Growing up I was always loud, bubbly and very sociable. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut for 5 seconds😂 but then I went to secondary school and I was in an all-girls school who were all super snobby and judgemental. (I didn’t want to go there but I was forced to by my grandmother). The entire year group would bully me for my loud personality and if I ever tried to talk they would always make fun of me or just straight up tell me to shut up.
My mother was very ill battling cervical cancer at the time and died while I was at that first school. I fell into a deep state of depression before my mum died as I was being bullied at school and then it got even worse when she died.
I moved schools, and people bullied me there too, constantly giving me racial abuse. I ended up bunking schools most days, eventually did my exams and left and never looked back.
Over the years, I tried to find my “type of friends” but everyone I was introduced to always judged me and most of them were super racist. I only had 1 close friend who I been friends with for years but I cut her off as she was making indirect unwanted advances towards me even tho she knows i’m straight
I went on to befriend this one boy about 3 years ago. We text each other every day then eventually we starting calling. The first call I was so anxious but soon enough it got easier and we played video games and spoke on the phone every day.
When I saw him in person, I would get too anxious to say anything. I would just text him when I got home. He must have thought I was so weird. Summer 2020 and he finally said we should meet up in person. It was so awkward because all his friends were there and I barely said a word.
I asked him to meet me on his own but for some reason he wouldn’t. I explained I felt too awkward with everyone else there and would rather meet him alone. He didn’t say anything but one day he said sure but I waited and waited and he never turned up.
Eventually we had a big falling out. One of his friends would always make conversation with me (I don’t like to initiate convos, I’d rather the other person do it). And my friend got really pissed off about it ?? I’m not sure if he liked me he never directly said but we did flirt sometimes in messages… we haven’t spoke for nearly a year now and I miss him so much.
Now I’m 21 and I am physically unable to make conversation with anyone out of anxiety and fear that I will get shut down and made fun of. I struggle so hard to make conversation and I can only do so when I’m drunk which is not a habit I want to get into again…
1 comment
Sounds like that dude actually liked you