I (21) F, have been my mothers (52) therapist since I was a child & don’t know how to coexist with her while placing boundaries.

Since the age of 11 or so, I’ve had to hear about my mothers issue with my fathers drug abuse & gambling. He is a high functioning drug addict, which for him, means he can still work, maintain a somewhat normal life (from the POV of outsiders) & his addiction is not noticeable unless you are within the inner circle of the family. However, that doesn’t mean it hasn’t caused copious issues. While money has never been an issue, his health is drastically failing, he/ my mothers relationship is extremely strained. My siblings & I also had to deal with physical & verbal abuse from time to time. He is also extremely egotistical & prefers to put us down, rather than uplifting in any sort of way (as I believe it makes him feel better?).

To make up for these failings, he constantly provided a lavish lifestyle & presents – his way of saying sorry & showing that he works hard & does indeed care for his family. & not to excuse his behaviour, but everything he does is a learned behaviour from his own mother & father which I have witnessed from them. The fact he has been constantly absent from my life due to business trips, overseas company ties etc, has actually protected me from learning his behaviours.

With that aside, my mother has been deeply unhappy for years. We have a very close relationship. I have been her constant source of support for years. She yo-yo’s between loving & hating him; after many bad spells, they always have a honeymoon period & all is forgotten until it happens again.

It started with me just being there, giving her emotional support by listening & not being able to contribute much, as I didn’t have the capacity to do so. When I got older, the solutions started coming: therapy, marriage counselling, addiction treatment centres – more. None of these were taken either by him or her as they both don’t believe in therapy etc. It would frustrate me because possible solutions were there & these solutions would also benefit me, as I’d no longer need to deal with the stress & responsibility of being a therapist. Which I was dealing with often & struggling with. But they would always be ignored.

When it got really bad, I actually took it upon myself to write a letter to him pleading to get some medical tests done as it was clear something was wrong medically. I handled it all; the appointments, the scans – I was corresponding back & forth with his doctors & the insurance. I took on the role of my mother. I finally got through to him that he was an addict as confirmed by the medical damage that was found. This was something he would never admit to before. He addressed the issue & said he planned to get help. Attended a few appointments, locked me out of his file & flaked. He’s never been back since.

Through my own therapy sessions I’ve accepted this & I’m ok with it, because he needs to realise these things himself & he needs to come to a specific stage of acceptance before he gets treatment – no one can push him into that. But I’m glad I at least done something different to what was usually done by my mother or siblings i.e., crying, moaning, nagging, arguing, cold shoulder, making up, pushing issues under carpet, honeymoon period – then recycle.

I see a therapist weekly & we work through this. I’m coming to terms with the fact I cannot seek solutions for this any further as it not only effects my mental health, but it is unhelpful until he realises he needs help. My next hurdle is my mother.

As mentioned I’ve been (what seems like) her therapist since I was extremely young – far too young to understand the gravity of the situation. As mentioned I started offering solutions & then went on to be a prosecutor of sorts. Being angry at her, taking it out on her. I would be especially angry when she would come to me yet again, without trying any of the solutions I would offer. My main solution was that if she attends therapy or a group of some sorts (similar to like Al-Anon) she would have support & that would direct that away from me & my siblings. As we are not equipped to deal with this. We couldn’t help or listen to the same cycle that was repeating every 2nd week. She would be better equipped emotionally if she seen a professional who could help her not only deal with a partner who suffers with addiction, but find ways to cope with the stress & frustration of it. Because her coping strategies are really bad & only make the situation so much more worse for her, my dad & the family.

Even just seeing her try to seek out these solutions (or come up with her own solutions) would’ve meant the world to me. But she point blank refuses to see or speak to anyone – even a creative outlet – she only wants to talk to me. When I blow up on her, I then feel extremely guilty & she will of course push it under the carpet, not deal with her feelings properly until it happens again & again. Mentally speaking, that in itself is a really psychologically damaging thing to do.

I wish I could move out but my college is literally 5 minutes away. I study vet science & my course demands too much of my time – balancing a job is just not feasible right now & rent near college is extremely high. I want to assert my boundaries & tell her not to come to me anymore, not to guilt me & not to bring my into these issues between her & my dad – but I don’t know how to navigate this. Because I also know that she doesn’t have anyone else or a “landing pad” to fall back on. She will never talk to her friends about it. She will never talk to a therapist. She believes family issues should be kept in the family. She also has suicidal tendencies & is extremely depressed. I even spoke to my father about it but he doesn’t want to address it either, because it means he will need to address his addiction. My siblings are mostly interstate in different colleges, except for one, who she doesn’t go to as he has his own struggles. It’s only me now. I don’t know how to live at home daily & ignore these conversations or what to say to make her understand that I am not equipped to handle them anymore.

Tl:dr – mum treats me like a therapist about marital issues between her & my dad (& his drug addiction) & it’s really impacting my mental health. Not sure how to assert my boundaries & still have a great relationship with her, while removing myself from being her therapist, especially as I cannot move out & won’t be able to do so for next few years.