I am 37f and have been online chatting with 35m, since last Tuesday. We have been chatting daily since that day and so far it’s quite pleasant. He wants the same thing as me such as marriage, family etc. He is a construction worker and I am at the moment unemployed but am hoping to get into a training programme. I have told him as much. Now it was the same day we started chatting I guess, that he asked me if I was interested in meeting up on Saturday. So, I replied sure why not but could I reconfirm to you on Thursday. Unfortunately, the next day and the day after I fell sick and my temperature kept fluctuating. Anyway, I still managed to chat but didn’t say I was unwell except on Wednesday and told him I cannot chat as I feel miserable. He took it fine and said to take care. On thursday we continued to exchange messages in the evening but I still wasn’t sure how I was feeling and so didn’t get back to him about the said meeting. He seemed a bit off, but I now realise it was because I didn’t get back to him as promised. Today, he finally asked. “So, I said that I am still feeling weak and unsure if I can meet up this weekend and I acknowledged that I was wrong for not informing beforehand and I am sorry. I also said, that since I am unwell as of today I cannot say when we will meet, and I am sorry but I hope to be able to meet soon. In the event that this doesn’t work for him, and he doesn’t wish to continue he can let me know. I wished him luck as well. ”
To this he replied, “Okay.”
What was wrong about the way I replied to him ? Should I have not replied like that ? I do wish to continue to chat with him though so I am unsure if I was rude. Please, if someone can advice ? Thank you.
13 comments
Probably he has a bit of dating fatigue and “I’ve seen this movie” before. You have the benefit of knowing why you weren’t very explanatory and direct with the meeting plans. If he presented this on these subs, without the obvious insight you have on how you were, as you didn’t really tell him much, I imagine a lot of responses would be “sounds flaky” “she’s probably got you in a queue”. Look you’ve been talking online, for a short while, haven’t met, so neither of you should be invested as you’re still strangers, and I’m guessing he’s seen these things fall down before a date has manifested a few times and had gone into defence/self preservation mode
I’d just wait until you feel better and then shoot him a text, I wouldn’t drag out any conversation until then. He either believes you were sick and gives you the chance since he’s still interested or he won’t. I wouldn’t keep my hopes up though and keep shooting for other conversations with people
From his point of view you’re an online stranger who isn’t too keen to meet, so he’s basically “meh, if you wanna meet then lemme know when you know what you’re doing” don’t think you’ve done anything terribly wrong, but he’s not very aware of your predicament so with online dating being precarious, has probably factored that the slow fade is coming
From his side:
You set up a date but didn’t want to actually commit to it. You wanted to make him wait until Thursday for a confirmation. You then fell silent on Wednesday and didn’t get back to him to confirm on Thursday. You then told him you didn’t feel well and didn’t communicate that very well earlier but that you want to meet but don’t know when.
You put all of that together and the situation reads like you aren’t very interested and are very likely making excuses.
Which, is unfortunate as you cannot help having fallen ill.
However, what you can do for the future:
When you make plans, make plans. Don’t tell someone that you’re interested but want to get back to them to confirm, either commit or don’t. A lot of people experience people that make plans and flake when it comes to online dating and the wishy-washy nature of your answer isn’t going to sit well. It’s fine to say, I’ve got to check on something and can’t commit until tomorrow… but if you’re going to do that you better follow up tomorrow as you said without them having to feel like they have to chase down an answer.
When something comes up in life, like falling ill, or anything else, communicate that shit clearly. It wouldn’t have come across as nearly as flakey if you would have messaged Wednesday and said, “I’m sick. I’m going to curl into my couch and try not to die for the night. I’m not sure if I’ll be feeling well enough for Saturday but will keep you updated.” or “I’m not feeling well and I’m definitely not going to be able to make Saturday work. Can we make plans for xxx day or xxx day?” So that he knows you’re actually trying to meet.
Nothing is wrong with the way either of you replied. What else is he really supposed to say. Also, just as OLD sucks for you it also sucks for him. I’m sure he has dealt with a bunch of BS excuses and it’s more about the total experience than you in particular.
I probably would have attempted to make plans for the following weekend…it almost sounds like you wishing him well was you kind of saying you were no longer interested? I am sure he was understanding of you not feeling well & even with the possibility of plans may or may not panning out, but I personally would have continued the conversation & made tentative plans when you were feeling better. It might have confused him, which ‘okay’ sounds like a reasonable response.
I def would’ve communicated that you were sick in a more clear way and what your thought process was early on. You might ideally want someone to trust you from the get-go, but there are so many time-wasters and fibbers out there that honestly, it makes sense that people are wary when you’re not clear about meeting up.
>In the event that this doesn’t work for him, and he doesn’t wish to continue he can let me know.
I would recommend not saying things like this to people you’re dating. To me it comes across as almost… guilting the person by being too apologetic in tone? because it’s just… obvious. You never need to tell someone “you can let me know if you don’t want to date me.” One way or another, they will let you know – they don’t need you to vocalize that option.
IMO if you have his info just let this conversation chill and text him back once you’re actually well and can meet up without having to text for days and days beforehand.
People aren’t being honest with you. You simply overshot your message. You just needed to remove “In the event that this doesn’t work for him, and he doesn’t wish to continue he can let me know. I wished him luck as well.”
It showed 1 foot in the door, 1 foot our the door. You don’t need to insert exit strategies for you or him. Just be a bit more cool like “Hey, I’m still not feeling well. We’ll meet right after I recover”
As an addendum to what everyone else is saying, there is one way to counteract the impression you have given off.
You need to ask him out.
Not ‘see if you can work something out’. Not ‘try to set it right’. Not ‘check with him again’.
Ask him out. No vagaries. Set a time, date, and place for you two to go.
Online dating is plagued with people who are just setting up a long queue of suitors and this guy doesn’t want to be yet another dragged-along-till-ghosted option for someone. Asking him out shows that you are actually interested – enough to show initiative and make it happen.
I just don’t get why you shot yourself in the foot by saying way more than you needed to and telling him if he doesn’t feel like dating you anymore you understand and it’s okay. Saying that is out of place to me and creates a disconnect with the person you are talking to and sends all kinds of negative possible vibes : example : hi, I don’t really care if you come or go. Example, I don’t think I’m that big a deal so sorry I’m sick and if it upsets you just leave . Next time just say way less. Hey sorry I’m still very sick. Once I’m better I look forward to getting together. To which a half decent guy would reply saying , I hope you feel better soon and talk to you then and bonus points: please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Worry less, protect and nurture yourself more and let him wait it out. You show him how to treat you in moments like this.
he doesn’t believe you’re sick. he brlieves these are lies you are telling them because these are lies he has heard before.
i think cuz you said i’ll reconfirm thursday like it sounds like u were trying to make other plans and then faked sick to hang out with other plans
You sound like you are not interested in meeting him. I usually just say that I am sick for now. When I get better then I’ll message him. If he is still interested in meeting you, he’ll plan it