I’m just tired I guess..

it hurts that I’m never chosen

I know I only seen him for a not even a month but I gave him part of me that I never gave anyone else.

You see I can be secure on my own dating just triggers my trauma and everything in it not only that I don’t end up liking a lot of men theirs always that one person I end up having a spark with and ends up hurting me.

No matter how many breaks I take from dating or giving myself time the trauma with meeting a new guy always comes back.

I wish I did have a guy who was serious about me and that I don’t have to fight for him I don’t have to worry about mutiple dating and honestly I’m too indecisive to mutiple date anyway.
And the big thing patient and not interested in playing games and is serious about a committed relationship. Even though I’ve never been in one.

I just wish I could get to the place in the relationship where I can relax I can finally feel comfortable and fall into his arms and not feel afraid anymore.

I never get pass the talking stage I never do. I’ll take another break again from dating and learn but I know every single time I take a break it takes a very long time for me to like another guy again like years. Not only that I’m going to be 23 next month and I’ve never been in a relationship I’ve only had situationships and my first kiss was with this guy.

As a person with sexual abuse trauma this experience just retrauamized me. Now I gotta put up more walls… and every single time I take a break and because I’m not attracted to a lot of men it makes it more difficult and I’m pretty sure it has something to do with my trauma.

Not only that because I’ve never been in a relationship either it’s so so difficult for me to even know what to do or how to even get to that stage because I’m not physcial enough with them and I end up getting screwed over and hurt because I’m not okay with being physical with them within a week. ( boyfriend an girlfriend )

If your gonna ask I’ve tried the being friends route too once and that ended up with me being more heartbroken because there feelings never really ended up changing to romantic either. Because that only works if they liked you in the beginning.

Guess I’m taking another break but this part of my life love is rare and I’ve been burned too many times and too many situationships that just re trigger me over and over again.

If your gonna ask I am in therapy I’ve been in therapy for 6 years and still doing the work been doing it for a long time since I was 17. Plus I didn’t grow up know what healthy love or relationship looks like anyway.

And I’m a very patient person but it seems like I end up with people who are not patient or aren’t interested of course I don’t bother with the ones who aren’t interested.