How did finding out that her ex was a total bum change your perception of her?

17 comments

1. Depends how often she talks about her ex.

   It does say she has bad decision making skills.

2. You can get fired and lose all your money. Humble yourself.

3. I don’t see how this is even a point of analysing. She fell for someone and he turned out to be a bum, what does it matter? Sometimes, it’s not just materialistic and well thought out.

   Give her the benefit of doubt.

4. Ive noticed that sometimes ppl date who they think they deserve and that’s not necessarily someone on their level. One of my best friends had low self esteem growing up and the guys she dated were terrible. She got therapy and has higher self esteem now so naturally the guys she dates are a lot better now.

5. can i chime in as the guy who’s the bum? 😀

   i’m 42 and i work like 15 hours a week, and even that’s more than i’d like. i totally leech off my wife’s wealth and her rich family, haha

   though to be fair, i do my share of the housework and i treat her the way she deserves to be treated: very well.

   she’s never been into ambitious dudes.

   not everyone is into people with ambition, i guess.

   she says that if we ever got divorced, she’d probably just be a spinster the rest of her life so she wouldn’t have to deal with another person’s work stress or life/work balance.

6. >I would take it that either she is reaching too high to date me, or she stoop too low to date the bum.

   There aren’t some special levels that people need to stay within for dating, I wouldn’t really care. But I do believe we can glimpse into how risky people are and what they deem acceptable, based on their previous decision making. If she tells me she engaged in high risk behavior with a partner before me, that’s more of a flag than me thinking I’m better than her (or him).

7. Perhaps that “bum” offeren different stuff that was attractive to her. Not everything can be bought though. And sometimes people get surprised by their former partners.

   I was mentally abused, ofcourse I didn’t walked in that relationship with the idea; “oeh this is going to be fun.” She just creeped that behaviour in, and I was naive.

8. Ever heard the phrase, put your best foot forward? When relationshiping, people put their best self forward. That’s how you attract someone. It’s only when you are committed in some way and get into the mundane patterns of life do the true personalities start coming out. Especially when you are living together. There’s definitely something to be said for not having a kid with someone until you really know them. But I’m pretty sure most people can speak to how “he/she changed.” No. There wasn’t change. Their real self just finally came out. I thought my brother’s first wife was the complete package. Smart, funny, great career, good looking (no I did not have a thing for my sil) and then he tells me all the weird shit that was coming out not long after they were married. Yeah….she was riding a bi-polar high when they first got together. After marriage the lows started coming out.

9. I think you may have a point, but I’d also view it in context of number/frequency. By that I mean that many people will date a bum at some point in their life. However I then take that with the old saying “fool me once, shame on you – fool me twice, shame on me”, meaning I’m convinced it can happen to anyone that you see someone different than who/what they really are, but you gotta learn from it. If she dated a bum once, that’s not an issue to me. Ifshe did it repeatedly, now that’s something to look at imo. Because at some point you gotta see the signs if you’ve already been there in the past.

   Another aspect to consider imo is, how long has she been with that bum (while knowing he is one ofc). For example, one would stay with an a-hole after realising they are one, for let’s say a month or maybe two, because people go through stressful/difficult phases sometimes and behave differently. But that has to stop after some time (hence a month or two), otherwise you gotta assume that’s (new?) normal behaviour for them and if that behaviour is not ok for you, you gotta end things. So if she wass with someone, then realised he’s (become) an a-hole, then ended things a month after noticing, I would not mind that. However, if she stayed in a toxic relationship for a year, I’d be alarmed, to say the least.

10. You come across like a bum on Reddit so I’d agree with you. She can do better.

11. People who bring their ex into a relationship and compare them with their new partner need to stop their shit. We are different people hoe, don’t compare me to that loser.

12. I agree with you 100%, women having trashy/bum exes is a major red flag and a personal deal breaker of mine

13. She used to sleep on an inflatable mattress and drive an old Buick too, I suppose. How did finding out about the Buick change your perception of her?

    I would take it that either she is reaching too high to sit on your lap instead of a cloth seat or she stoop too low to drive a old Buick.

14. She told me he both had a skin condition that caused his skin to slough off, even on his dick but wouldn’t wash himself properly and regularly despite the fact that he had medicated soap, etc. that would help control it.

    When she said she still had sex with him when he was like that I gagged. Took about a week before I could feel comfortable thinking about her sexually without thinking of chunks of dick skin being left behind inside her mouth and pussy.

15. I mean, I would feel that would be a disservice as just the fact he was a bum does not and should not reflect who she is as a person, especially now. Like, she could have had different reasons for dating him at the time, or some different circumstances happen, or it was a phase some time ago. People live, learn, and grow from past experiences.

    Also, we all have been bums to some degree at one point and time too. But that’s just the way it is, and best see how we can move on and better ourselves.

    Lastly, the only point I would agree with is if she’s treating you badly or forcing those traumas onto you and your current relationship: now that’s a reflection of her behavior and attitude that you have the right to not put up with, as it would be unfair to you and your relationship. But yea, would base it more on her attitude than on whether the ex was a “bum”.

16. I think every woman I have ever dated were recently with bums. It probably explains why they seemed to appreciate me so much…. And being appreciated is attractive.

17. i had a gf who dated the most bizarre ppl (young kids, old men, bums). then i realized it was bc she knew she’d never truly fall for them so that was her way of having company while also keeping herself safe from heartbreak. and yes, i was also 1 of the guys she’d never really fall for