My husband and I have been together for 24 years and married for 16. He’s a very hard worker and a great father, but most of the time I feel like he just doesn’t care about me. I know marriages go through different stages and we have basically grown up together but I’m getting so worn down by this. When I try to talk to him about things, most of the time he just says that whatever the issue is that I’m bringing up isn’t true and acts like my feelings don’t matter.
The latest example is that he was away with friends this week for 5 days on vacation in Vegas. I wasn’t able to go because of work and not having enough vacation days and I was fine staying home and letting him go. He sent me one text when the plane landed (because I sent him a text asking him to while he was on the plane). All that text said was “landed”. Then one other text 3 days later to tell me he bought me a shirt instead of a mug from one of our favorite tiki bars (because I knew they were going and asked him to buy me a mug before her left). That’s it. I didn’t hear from him the rest of the trip. Never once asked how I was or how our child was. Never just checked in to let me know he was ok.
This is just one of the many times that he’s just done whatever he wants and let me deal with everything else. He just makes me feel like I am not at all a priority in his life and when I try to talk to him and get upset he’s never willing to even entertain the thought that my feelings are valid.
I haven’t even talked to him about this yet. I’m just so upset and sad right now. I guess I’m just looking for someone else to either validate my feelings or tell me that I’m just overthinking and over reacting because I already know what he’s going to say.
3 comments
Is texting normally frequent?
Your feelings are absolutely valid. I had a similar conversation with my husband recently. I didn’t attack him and just launch a bunch of criticisms, but he also has a habit of just saying “that’s not true” when I tell him I don’t feel like a priority. So I gently took it a step further, and told him that just telling me my feelings are wrong is not the right thing to do, and does not show concern for how I feel. I told him when he continually makes plans with friends but never with me, I feel rejected. And I told him the fact that I keep talking to him about this and it keeps happening makes me feel invisible in my own house. I do a lot for him and am always there for him, and I don’t feel valued.
My husband was taking me for granted, he just saw me as always there, old reliable. We’re married so the deal is done, and the effort can go back to elsewhere. Unfortunately it got as bad as my telling him I was seriously re-thinking the relationship for him to really listen. I told him I refused to keep chasing him like some lovesick teenager, and I would rather be alone and have freedom than keep trying to force my company onto someone who doesn’t seem to ever want it. I explained quality time to him, and how rejected I feel when he won’t so much as go on a brief walk with me.
To be fair, he was quite appalled that it got that far with him being so dense and dismissive. He has started to make some improvements, but it’s too soon to tell. I have gone into a shell now, and no longer have it in me to be the only one trying. It will take some effort on his part before I feel secure enough to ask for his time again. My best wishes to you. You are worth more effort.
I’m older than he is and I wish I could coach him because he’s screwing up badly without even knowing it. A “great father” wouldn’t be like this at all.