I (32M) have been living in with my girlfriend (31F) for about three years now.
I feel in my bones that this relationship isn’t working for me. She’s never really processed a lot of the emotional baggage from her past, and now has crippling anxiety as a result. In addition, her parents have a loveless marriage but stay together for her deadbeat sister (2 years older than my girlfriend), who’s an alcoholic and can’t hold down a job. These very real issues combined with the stress of her highly demanding job all result in a partner that basically feels more like a child I’m taking care of than someone I’m actually working through life with. She needs tremendous amounts of support from me just to function and has become deeply dependent on me, and the situation hasn’t even slightly improved over 3 years.
This has resulted in me feeling drained and resentful, as my needs are often ignored in favor of her more pressing ones because she is seemingly always in crisis. It’s also taken a toll on my career, as I’ve had to deprioritize my work often to just help her make it through the day. I also end up doing most of the housework because again, she’s always in crisis. To top it all off, we don’t have sex anymore.
Honestly, all I get from this relationship is companionship. And it comes at great cost, as you can see. On good days however, when she’s not stressed about work or family or whatever else, it’s actually kind of nice. Nothing extraordinary, we just like the same types of tv shows, enjoy talking about politics and like playing StarCraft together.
The thing is, I’m a solid 60-70 lbs overweight, balding and 32 years old. I legitimately feel like if I leave her, I will end up alone forever, and from past experience, I suck at being alone. I have friends who are far more physically attractive than me that are struggling to find someone to date, leave alone get married to. The idea of starting the whole thing over and maybe failing altogether scares the living daylights out of me. I’m also feeling a lot of peer pressure because most of my friends are married already, and a lot of them have cute little babies (including my exes).
That said there’s a part of me that thinks my fears of ending up alone are overblown. This is my third relationship, and all of my girlfriends have been far more physically attractive than I deserve. I attribute this to the fact that I’m generally a confident, well spoken guy with a sense of humor and am decently emotionally intelligent. But I’ve never actually used any of the dating apps, and met all my partners organically, where they had time to get to know me. I’m not sure my confidence or humor will matter in today’s world, which seems to be so much about appearance, and hell, I’d reject myself too if all I had were pictures. So I really can’t get a sense of how real my fears of ending up alone are.
TL;DR: I’m almost definitely with the wrong person but feel like I have no prospects. Should I risk ending up alone to find something better, or just stay put?
28 comments
I had a great life being single until I met the perfect person when I wasn’t really looking at 58.
Regardless of meeting somebody else or not, wouldn’t you rather just… Not deal with all this bullshit anymore? You know this isn’t working.
Yes, you are afraid you won’t find something better so you keep her with you, while resenting her for not having it together. She doesn’t deserve that.
Break up with her and start working on yourself. Start doing something about what you don’t like about yourself. Stop acting like 30 years old is somehow two feet in the grave, there is plenty of living to be done.
Being single is fun. Sometimes I look at this couples that are always together and don’t do anything alone and I feel sorry for them. It’s like the individual person doesn’t exist anymore. There’s so much you can do while being alone. Being married is not a goal that everyone should pursue at any cost.
From your text you sound very misarable and sad. Is it worth it? Just imagine that you will die in 1 year. Would you rather stay in this relationshio or try your luck in another place? Yes building a family is something magical and worth to fight for. But only when you are with the right person. When you are happy in the present and you know you will stay in the future. If you feel sad, than that’s just a waste of time. And your life is passing.
Yes, because the wrong person doesn’t allow you to grow as a person.
Yes. From experience, yes. When you know it’s not right, just end it, for both your sakes.
It is much better to be alone than to waste time with someone because you are scared. You can take all the time you’ve put into the relationship and use it to work on yourself and becoming a person you are excited about. This is the best reason to be single, and learning how to spend time with yourself is always worthwhile.
I’m a bit younger than you and have been single for the majority of my adult life. I don’t regret it.
Sure, having someone to go on dates with and share my hobbies with sounds wonderful! All the other parts of a relationship, too. (Or most.) But I’m also happy being single and 100% will not be in a relationship unless it’s with the right person.
I get to have my space how I want it, set my own schedule, buy the food I want, eat what I want, go where I want. I can hang out with friends when I want company, but I’m also really content going and doing something by myself! I’ll go to a coffee shop and read for a couple of hours, then go shopping and pick up groceries, go for a walk at a nice park, go home and play Animal Crossing or watch a show.
As you can probably guess, I’m an introvert, but I also have a very person-forward job (I’m a HS teacher) so I get more than my fill of people time. If you’re an extrovert, you would just need to prioritize more time with friends.
I would love a family one day, but that’s not something I can control because I am **not** having kids with the wrong person. Instead, I’m working towards being financially and emotionally stable enough that I can foster a few years down the line.
Life is good. I’m happy.
End it. Invest the time you currently spend in supporting her into yourself instead. Find a form of exercise you enjoy. Make nutritious meals. Embrace the bald and shave it off and own it. Watch TV alone, in a peaceful home. Throw yourself into work for a year and get a raise.
Instead of thinking it’s all over, think about all you have to gain in the next five years if you cut off the dead weight and prioritize yourself for once.
Dump your girlfriend. Start eating healthy and lifting weights. In 12 – 18 months you’ll look good. Shave your head, buy some nice clothes, and you’ll have no problems finding a good girlfriend, getting married, and having kids. You can do it. It’s hard, but not that hard. Better than being miserable all your life. 32 is still young and 60-70 pounds isn’t too much to lose. At just 1 pound a week, it will take a bit over a year. Very doable.
Go on youtube and watch some transformation videos. Guys way more overweight than you have lost the weight.
It can absolutely be worse to be with the wrong person than to be alone. This relationship is stressing you out and making you resentful. You see your girlfriend as a burden, and I’m sure that she is aware of that.
You say you’re feeling pressure to get married, have kids. Do you want to marry her? Do you want to go through wedding planning with her, have a child with her, do your income taxes with her? Imagine what a permanent future with her would look like. Where would you be in 5, 10 years?
If you break up with her, you’ll be alone for awhile. There’s a chance you’ll eventually find someone else (although it’s never a guarantee, for any of us). Even if you don’t find someone romantically, you’ll have more time for your hobbies and friendships.
If you stay with her, you’re guaranteed to get more resentful and miserable as time goes by. If you do find someone else while you’re with her, someone who lights you up and makes you feel amazing, you’ll be starting that relationship in the worst possible way.
32 isn’t that old. Being overweight doesn’t make you unlovable. This relationship is making you miserable, the best thing to do is to end it and fill your life with things that make you happy.
Take it from me, it’s worth being alone over being with the wrong person!
Four years ago I decided to use a dating site. I was 53 and decided that I would rather be alone than be with Mr. Wrong ever again. I just laid it out there in my profile and figured, “If nobody is interested, so be it.” Then I went browsing the men’s profiles. One fellow was a few years younger than me but his favorite author was also one of mine (Robert Jordan). His favorite book series was also one of mine. He watched the same movies and tv shows I watched (scifi). He was a complete Dr. Who nerd. He checked all the boxes of what I was looking for as far as religion (none) and politics (liberal) go. The fact that he was easily 100 pounds over his optimal weight was not an issue.
I messaged him. A few days later he responded. We started texting. Then calling. Then video chatting. Then I drove the 1.5 hours to his city to meet him (I took a friend with me.) The next weekend he bought me a round trip train ticket to visit him. He bought tickets a couple of times a month for several months and then I took a month off of work and spent it with him. While I was there he just asked me to make it permanent, so I did.
It’s been four years, he’s my best friend. We’re happy.
If you are truly unhappy, I encourage you to be brave and take the chance. My SO was alone for six years and convinced he would never have anyone ever again. He’d been married for 27 years and just thought that he would never have a shot at being part of a couple again. I’m so glad he took the chance and put his profile online!
>I’m generally a confident, well spoken guy with a sense of humor and am decently emotionally intelligent.
You have plenty of prospects and you’ve had three relationships so obviously you can get girls. This train wreck is not your last shot at a relationship.
Shave your head. Bald is better than balding. Then get out there.
Yes it’s way worse because if you’re with the wrong person you can’t find the perfect person. If you’re single you can. You add an extra not fun step of breaking up when you’re with the wrong person
I absolutely loved single life and it took a very special person to give it up (no regrets). I was in the most miserable relationship for 4 years thst absolutely DRAINED me before this. Being single was not just fun it helped me learn about myself and learn to love me too. Don’t be afraid to face the mirror, I really feel like people who can’t be single are afraid to know themselves. There’s a beautiful person in there, say hello to him
Would you rather feel drained and resentful, or content and relieved?
Yes, at least when you’re alone you have an opportunity to find the right person
My dude, what will happen if you lose your job? You don’t think she’ll spiral if she finds herself the breadwinner? What about when you burn out and develop mental disorders of your own?
Not to mention the vast majority of fat people I know are married. Even the bald ones! If you’re always aiming for supermodels yeah there’s your problem but most people are overweight, its not a big deal.
Stay or leave. Only one of those options has a chance of a happy ending and I think you know which one it is.
Oh man, this is so hard. Being with someone who is ALWAYS in a crisis sucks. I want to say work on it if you think you can get to a place where both of your needs are both met. The grass is greener where you water it, and all that. But if you truly know this isn’t the person for you, jump ship. You’ll get in better shape when you’re working through that broken heart of yours unfortunately. I think too often, the fear of being alone keeps us in relationships we know aren’t fulfilling. And yes, while you might be lonely for a while, ultimately you will have the hope of meeting someone that can meet your needs, which is more than you’ve got now. I hope you are able to make the best decision for you, even if it’s a hard one.
And I would agree with the other person that said lose the hair entirely. Bald> Balding. Good luck, friend.
Depends how bad you think it is to be single.
Personally I enjoy being single, someone would have to really impress me to convince me to give it up.
Being single isn’t being “alone”, you know. You hopefully have other people in your life as well as your romantic partner.
You say you have friends. Your relationship is causing you stress and disrupting your career. Don’t you think you’d have a nicer life without that stress?
It’s way too soon to be thinking about another relationship. Instead think about how nice you can make your life.
Many, many great women don’t mind balding or overweight at all. More so at 30+ years old, when most sane people realise that a body won’t stay perfect forever. And you can at least easily work on the 60-70 lbs overweight at any time. You are 32, which is maybe 1/3 of your life-span and you already want to settle in a loveless relationship? Unfair to both of you.
Okai, your feelings are valid. However, you are very young still at 32, which makes me curious as to where do you live, as you say most friends are already married with babies.
Secondly, the friends complaining about not finding someone to date are employed, do they have major red flags around them? It could be them. I understand they’re also male.
You are you and you have your own life, your own luck, your own path. But being with someone you feel nothing or little towards is a tremendous waste of your time, as well as hers.
Never settle for less
Yes. Being content and happy by yourself is sort of a hallmark of being ready to be in a relationship. That might sound counterintuitive but it’s not.
Eh, no point in staying in a stressful relationship for the occasional crumb of comfort, and at the fear of dying alone. You can always lose the weight and get fit; there are plenty of women who don’t mind or even like baldness (just lean into it – get rid of the hair), and it sounds like you have an affable enough personality to get with another person.
Yes. Being alone or feeling lonely is better than dealing with the same shit just because you’re scared of starting over again. Once you’re out of that relationship, trust me, you’ll realize that peace of mind is better than being in a miserable relationship.