My fiancee just turned 30. I have a huge trip planned to celebrate coordinated with several friends. Today she unexpectedly called off our engagement and relationship of 6 years, no fight or catalyst.
She wasn’t able to name anything specifically as to why she’s ending our relationship except that she feels that “something” in our relationship is missing. We have a house together. My name is unfortunately not on the mortgage because we aren’t married but planned to get married shortly after buying it. She says she didn’t cheat or anything and thinks this is the time to end the relationship before we have kids or something.
I have to move out. I feel absolutely fucked financially (bc the house is in her name) and emotionally and don’t even know where to start. I have no family anywhere nearby. We absolutely built our lives around each other. Outside of our small friend group, I have one best friend nearish.
This came out of nowhere. I am blindsided and devastated right now and don’t even know where to start. Like should I even try to see if we could work things out — or is that a lost cause and try to find a place to live asap?
33 comments
Why weren’t you on the mortgage? Did you put money into the house as well?
Honestly, you need to focus on finding somewhere to stay. This may have been out of the blue for you, but it sounds like your ex was thinking on it for a while.
Honestly if you are contributing to monthly payments and the down payment don’t move out until she formally evicts. Notice needs to be given. Then consult a lawyer if she doesn’t plan to sell and split profits. Go on the trip, don’t take her. Sorry man.
I don’t see an assessment from you about your relationship. How would you characterize it?
Talk to a lawyer asap. I know it’s not a divorce but it basically is, you share a home, you have verbal agreements and have both put money it to what should have been your future together, you’re going to need a lawyer to navigate and untangle all of this.
Do not move out of your house until or unless she evicts you. Follow your lawyer’s advice to the letter.
As for the relationship side of things, I’m so sorry she‘s ending things so suddenly like this. It must be really hurtful to not even be given a concrete reason. Don’t try to talk to her about it too much, prioritize your legal situation first and foremost. People rarely end relationships this suddenly without there being more to the story so keep your eyes open but guard yourself emotionally.
This didn’t come out of nowhere. Something or somethings happened for her to decide to end things now. You can try to talk to her, but I doubt she’ll give you an answer. Did she ever talk to you about any problems you’ve been having?
Financials?
Have you been paying for the house? I mean if she bought the house…..fine, it is hers, you shouldn’t have any financial reimbursement claims but if you’ve both been paying on it she should pay you an equity check to give you the equity you’ve paid for her.
The relationship.
You can push for more closure if you want….to get her to give you the real reason she is breaking up other than “doesn’t feel right” BS. Otherwise, no there is nothing more to do. Just move on with your life and take care of yourself and go meet some new ladies. Begging and pleading will just make her lose all respect for you.
Slow down. This just happened today. Maybe you’ll need a lawyer or maybe she will be a decent person, recognise what money you put in, and give you some money (rare but I’ve seen it happen). But that’s a lot to deal with right now. The only practical thing you need to deal with straight away is where are you going to sleep tonight? Is there a spare bedroom? Can you crash on someone’s couch? Have a good cry, get over the initial shock and then deal with the practical stuff in a few days when you can think straight again
Idk whether this is anything but I notice you talk a lot more about your finances and the financial ramifications of this than the personal, social, and emotional aspects. I get that you’re having to scramble to figure something out and it’s stressful. But, and this could be a shot in the dark, is it possible that she felt you were more concerned about the financial components of the relationship than the emotional aspects?
You mentioned you have a best friend nearby. Can you go stay with them for a little bit? It will be a distraction to have a friend around, and it’ll get you out of the house. I don’t have anything to add with regards to the financial aspect but hopefully a lawyer will be able to help. Wishing you all the best.
This doesn’t usually come out of nowhere.
Get an attorney specializing in real estate and tell her that you are going to sue her for the money from the house and upgrades!! Reading between the lines I think she found someone else and you have been kicked to the curb!! You have dodged a bullet and she has shown you her true colors! Not a person I would want in my life EVER! But why did you leave? I would’ve made her evict me ! Good luck to you
Sorry if I sound like a dick, but it seems likely there have been a lot of signals leading up to this situation, and that these have been left unattended. She made her decision final, and there’s not much left to fix here. Hope you can get your stuff together together asap
Nobody just calls off an engagement for no reason, there’s a reason and she just doesn’t want to say why. I’m not going to sit here and fill your mind with nonsense since she is the only one who knows why.
Now, you’re not entirely fucked for the house. Why you didn’t put your name on the deed is a mistake that hopefully you learn next time. BUT…..you do have a paper trail that shows you are financially invested in that house because going through my buying process, they went up my ass to show the money trail for my down payment. You have all that, so it may take awhile or you can use it as leverage to get her to buy you out for your share you contributed, but you can go to civil litigation and show you provided a substantial financial investment in that house so you are entitled to getting your money back. As I said, use it as leverage because taking her to court is going to cost her money and time and a headache if she wants to fight it.
As far as a place to go, reach out to your friend and ask of you could stay till you save enough to at least put a down payment on an apartment or find a room to rent.
I absolutely wouldn’t move out until speaking with a lawyer.
Hey OP. First of all – I’m so sorry.
Now if she is the home owner you are on a month to month lease and she needs to give you 30 days written notice to move out. In other words – legally you have some time to figure things out about where you will live. Take that time if you need it.
Now let’s talk practicalities about the house. Did you help put the down payment on it? Are you currently paying for some of the mortgage? If you helped to buy the house you can work with an attorney to potentially get your down payment back. Worth looking into.
This is why I always tell people not to buy a house together if they’re not married, unless they have everything spelled out in legal documents. No one ever thinks their SO would screw them over until it happens. Don’t move out until you get legal advice. And make sure you get a shark of a lawyer.
You paid part of the down payment and repairs and it was to much trouble to get your name on the deed? There is more to this.
I had something similar happen to me (but we didn’t own a house) and after poking and proding, because I couldn’t make sense of how we never even fought in the years we were together, that he would just abruptly end it and the end result was that he cheated on me with a coworker. She had a trustfund and he said that he had been concerned that since I was in college, I’d never find a job in my field so he picked his coworker instead. You said that things have come up in the past, like regarding you not asking her to marry you. How long were you dating before you became engaged? Why did it get put off for so long? How long were you engaged before you bought the house?
Wow. Sorry bro. There has to be more she is not telling you. Has to be. I don’t think you can do either without knowing what went sideways.
Do not move out, move into a spare room and stand your ground. She owes you for your investment and can go about legally getting you out, but if you walk away with your tail between your legs you will be letting her screw you over.
Living together, bought a house together, wanted to get married soon…
My guess: either you didn’t hear or see her waving for help or how unhappy she was
Or she ducked her coworker and it was better than she expected or ever dreamt of.
This comes not out of nowhere.
Probably she posted on Reddit and people told her to break up with you
My now gf did this to a guy a few years ago. I was friends with her first for the last 18 years so I know she didn’t cheat. Her reason was bc she wasn’t attracted to the guy anymore. She dated him bc he was a funny nice guy. He really is a good guy. But she couldn’t see herself having kids with him which she wants. I also think she always had an eye for me but I was always seeing someone else and so was she. We never hooked up or even touched each other like that. We would give fist bumps lol. But fast forward to now she’s the love of my life and my soul mate for sure. Sorry to spill into it all. But it could be she just thinks there’s better out there specifically for her. She wants to venture that. I’m sorry man. That really does suck.
When exactly was your timeline for marriage? Did you have a date planned, ring on, invites sent, venue booked?
In my experience as a gf waiting 5+ years for someone to propose- I won’t be waiting much longer. There’s always an excuse why the marriage has to wait and I’m not willing to make major life decisions (buying a house) without the commit of marriage. She probably realizes if you have a house now and you still have not advance the relationship to marriage, it’s likely not happening and she’s losing her bargaining chips quickly by buying a house with you. So she wanted to secure the house, end the relationship and stop waisting her time with you because you haven’t honored it if your not even engaged after 6 years.
How often are you eating pussy? This wasn’t random, she hasn’t been happy with you for a while.
This compares a little bit to how a friend of mine left her long term relationship. She had been checked out for a while for a number of reasons. No cheating, but the relationship dynamic was lopsided and she just kept going through the motions until, one day, she realized it was time to leave. He felt blindsided, and I guess I get why, but it was just time for it to end.
Anyway. Sometimes these things, though painful, are for the best. Much better for her to leave now than to wait until you two are married or, much worse, have children together .
I would guess that passion or chemistry is missing. If it’s not finances, family, communication, different ideas about kids or cleanliness. Then it’s passion, sex, attraction. That would explain why it’s hard to explain. How do you explain to someone that while they may be attractive you aren’t attracted to them. It’s not really anything you’ve done wrong or can fix.
My partner of 8 years and I bought 5 months ago. We’re unmarried and both on the mortgage. This wasn’t hard at all. They literally asked who was on the mortgage and we told them both our names. Done.
I’m unsure of why you thought (or were told?) it’d be a headache to add both yourself and your ex.
* Do not move out. Even in the worst situation, she needs to provide you at least 30 days notice to have you evicted, but you likely have far more rights that depend on your state and exact situation. Move to a different bedroom and if she asks about you moving out or something like that, say that you’re looking at your options. Don’t say anything more.
* Contact a lawyer immediately for a consultation. Someone specializing in property, maybe a divorce attorney. It’ll cost a few hundred dollars and then you’ll have a real understanding of your position and options. Do not tell her you’re doing this, do not tell her anything about your plans in any way.
* Your relationship is completely done, I know this is shocking and devastating. Talk to your family, your friends, a therapist, do not talk to her about it at all.
* Do not trust at all that she wants to treat you honorably in this breakup. If she meant to, she already would have told you about how she plans to compensate you for what you put in the house, etc.
I really feel for you and hate to focus on material concerns when you probably feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest, but we’re all on here talking about lawyers and finances because you are in an extremely vulnerable mental and emotional state and could easily let yourself get seriously screwed over.
You must feel like the rug’s been pulled out from under you, to say the least. Your ex apparently has lousy communication skills. However, I don’t really understand why you don’t have your name on the mortgage, despite intending to marry. Come to that, why you decided to purchase a house with her before marriage—what was the big rush?! Anyway, if your ex is a decent person, she’ll buy you out for your part of the house. She shouldn’t evict you like she’s some nasty landlord. If you have the paperwork that clearly demonstrates your financial contribution towards the purchase, maybe you should see a lawyer about suing her. I can’t guarantee you have a case, but maybe you could have the lawyer write her a threatening letter that you’ve consulted him. Anyway, though it may not seem long like it now, it may be a good thing that you’re not marrying this person: I think she sounds like a user. No one would consider screwing you over financially like she is an ethical thing to do. She obviously doesn’t have amnesia. I would encourage you to push back—figuratively speaking. Good luck.
You probably didnt notice when she checked out emotionally, you were probably happy she got off your back and stopped nagging you to spend time with her, to clean, to pull your own weight around the house. She probably didn’t want to raise kids with someone like that and I don’t blame her.
What does your gut feeling tell you todo ? I wouldn’t give up as it shows her you love her and if she says the same thing then let her go and I’m sure she will realize what she is losing,
I’m so sorry this hurts my heart too , I wish you luck and keep up updated,
I’m so sorry. That sounds horrible. Did you try to talk to her? Has she expressed any signs that she fell out of love or something wasn’t right?
Get a lawyer asap. If you’ve been together 6 years and live together, you may have rights as a common law spouse.