so me (20) and my bf (22) have been together for 9 months and last week i saw he had dating apps downloaded on his phone when he was showing me something on it and when i confronted him about it he said no i dont. i said “i have to ask you about something and dont lie to me… why do you have tinder on your phone?” and he looked me dead in the eye and said “no its not” so i went through his phone and he deleted it but i saw it earlier because i went through his phone when he left it unattended i dont know if that was wrong of me to do but i did anyway. i made him log into his account and saw he had been matching with other girls but not messaging them but it still hurt me. i asked him why and he said i havent been showing him attention and we hadnt had much sex and he usually have a lot but the past weeks was probably like 2 times. he said because he just wanted some validation and it was nice seeing that other girls were matching with him and it boosted his confidence. i always tell him i love him and that hes beautiful and that hes the best man i could have ever got but he still needed to get validation from elsewhere. he also has an issue with me talking to male coworkers and working with them and makes comments in a joke way about me and them texting outside of work. i packed all my stuff and left but he followed me out saying im sorry i love you all of that stuff and i cried a lot and he cried a lot but eventually we had a conversation and talked it out at the train station. everything was fine and he deleted the app but i havent see a change in his behaviour. he booked winter wonderland for us and bought me a Vivienne Westwood necklace (returned because its made out of brass) but im still upset because he didnt fix a short term solution such as flowers or chocolate or even just a small date. he knows i am not one for grand gestures and expensive things and to me its the small things that matter. i dont really know what to do because i told him and hes just said “well im just not good enough anf thats what youre basically saying” when ive never said that or purposely made him feel like that. i need some advice on what to do moving forward. thanks for reading 🙂

13 comments

  2. I would break up if my girlfriend was using dating apps but every relationship is different. It depends on your trust for him

  4. You mentioned somewhere you love him and so you’ll probably stay even though you shouldn’t. If you had a shred of self respect, you would block this person everywhere possible and go find someone who truly respects=loves you.

    So, this is the universe testing you, do you respect yourself? I can’t make that call for you.

  5. I am long distance (1,700 miles) with my boyfriend because I’m in law school. We aren’t having sex. He’s hardly getting any attention because I am busy and am lucky if I can get a call with him a couple times a week. This man would never in a million years even THINK about downloading Tinder and swiping right on women for “validation.” At worst, he would ask to talk to me more because he misses me and we would probably set up a movie/game night.

    Honey, you deserve better.

  6. Sounds like your making all kinds of excuses for him and devaluing yourself…don’t get caught up in it. I did that for so long.a little background hx..he moved in with me in 2011, later found out his mom threw him out d/t emotional issue..2014 the MoM died.I retired in 2015. I started to see things just weren’t the truth.. 2017 He began isolating himself in the 2nd BR. I got my hands on his phone. PORN!!!, Dating sites. Yet he did what he did best deny, deny,deny. When I pressed the matter he would gaslight and manipulate. I now know that he was never the person I thought. I tried to get back with him even though I felt uncomfortable..now Meth and cocaine have entered the pic. He’s pushing 60 and out scavenging whatever 20-30 year old down on the luck methed up F. I became tired of his …”.They wanted it to be more”. Don’t go down the rabbit hole. And end up emotionally and financially be broken. Best wishes.

  7. Time to go. My now ex-husband was doing this 6 months into our marriage, and I stayed longer than I should have. It’s better to get out asap.

  9. I had almost the exact same situation with the first guy I dated after my divorce, and it SUCKS. I was SUPER invested in him – year and a half in – and it was hard to accept that he would do that. But “I needed attention” is NOT an acceptable excuse (same excuse I got, btw). The lack of any change in behavior means that this WILL happen again; he’ll just get better at hiding it. The fact that he denied that it was on his phone when you SAW it is also a bad sign, along with the deflection (“well, I’m just not good enough”) rather than talking through solutions is alarming. You’re looking at a very toxic, painful future if you stay with him… 😕

  10. The disrespect! He’s only swiping now, next will be messaging, then meeting up behind your back, etc. Thank you, next!

  11. You lost me when he gave you the Clinton excuse. Do yourself a solid and don’t waste another second tryin to teach this man child how to act. Jesus F’king Flowers people. That’s about like finding a receipt from a strip club in Vegas clearly charging for a
    Lap dance and him trying to lie his way out of it. I care about the dishonesty. I’ll go to the club with you if you want (younger me)

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