We are currently 9 months into our relationship.
My long distance gf’s bf died last year, and she is still grieving for him. The thing is she doesn’t really want to move on, she probably still sees their chats, pictures, etc. This concerns me alot because she never really shares her feelings with me, and sometimes lies to me when I ask her if she is okay.
Today we were talking about periods, and she said girls should not eat sour food as it increases their pain during periods, so I said you shouldn’t eat this much pickles when you know its gonna harm you, etc, etc, and then she said, ” I want to give soo much pain to my body that my soul leaves it”. I instantly knew why she was saying it, and I know she was not joking.
This really makes me worried as she says she wants to be like this forever. I want to get her out of this zone, make her move on, but Have not able to do it in these 9 months. Well is there anything, anything which I can do in this situation so she really gets better?
ps. she is not like this everytime, but when she is, it really concerns me as in long distance I cannot do much.
tl;dr My \[m20\] long distance gf \[f19\] haven’t moved on from her late bf yet, and doesn’t even want to. Is there anything which I can do, I cannot see her like this, it really makes me worried for her.
10 comments
Bro she’s not over her ex at all – I think I can speak for most people when I say a couple of months before moving just isn’t enough time for most people to cope with the loss of a partner. For your own sake I’d get out of it
How many times have you met in person in those 9 months?
Sounds to me like you are just an emotional sponge for her and your “relationship” isn’t based on anything serious.
Funny how this came up just now. I was reflecting how absolutely impotent I am to actually incur change in the various people who write in here. As a much older gentleman I can readily see and understand what is discussed…and yes…..I can offer sound advice and solutions. What I can’t do is get anybody to DO what needs to be done to resolve the situation. Sometimes its a bit like watching cars speed towards each other at a distance, knowing a wreck is coming and unable to stop it. I honestly believe that the OP is in a similar situation.
There is no knowing why the OP’s GF hasn’t moved on…or even what she was doing with this other guy for starters. The heavy lifting will be on the part of the female with the OP providing support if he cares to. Thats really the Key: how patient and tolerant is the OP to make her problem HIS problem while he waits for her to get off the dime. This may actually be one of those times when its simply worthwhile to lay your cards on the table then pass her the rest of the deck. A well chosen sit-down, revealing how he feels and a desire to see this through with her might be a good start. However, its going to take some pretty big b***s to be able to hear her say that she’s stuck and know that nothing can be done to move things one way or the other.
Its up to the OP to choose how long to live with the status quo. FWIW.
Cut your losses. This isn’t going to get better. Long distance relationships rarely ever work anyway.
It sounds like she has mental health issues. Normal people do not get this hung up on their EX passing an entire year after they died.
The fact that she “doesn’t want to feel better” is just absolutely bizarre and there’s nothing you can really do to help her at this point.
I would only continue with the relationship if she agrees to see a therapist about her issues. Its one thing to be there as she copes with her illness but a whole other thing if she’s unwilling to seek professional help for it.
Also, you are still young, I hope you do not think that this is your only opportunity to be in love. Do what’s best for YOU.
I think she still needs time to heal if she’s not talking about her emotions. A loss of a loved one is traumatic and can take a very long time to heal. More than a year defiently. You should communicate with her how your feeling but do not shame her for not being over her ex. Have empathy. Put yourself in her shoes
if it’s a long distance relationship u can’t do anything, it’s not a simple issue to move on from the pain of a loss like this
if she hasn’t moved on from her ex bf, she’s in no position to be dating anyone else until she gets her feelings in check and actually moves on. until then, the second her ex tries to come back into her life, you *will* be dropped without a second thought.
I do not see this getting better for you.
When I was 19 (35 now) I dated a girl that had a boy friend commit suicide. She was absolutely infatuated with him and it drove her to near forever sleep as well. I dated her almost 2 years after it happened. She never got over it… she always compared me to him.
As I got older and reminisce on it, it reminded me of quote from that Guy Ritchie movie, Rock’N’Rolla. “You see, Johnny the crackhead knows that a rocker is worth more dead than alive, silly world, isn’t it?”
He left her as an idol in her eyes… now all he is is a memory that needs to be coddled and never forgotten…. nothing will ever compare because he isn’t around to fuck up the image she has in her head of him.
I implore you, I beg you, to point her to the direction of a psychologist and leave her be to heal….. It is 100% not worth staying around for. Also she’s 19 years old and apparently has no communication skills. If your partner of 9 months wont open up to you….. I dont know what else to tell you, bud.