Tell me about a time when being broken up with was a wake up call to change your behavior?
Has any one else had to come to terms with learning from a relationship they lost bc of their own actions? What happened and how did recover/change/forgive and prepare yourself to not repeat your mistake in order to move forward and date again?
11 comments
I am perfect in every way, so all I learned from past relationships was that my perfection was intimidating to other people.
Kidding. Obviously. It’s actually hard to answer such a broad question, but I’ll list a few things that come to mind.
First off, EVERY relationship is a massive learning experience. Some teach you where you can improve your own issues, some teach you about how to react to other people’s issues, and some teach you how to recognize and run the fuck away from red flags as fast as possible. (Sadly, for all we talk about recognizing “red flags,” experience is the only way to really learn a lot of them!).
With any learning experience, the following is really important:
1. First, you have to distance yourself from the emotional side of it and take a clear inventory of what happened. Recognizing thought and behavior patterns on your side, but also recognizing where the other person was wrong or unfair (so you don’t beat yourself up too much). A good, straight-talking friend or a therapist is really helpful here.
2. Making a plan of action to improve. Recognizing an issue is only half the battle; you have to actually act on it. For example, if your relationship fell apart because you “settled” for someone you weren’t all that into, and spent months rationalizing WHY you should stay with them even when you were looking for ways out… now you know that you need to be firmer about sticking to your standards for your next relationship. You recognize that when you aren’t that into someone, it’s easier to end things rather than prolong them.
3. As always, self-compassion for yourself and kindness towards others. The fact is that we’re all human, we are vastly imperfect, selfish, needy, narcissistic in our own ways. We screw up. Accept that things happen and do your best to forgive and move on. Resentment will choke the life out of you.
I love this. All really helpful insights.
Esp # 3. Easy to forget how important it is to zoom out and accept that we are all disastrous.
You need to go to therapy and delve into your childhood to make sure you’re not repeating the mistakes of your parents (for ppl from toxic families)
I had a relationship with a friend of 10 years a few years after being utterly destroyed by the dissolution of my engagement. I thought I was ready but I absolutely wasn’t.
We dated for about a year and I can’t say that I was great to her. Never any abuse or anything like that. I just never really “showed up” for her, I was the embodiment of emotionally unavailable at that time. I just wasn’t there and didn’t really consider her or even my own needs at the time. It ended with her cheating on me, unsurprisingly, and dumping me via text.
While that was painful, I wasn’t particularly heartbroken at the end of the relationship I was very upset with losing the friendship.
It took a few weeks but I sat back and unobjectively looked at myself and my behavior and realized that I needed to do better as she didn’t deserve that and neither did I. Got into therapy a week later and spent a year really working on myself before I felt comfortable really trying dating again in a meaningful way. Therapy literally changed my life. In every single way.
It’s a night and day difference these days. I had a lot of issues that I didn’t have worked out and just buried. The old saying “you can’t love someone until you love yourself” is true. I entered that relationship as a guy who had no confidence, no boundaries I knew how to communicate, no embraced identity, fat and depressed.
These days I am very emotionally available and am happy on my own, in shape with hobbies, a better friend group, and a MUCH better understanding of myself. Trying to meet the right person. I am very clear about myself, my expectations and my boundaries. Dating is dating but I am not who I was to that woman or to myself back then.
For everything that happened and the pain and friendship it cost me.. that text message I got from her ended up being the best thing that happened to me.
In terms of forgiveness for a few years I had to accept it for what it was and forgive myself and her from a distance. We actually ended up having a conversation a couple months ago and we talked about it. Sounded like it ended up being a wake up call for both of us and we’re both doing much better these days. I will always have a certain amount of love for her and I know she will do well and find her way.
Go to therapy. Really get down and do the work. Then get back out there.
Edit: love getting downvoted for telling a story
Spirituality helped me a lot. Reading Alan Watts. Trying not to worry about the future. Those thoughts won’t change the outcome.
Not related to being broken up directly with but surely the cause of some of my breakups in life…
Make sure your mental health is in a good place going in. You’d be surprised how amazing of a partner you can be when you arent an emotional wreck.
You’ll be able to better communicate your needs and boundaries, not overreact to trivial things, and really figure out if someone is a good long term fit vs an immediate plug in your emotional void.
If anything break ups give me energy to get back into the gym and push myself further than before. It may be anger it may be reversal of the negative energy into positive energy.
I’ve also realized I’m always putting the woman’s interests before mine and I forget my needs and my self improvement. I am learning it’s ok to be a little selfish and make sure I’m good before going out of my way to make somebody else happy.
I hope at this decade of our age that 99% of us reflect and learn from past relationships. My last serious relationship of 5 years ended mostly because of me. I had an opportunity to work in a different state and receive a significant amount of money for doing so. It was only a 2 yr contract.
I told my partner at the time this and we were going to move together. Long story short, I ended up moving and they stayed behind-i was under the impression they were going to come with. We tried the long distance and lasted 3 months begore they broke things off with me claiming long distance was too hard.
We still keep in touch, both of us have moved on in our lives. I still reflect on that particular relationship even though it has been a couple of years because ive matured and grown alot and learned from it as well. My relationship that came after that one…man was that a mistake but thats another story.
Letting myself go and not being the best i could be.
I realised in some relationships I see something in that someone else that I lack in myself. Sometimes its a hobby I haven’t participated in years, or something I’ve been putting off.
So I pick it up. I think you need to be good with yourself fully before you date, and not look for people to fill the gaps.
Recognize your mistakes but also realize a breakup probably wasn’t all your fault. As much as you should consider what you could have done better in a relationship, consider things your partner should have done better and make sure to look for those things in your next partner. A relationship should be two people putting in equal effort, not you doing everything to keep someone happy with you.