i am 20f and he is 21m, we’ve been dating for about 3-4 months. during the beginning of the relationship it was understood its meant to be longterm and we also talked about future plans. we both want to have kids and marriage in the future.
emotionally we are pretty happy together. we are really compatible and both are super understanding to each other, and we both met each others families. i am pretty close to his family now and i am friends with all of his cousins. my parents approve of him and think hes nice. hes a super good bf for me emotionally. but i still have some things that worries me.
while im young i want to save up money, work on my career, and ive been itching to make enough to move out and support myself so i dont have to bother my parents. im not in college anymore and dont plan to go back (dropped out), but ive been moving up in a career on food service and recently got a new job higher in position and pay at a nice place and i think i will be able to move out with it. also, i graduated from art highschool when i was a teen and i constantly work on my art skills/career on the side.
my bf is not currently working right now, and hasnt been working for a while. he used to be in college for business and had a co-op internship at a bank, but left that program and internship to finish a one year degree in video game design in another school. after he graduated he just spends time at home not doing much. we spend time together playing video games when im not working. there was one time his mom got him a job as a barback at a fancy restaurant but he quit after 2 days because he thought it was too much work.
ive spoken to him about how he has no job and seems to putting no effort into it, and he tried to reassure me he was looking. he only seems to apply to art career jobs that he doesnt have a good enough portfolio or skills for and has no connections to. he tried to reassure me a few weeks ago he was setting up a fiver account for commissions but i have no idea what happened to that. one time when i was asking him about everything he got all sad that i ‘didnt think he had ambition’. last week when i was stressed about my new job’s interview (before i got it) i was asking him again. he said he was looking for internships and if he didnt get one then he would try to find a job at the mall. today i asked again and he told me he ‘made a list of companies on google docs’ that he will email later about an internship.
its honestly starting to annoy me when i think about it. i dont want to be materialistic, but i appreciate when my partner can take care of me financially, get me nice gifts and pay for dates at least sometimes (without parents money 😐). also, future stuff is expensive and careers are built over time.
the reasons why im hesitant to leave over this is that maybe its just taking him time to build himself up. i want to give him the benefit of the doubt and maybe i’d be able to wait for him. maybe i just need to be patient. second, emotionally he is seriously amazing. i have severe anxiety and depression and hes really understanding about everything. we also have a lot in common and never run out of things to talk about. i just dont wanna leave and realize i can never find someone like him again. third, my parents already like him. i dont know if they will continue to like him about i talk to them about what im annoyed about with him, but for now they like his personality and think hes great. i love my parents and i value their opinion on my partner a lot. also, his parents and family like me as well and i would really not want to disappoint them.
i just dont know if i should keep talking to him about this and see what happens, or just give up while i havent spent a lot of time with him. or am i just being materialistic and worrying about money and the future too much?
tldr; my bf doesnt have a job or money and i want him to care more about this. or maybe i’m just worrying too much about it since we’re young.
2 comments
> i am 20f and he is 21m, we’ve been dating for about 3-4 months. during the beginning of the relationship it was understood its meant to be longterm and we also talked about future plans. we both want to have kids and marriage in the future.
Re-read what you wrote. 4 months in and you already know about marriage and kids? At age 20…?
I’m not saying it can’t happen… but I do think you should probably temper your expectations. Some men (and women too) just take way too long to grow up. You might find out the longer that you wait for him to change, the more your resentment for him grows.
I’m not doing the whole “just dump his ass girl” thing that reddit loves to do, but I would urge you to take some time and think about what you really want. Maybe slow yourself down a bit. Being 20 and 21, and talking about marriage and kids is not realistic. You are both going to change so much in the next few years. Sometimes people just grow apart, and it sucks. But you need to be true to your needs, your goals, your choices about what you want in life and a partner.
I’m not saying it won’t work out… but I’m saying be realistic about the situation and be true to yourself.
Maby he wants to be a stay at home dad. If not..who is going to take care of your future children?