I recently got into a new relationship with a girl that has only dated one guy for all her life. She is 23 and they have been together for 3 and a half years. Before we started dating, they were already not together for half a year.
Her ex is very obsessive towards her. He keeps sending messages to her and saying how he made a mistake and he will improve himself and blah blah.
Yesterday she told me he told her that he needs to speak with her privately. He said it’s too important to be said on phone and that he wants to come to her apartment that night so they can talk. I told her that it’s obvious he wants to get back with her and that she should draw the line for him. She told him not to come.
She went to a movie with her family, and when she got back at like 1am, he waited inside of her apartment with flowers and all sorts of gifts. He told her that he knows her and that he knows she wants him back. And then he fking got on his knees and proposed to her. She told him no. He tried to kiss her and again she denied him. I called her when he was still there because she texted me that he is there and he told her “ doesn’t he realise that he is only a rebound” . Before he left her apartment, he left the ring there and told her that he will give her some time to think about it.
After he left, we talked on the phone. I told her that I’m very glad that she shared everything with me and that it says a lot. I also told her that I think she acted correctly in the situation and that she shouldn’t feel any sort of guilt. She did nothing wrong. And lastly I told her that she must tell that to her parents. They should be involved. The problem is she is very hesitant about telling her parents and she haven’t told them yet.
I feel like he is delusional but that my gf is too sweet and kind to be super direct with him to the point that he will snap out of it.
I would love to get some advice on how to deal with this situation further.
Thanks a lot for any help
Tldr- My girlfriend’s ex came to her apartment last night and proposed to her. She said no but he is not letting go. I’m debating over what should I do and how to resolve the issue.
38 comments
It sounds like you showed her support. You should continue doing that.
This guy sounds obsessive and I think she realizes it. My suggestion is that you suggest that she tell him bluntly that they are not getting back together, and any further attempts to contact her may result in her getting a restraining order against him. I wouldn’t push her to do it, she’s an adult and can decide for herself how to handle it.
Depende de ella, tu debes apoyarla, puedes aconsejarla, pero no decidir por ella, ahora si ella está dispuesta a ir hasta el final, una orden de restricción policial sería buena opción
He was *inside* her apartment? How did that happen?
Uhm…why didn’t she call the police? Showing up at her house at all hours is stalky behavior. She should have someone else return the ring to him and explain that she will get a restraining order against him if he doesn’t stay away. This guy has the potential to be dangerous and she needs to be unambiguous in future interactions.
This isn’t *your* issue to resolve. She needs to take action. She should also notify all family and friends that they are not to provide any information to him and let them know what he’s done. You can provide suggestions and be supportive.
She already told this guy no and he’s still persisting, she might need to file a restraining order because he sounds too obsessive and just showing up to the apartment uninvited? Wow! Those are the type of guys that end up on ‘Snapped’… be cautious, he could retaliate for the rejection.
She really needs to tell him no and *block* him. Why hasn’t she blocked him already?
Also: he was inside her apartment? She needs to change her locks immediately! That sounds dangerous with an obsessive ex.
Personally I think she ought to talk to *his* parents. Explain what’s going on and suggest they help him find a therapist. Also give them his ring as right now he has a reason to keep bothering her.
A restraining order might be in order if it continues to be an issue.
ETA: Right now she sounds like she’s still enjoying the attention and keeping her options open. Why isn’t he blocked? Why does he have a working key to her place? Why didn’t she phone the police when he broke in in the middle of the night?!
This honeslty sounds like it could get dangerous for her. You’re right that she should tell her parents, but she should also definitely move where she hides her keys and file a police report for trespassing. Good on you for being supportive of her, it sounds like she needs it
Restraining order anyone??? Maybe???
Seriously you have handles this very well man. She does need more people involved. She needs all the support she can get.
She needs to change her locks.
I’m going to say what others are dancing around, this is a massive red flag and these behaviors often lead to violence.
She needs to change her locks, get restraining order, and stop all communication with him.
Obsessive behaviors are dangerous and both you need to take precautions.
You can only keep offering her support and help her make the right decisions. She does need to get distance from him, but that really needs to come from somebody in her family or a very close long-term friend. I would encourage her to talk to her family and friends about it so they can also help her make the best decision. He is not going to back down until she sends him a clear message that he is not in the picture anymore. She needs to be clear that he cannot enter her apartment ever again. If he continues after that it will be a stalker/restraining order situation. Just keep being supportive and encourage her to get support from family and friends.
You are doing all the right things so far.
It is not your job to fix this problem. She blocks him and ends contact or I would gtfo. Too much baggage to handle personally.
Your girlfriend is in danger , he could literally kill her out of obsession
Have her change her phone number and then hand it back out to people who are trusted.
She then goes through all of her social media and blocks him.
She needs to punt him out of her life before he moves from obsessive stalker to violence. And unfortunately the line there is very thin.
Then when ever he shows up on her property she call the police for a trespasser (and get the trespassing reports). After two trespassing attempts get a restraining order.
Be supportive. Give advice if she asks. Do not cross that line into trying to control her actions. She already has one dude trying to do that. Standing up for yourself and setting down boundaries takes practice. As long as she is not in danger from this guy, she needs to navigate and figure it out.
I have actually been in this situation. My ex finally pushed me to a point I had to be very direct, but it took several conversations. I feel for her. He sounds controlling and manipulative. It is good she has you to support!
Are you sure he’s an ex and you’re not the one on the side?
Tell her to hide her keys elsewhere and get a restraining order
Your girlfriend is in danger. Her ex is a stalker, persistent, irrational, and knows how to get in her house. She needs to go atomic and take drastic steps to ensure her security and block him physically and electronically. This is terrifying.
It’s a restraining order/no contact order time and change the locks. I would also advise reporting him for trespassing on her property to start the paper trail. Besides that just support her and give her lots of love and maybe some pepper/bear spray to for her protection.
Why are you not more concerned with your gf having essentially a stalker. This is all genuinely concerning and police worthy. Going in her house by knowing where she hides her keys are you kidding?
I want to add this comment because it refers to many of the comments right here. I talked to her about him being potentially dangerous and she told me she is not worried and that she is sure that he will not harm her. Idk what more can I do
I’d recommend she give the ring to her parents to give back to him so he has no further reason to interact with her.
How is she dealing with this? You mentioned that you assured her she should not feel guilty. Does she feel guilty about this? Is she frightened? I would be.
He has likely committed multiple crimes: stalking, breaking and entering
Involve the police immediately. This is dangerous behavior. Call the police if she won’t, you might be saving her life.
She doesn’t want to tell her parents because her parents will probably try to convince her to marry him.
Let her handle her own parents, she knows them, you don’t. And trust her. She has earned it.
It’s police time, not rationalization time
Also, she sounds very passive and meek
She needs to tell me she’s wants no further contact, and attempts to call or show up on the premise will result in police action.
Quick point of clarity here, because I don’t have much advice to offer otherwise.
Do not think of your gf as being too meek to be direct with him. This man showed up IN her apartment. She is being indirect and passive because directly rejecting this dude is going to put her in a lot of a fucking danger. This dude is delusional, you’re right. Do you think he will stop when he can’t get what he wants without hurting her?
You were right to encourage her to tell her parents. Now insist that she have her landlord change the locks on her door (if she rents, or she can call a locksmith herself if she owns). She can return the ring to him by mail, send a courier, whatever, but she should not have him back to her apartment to retrieve it. She should also file a police report. This stalker behavior on his part can only get worse, and your girlfriend seems like a nice person who hates the idea of bothering anybody unnecessarily. However, this is about her safety and establishing a paper trail now is the smart thing to do so that she can get a restraining order later, if it comes to that. Make sure she advocates for herself!!!
Pls change her locks.
Call the cops, pawn the ring and move
He broke into her apartment in the middle of the night to propose to her, 6 months after they broke up and while knowing she has a new boyfriend. That must have been really scary for your girlfriend. How is she doing? So many women are assaulted or even murdered by exes, she’s so lucky that she could get him to leave without the situation escalating.
This guy sounds unbalanced as hell. Any normal person would know without asking that this kind of behavior is weird, wrong, and potentially criminal. This isn’t her being “too polite”, this is him stalking. She needs to call the police and report it and then you guys together need to do some research on how to deal with this situation that doesn’t put her in danger.
Why dont you both take a photo or video of you kissing each other and send it to him? And maybe then the message becomes clear to him? Lol.
Dont actually do it though. Its just a joke.
You are mistaking your girlfriend being too sweet for being afraid, as she should be. Maybe she doesn’t realize it yet, but many women have been socialized to be kind and accommodating, sweet mannered, in response to aggressive behavior. It’s a survival tactic that works when the aggressor is usually someone 2-3x stronger than you and can pretty easily hurt if not kill you.
She told him not to come. She can’t be expected to not go to her own apartment to avoid his harassment. She lives there. Its not her fault. She could be more firm or even aggressive back to him, but there’s a risk, especially when he’s showing signs of unhinged behavior.
She needs to ask her landlord to formally trespass him from the apartment building. She needs to look into getting a restraint order against him. She needs to seek out help from people who can help her before he does something that you can’t come back from.
Hollllllll up. How the fuck did he get into HER apartment??
I’ve been in a similar situation. If she’s not 100% to cut him off and actively shut down all of his attempts at contact, the. You should just walk away. This will always end messy I’d clear lines are drawn and enforced.
He’s going to become violent towards her or you next.
Somebody here has to be an adult and start taking this seriously in terms of personal safety.
And you need to consider how much of this you want in your life
I am TERRIFIED for your girlfriend, how are you so calm? This is how women get literally murdered – by rejecting an obsessive lunatic who thinks they own her, or if they can’t have her no one else can. He entered her apartment without permission, this is really serious.
I’m not convinced she’s *not* stringing him along intentionally or otherwise.
Totally plausible he’s nuts but it’s also possible she’s not being truthful with both of you.
Restraining Order and police report to document the stalking. Romantic stalking turns violent. The greatest threat to a woman is a current or former romantic partner.