sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language.
i (F31) dated a man (M39) for one and a half years before he broke up with me in june 2021. the relationship was by no means a healthy one (he displayed some narcissistic behaviors, according to my therapist), and i was left devastated by the end of it. i did everything i could to get him back, including asking him to let me know when he moved back into town (it was a long-distance relationship) and saying i would wait for him (i know).
i suffered a lot for six months and then decided i was done suffering and it was best to move on. in january, one of his friends asked me out on a date. i accepted because this particular friend is not one of my ex’s closest friends (they don’t even live in the same country), and they do not really keep in touch except for the occasional group chats. i did not have my ex in mind, nor was i thinking of getting revenge or something. everything’s been great ever since that date, and i feel like i can finally be myself again and i trust him deeply.
last week though my ex sent me a letter wanting to reconnect and saying he misses me. he also said he has changed and that he would do anything to get me back and finally make me happy. i was both shocked and confused and it kinda rekindled some of my feelings for him. i got in touch with him to thank him for the letter and in one of our conversations he figured out i am dating his friend. he then accused me of doing it out of spite, to get his attention somehow, and to humiliate him in front of all his friends. he then proceeded to cut ties with four of his closest friends, who were all aware his friend and i are dating but never told him (he says they were all “gossiping” behind his back). now my ex blames me for “destroying” his life and his friendships, saying i’m this manipulative, conniving person and that i planned this revenge all along. he also says the only way he’ll ever forgive me is if i undo the things i’ve done (breaking things off with his friend, for example). he sent me a ten-page long letter saying he’s not sleeping or eating, that i should feel guilty for saying that i would wait for him but didn’t and that all of his good memories of our relationship and the good image he had of me are now gone.
so my question is: is it really all my fault?
TL;DR: my ex came back after a year of breaking up with me and discovered that i’m now dating one of his friends. he then cut ties with four of his closest friends, who were aware of the fact we’re dating, and blames it all on me.
3 comments
Why are you even remotely entertaining *anything* this guy says as the truth?
You already know what he’s about. Why does it matter?
No. None of this is your fault at all.
The friendship between these men was *between these men*. You are not responsible for the choice these adult men made in their own friendships. You’re not their damn preschool teacher who has to make sure everyone feels included. You had no friendship or relationship with your ex. You have zero responsibility to him.
Do you know why no one told him? Cause they are cowards and they knew he was unhinged. They were just covering their own asses because they didn’t trust him and couldn’t face the tiny bit of emotional work of speaking with him about this. Frankly, they probably weren’t as close friends as your ex is now pretending they all were, in order to justify his shitty behavior.
Be glad your ex made it clear his attempt at reconnection was entirely about his own ego, and not actually about valuing or respecting you as a person. Those narcissistic traits are still on full display! Block him everywhere. If these men still have some sort of relationship between themselves to figure out, expect them to do so without involving you (or tolerating/accepting abuse of you), but frankly, I’d bet guys are all probably glad to be done with him.
Ignore your weird ex and his dumb games.
Don’t even read anything he sends you anymore. If he’s going to act like this, block him. Don’t even think about him, and don’t worry about what you are in his mind.