We’ve been together for 1.5 years. I’ve always thought that he’s a great boyfriend. He has done many good things to me and always prioritizes me. I never doubted his feelings.
We fight a lot. I would get upset if he does something so careless (like forgetting to lock the door, etc.). At first, he was so understanding and would apologize to me. But now, I noticed that he started getting irritated every time I point out something he did wrong (sometimes he’s too impatient and would get mad at strangers for little things), I always tell him that that behavior is not right and he should always calm down. Well, I think I’m also partly at fault because I always correct him but I just can’t help it.
These past few weeks, he started randomly raising his voice at me when he’s stressed or panicking, he never yells, but hearing him raise his voice at me worries me. I’m sensitive when it comes to yelling or raising voices because of the environment I grew up in (my father was abusive to my mom). Aside from that, one time, when we were in the car and arguing, he drove realllyyy fast to show me he’s angry and it’s really scared me. I think it’s too dangerous. He already apologized for it but I’m worried he might repeat it.
Overall, I think he’s a great partner. However, I’m really worried that it would get worse. We’re not in good terms right now because of these. He’s currently messaging me saying he’s sorry and that he realized that these past few days, he isn’t acting right and being disrespectful to me. Should I break up with him?
TLDR: My boyfriend is a kind person and would make a great partner. However, he has anger issues that significantly affect how I view the relationship.
9 comments
Would a man with anger issues be worthy to be the father of your children? If not, explain that to him. If he gets angry, he’s proving your point.
>when we were in the car and arguing, he drove realllyyy fast to show me he’s angry and it’s really scared me. I think it’s too dangerous.
You’re correct. And, this angry behaviour of his has been escalating.
He’s not for you. Time to leave imo.
he’s escalating. and the stunt he pulled while driving is outright abusive. his behavior will continue getting worse and it will end up with him hitting you or worse.
you know what abusive relationships look like- you grew up watching your parents. this is how they start.
don’t let it. you deserve better than this. show yourself the love you deserve and the the hell out of this relationship. it’s DANGEROUS. HE is DANGEROUS.
Leave now. I stayed too long (15 years) and it resulted in my five year old being injured by his father. The anger will escalate.
I think you can try to address this with him before moving to break it off. But — and please read this twice — if he makes any move to harm you, cut you off from your family and friends, or control your freedom, do not hesitate to leave. And the fast driving really worries me.
So, I think you should tell him very clearly that this pattern of behavior is not something you want to be around — his anger, road rage, etc, are not OK, and you do not want to be with someone who exhibits these behaviors. Tell him you’re glad to hear that he has realized there are problems with the way he’s acted, but apologies after the fact are not enough, and he needs to take this seriously. There are mature and reasonable ways to deal with conflict, mistakes, and whatever else… and he needs to learn them.
The next thing I recommend you do is have a conversation with yourself about this. What line are you unwilling to have him cross? What amount of time are you willing to deal with this until you will accept that enough is enough, he’s not changing, and it’s time to prioritize your wellbeing and safety? Make some decisions and **write them down.**
Ultimately, he will either take this seriously or he won’t. And that’s not up to you — he has to internally decide it is important to him; no amount of pressure from you will force change. So, I think it’s really critical that you make those promises with yourself and stick to them if he fails to change.
Wish you the best.
What kind of things do you “correct” him on?
His actions are not acceptable, and his actions are his responsibility. However, you’ve given us very little detail on what these things are. And you’ve said you “can’t help it”, but you can help it. You don’t *have* to say something in every case. You’re also responsible for your actions.
If you have children with him, he wil probably get angry at them too.
Please remember that people put their very best face forward early in a relationship. You are now beginning to see the red flags and that they are anger issues. Please understand that where your relationship is right now is as good as it’s going to get. These are the kind of red flags that should make you walk away from a relationship because things are escalating. This is why I always advise that people walk into relationships very slowly. You don’t make a best friend overnight. We tend to rush into relationships because we have those rose-colored glasses on and hormones are raging and attraction is there. Most people wake up six or eight months later not really recognizing the person they first met. Going forward take four or five months to get to know someone before making it into an official relationship or even being physically intimate. You need to retain the objectivity in order to see who they really are before you give yourself to someone.
You should break up with him. Someone else said it too, but this us clearly escalating. And it’s very common for abusers to wait until their partner has been with them for a while to show their true self. He thinks he’s got you hooked, so now he can treat you as poorly as he pleases. Stay safe, if you don’t leave it could and likely will get much much worse