I (25F) had a breakup from my previous longterm partner earlier this year and following has been a very positive and transformative period in my life. I’m happily single and am not in a rush to get into a serious relationship but notice that I’ve been attracting emotionally unavailable partners and short term intense flings
I recently made a connection that I genuinely wanted a platonic friendship with but he kissed me and I allowed it (and liked it). He seemed to need a lot of emotional support as if we were a couple very early on and I set the boundary that we need to build a foundation of friendship before we can support each other that intensely
This is the best romantic connection I’ve had yet though short lived. I’ve been able to be my authentic self around him and we have very similar interests, goals, and skills that complement each other. We’re very honest/blunt with one another and he’s inspired me to reach my goals. He’s really cute too, I think he’s perfect haha
However I realized that he’s emotionally unavailable (not happy with himself and career and needs to work on himself). Also other shadows that are a mirror of mine: lack of discipline and focus (escaping problems with distractions), talking too much about goals but not backing it up with action and living in through the lense of the past. I really like him regardless of his flaws but respect myself to not continue this connection at this time or do “the mental work” for him. I can’t love someone who doesn’t love themselves. I feel like I’m almost mothering him and I wish I had more capacity to support him emotional. He’s in a low emotional state right now but I am happy with myself and life. I don’t want him think it’s okay to keep seeing each other if he cannot be in a monogamous relationship which is what I want. I feel if we continue this connection it will turn toxic / codependent
I don’t think I can be friends with him right now and told him I need space but I’m pretty sad about it but have to prioritize what I really want in life
TL;DR: Did the right thing and tell an emotionally unavailable connection that I think we need space but would be happy to be friends in the future when I’m confident that I can practice healthy relationship boundaries? I still feel inclined to support him to get out of his mental rut but I think it’s best to leave him alone and trust he’ll do the work and to completely let him go. How do I attract an emotionally available partner?
6 comments
Your profile is blunt about seeking a long term relationship (in those words)?
Then all I can suggest is screen more carefully (probe for being emotionally unavailable) and try not let as many short timers slip through.
That’s not to suggest a quick coffee meetup early on would not be prudent (to check for chemistry, and see if weeks of texting will likely pay off).
Can I ask when was the last time you were alone before your last partner?
Girl it’s all about focusing on yourself first. I was in the exact same situation until I just did what I needed to do and mastered my life first!
This has been my problem my entire life and I’m painfully coming to terms with it. It is so so sad when you get that close to someone and have physical and emotional intimacy and they have no plans to stick around. It really hurts, and there is a way to stop it. Unfortunately it means not getting very close to anyone until you are safe and secure to feel those feelings. It means limiting physical contact, not having sex for a long time or even marriage if that’s what you’re hoping for, and most importantly never playing a man’s life coach/therapist/mom! It is so hard when you do love them and want to be with them to not give them that level of energy. It’s sad. It sucks. But you just can’t do it if you want to keep open to the possibility of meeting the right person who will treat you right and care for you.
Because you know what kind of guys want to have sex with you immediately? Or get drunk with you (not sure if that’s a thing with you but has been an issue with me) and can’t have a date without alcohol? Or dump all their problems on you and not give you love and affection? What kinds of guys are afraid of commitment and marriage? TOTAL LOSERS.
All the cool people want to find a partner to travel the world with, build a life with, support each other through hard times, pump each other up, garden with, make a home with, whatever! Only total losers are going to want to lay around your house and complain about their problems and not take you out on proper dates. They are WASTING YOUR TIME AND EMOTIONAL ENERGY and draining you. You have a lot of love to give and you love deeply so a man must EARN that by asking you out on proper dates, doing things just to make you smile, keeping things uplifting and positive and wholesome for as long as possible.
That’s what mature, healthy adults want AND DO.
And you can attract them by simply saying that’s what YOU WANT. You don’t have to play too aloof. Of course don’t blurt out on the first date that you want to get married or only want to be very serious. But if he asks you to just come over and cook him dinner and listen to him whine about shit say NO I WANT TO GO OUT ON DATES. If he asks you to come over and smoke weed say NO I’M NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING CASUAL RIGHT NOW.
Raise your bar. I recently went through this for the LAST TIME. I fell incredibly hard for someone who just wasn’t in a place to give me what I’m looking for and it caused me so much pain because I am READY to build a life with someone and I wanted it to be him. And you know what? It was my fault. It was my fault for letting him have sex with me so soon, even me wanting to do it and offering to do it. That’s a really intimate experience with someone disturbing your sleep routine, seeing your bed time rituals, seeing you at your most vulnerable. I’ve been so willing to jump into bed with guys because I believed the narrative that that was someone liberating for me but you know what? It just sucks and ends up hurting your feelings.
And it was also my fault for allowing him to use me as a therapist in his time of anxiety and giving him grace and compassion to spend so many hours talking through things with me. So I felt very close to him. And it HURTS to have to walk away and say NO this isn’t right, you’re not treating me right. And he wants to be friends still and then doesn’t reach out anymore and it just KILLS ME because how could I be such a total loser that I spent all this effort and time on this person and he doesn’t even want to talk to me simply because I want A REAL RELATIONSHIP??
You are at a turning point 10 years before me. I am 34 and just doing this for the first time where I had to say no more of this nonsense.
You will find the right people you just have to have the confidence in yourself and view yourself of worthy of love and ready to do it! You just have to project that you are a serious, mature person who deserves to be treated well and respected, and that you have a lot to give but only when it fits in your life, and to do that a person needs to be very intentional and caring with you.
One other thing is I don’t drink at all anymore and just put that in my profile. Tbh it weeds out a lot of total time wasting losers, and now I go on dates with Drs, CEOs, professors, and scientists who want to hold hands in the park and just want to see me smile so they buy me flowers and stuff.
And they WILL start flooding in! Just as soon as you feel ready to let go of this mommy girlfriend dynamic. I’m telling you, take care of your fitness and beauty, pursue all of your interests full speed ahead, be engaged at work, and only talk to people who give you serious, quick to plan dates, respectful energy. Don’t buy it when guys text you all the time! The right guys are too busy to do that, and will text you something very sweet here and there, maybe not even every day. They will want to see you and plan dates.
Get involved in spirituality or philosophy of some sort to help you raise your energy and change your thought patterns. Read about the story of Parvati and Shiva. It helps!
Sorry to ramble. I’m just going through this myself, and have learned a lot, and now guys are driving hours just to see me! I have no devastatingly anxious attachment to any of them and they are all pursuing me! I won’t “commit” without a ring and tbh this is living my BEST LIFE. Go ahead and put on the apps you’re dating seriously or looking for a long term relationship. Don’t chase the handsome brooding alcoholic, or whatever your personal man vice is. Don’t chase anyone! Let the totally jacked dude that should be a model but instead dedicates his life to making the world a better place and some sort of spiritual or other practice chase YOU. That WILL happen. You just have to believe YOU are not one of these losers laying around the house crying about your problems and using other people for sex and physical comfort because you have no other joy in life. You’re a total winner and deserve to be with someone else who is a total winner and therefore enthusiastically wants to feel good, make you feel good, and commit to you so you can get started on your amazing happy life!
Switch to telling yourself you attract healthy, emotionally available people into your life. Focus on yourself, and the right person will come to you. Plus it can be fun enjoying your own company and doing things solo. Who we meet sometimes is a reflection of ourselves. Are there parts of you that feels emotionally unavailable? How can you become a better partner for your future lover? We tend to want and seek a better partner but I think we also forget how we, ourselves, can improve ourselves to become that ideal/healthy/dream partner for somebody else. Also cool username 🙂 been tryna dabble in that.
A healthy long-term partner is gonna be somebody who’s had self realization of what they want, and what they can do, and has at least started doing the work; somebody who’s created a grounded, high quality of life state (not necessarily wealthy though).
To attract these high quality of life men into your life long-term you also need to do the work, and put yourself into circles where these men exist.
These men push themselves to enjoy life through self improving activities. Places like specialty gyms (such as climbing), or yoga studios, or other places that exercise mind, body, will, and skill.
Probably you’ll find most of them engaging in some field of athletics, as being grounded and happy as a man (and probably human) requires some level of embracing your masculinity and doing something with it, and athletics are probably the most widely approached hobbies among men.
Men who commit to their lifestyle will commit to you (if you Garner the right level of quality yourself), so chose a lifestyle and find a man that comits.
To work on yourself think on what your own prejudices, and I use this as a neutral term here, are for what a woman is. Fulfilling your **personal** gender identity is a very powerful piece of psychology for becoming yourself, and I don’t mean the socially influenced kind of gender identity . What do you, in your heart of hearts, think it is to be the pinnacle of a woman? Put yourself towards that as a goal, and think about the same question in a man and you’ll find yourself attracting men closer to that pinnacle that you’re striving for.