are forcing them to correct you or they would let it slip as real.
Start the conversation with the usual questions that everybody asks and then proceed from there by attaching to the things they say. “I went to the gym” -> “How did it go?” –> “Why have you decided to go to the gym” or even assumptions such as “You look like you go to the gym”, or even what you yourself think about it “Going to the gym is really healthy, etc.”
Usually I have the same starting questions sure but the deeper I get into talking the more the questions start to differ and the more I have to offer. Don’t just ask and ask, provide your thoughts on what they say, etc. It seems like an interview if all you do is ask and don’t provide anything, so both ask and say what you think while attaching and making other conversation topics on what they say. Also you can just start the conversation by telling your own stories, what happened today, etc. since also your GF can do the same thing.
About adding humor, just get used to this first – then humor will be the next step.
I disagree that “nothing particularly interesting happened during my day.” What that tells me is you have a mindset of not NOTICING what’s happening during the day that your girlfriend (or anyone you socialize with) would find interesting. You need to become a fly on the wall of your own life and start looking for things that would be fun to comment on. Once I started doing this I was shocked at the amount of stuff that’s amusing, interesting, caused an emotional reaction, are worth sharing.
The thing is we just tend to ignore that stuff and carry on. So a good exercise would be to start writing stuff down, make a few notes on interesting things that happen during your day, and review the notes before you talk to your gf.
Anything that is: interesting, unusual, funny, heart-warming, informational, crazy, weird, sad, frustrating. It’s all human interest stuff, so any of it is fair game for a fun conversation. Also if it causes an emotional reaction within you it’s probably interesting.
So, start doing that exercise each day, making notes on paper or in your phone. Do it with the INTENT of finding interesting stuff. Usually it’s little things or observations. You don’t need a house fire or a robbery to have something interesting to say.
And then tell it with some passion. Enthusiasm is the opposite of boredom.
Good luck!