Hello DOT. After 11 OLD dates I finally met someone and clicked out the jump. Sparks, daily communication, a couple amazing dates out, and finally initiated physical contact (just making out/heavy petting). He’s smart, funny, sexy, and we have great convos. Only “ehhhhh” thing I have is he has a kid (I had a bad experience dating someone with a kid and said I wouldn’t do it again but at 36F, pool is smaller so tried). Things are very new, only a few weeks.
Why am I so freaked out though all of a sudden? I’m excited, think about him, can’t wait to see him again but it’s immediately followed by “what if he’s a player? It probably won’t work out, etc.” at 36, I’ve had experienced the gam-mat of why things don’t work out (seriously) and recognize dating has been a little demoralizing at times.
I wanted to sleep with him yesterday but got really “oh shit” and shut it down at first base. Because I got so in my head. I’ve had some casual flings and didn’t have this issue.
I’ve forgotten what it’s like to really like someone so fumbling a bit on the rules of engagement (how often to see one another, what’s too soon to sleep together, etc).
Am needing some advice on how to get out of my head on this.
Thank you!
11 comments
It’s only been a few weeks… and you are already compromising on what you know you are capable of in a relationship… in a huge way! Ex: NOT DATING SOMEONE WITH CHILDREN.
Also, jitters and early fixations on relationships are not conducive to actual chemistry or compatibility.
This sounds like a lot of limerence to me.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/doubtful/202205/why-feeling-butterflies-doesnt-mean-youre-in-love?amp
What’s your non negotiables?
For example, for me, I will cut it off immediately if I know a guy smokes. If yours is a man with kids, then you’ll have to do some internal thinking about the outcome of this relationship
Are you having the same issues with other people you met on OLD, or was this the only guy whom you wanted to sleep with but decided not to?
How many dates have you been on? I tend to find I get less nervous after three or four dates
What is OLD ?
Take it slow if you’re not sure !
If it works it can wait.
Tell him you really like him but need more time.
You need to be in the clear about wanting to sleep with him. Don’t do it on impulse (in this case).
Getting out of your head requires some reflection about why you don’t feel like it’s safe enough to stay in the moment, instead of retreating to the safety of analyzing a situation from a very far vantage point: our sometimes anxious brains.
I stopped pumping the brakes in relationships when I gained confidence in myself, and my decisions and desires. Some self-reflection questions that helped me get past my worried thinking:
What feels new or unfamiliar about this relationship? (Fear of the unknown)
What feels familiar and worthy of dreading? (Fear of repeating a known mistake, or experiencing a pain you’ve felt before)
What’s making it difficult to trust yourself and your ability to get through whatever might happen?
What does being emotionally “safe” look like in the context of relationships?
What do you need from yourself or from him to feel like it’s safe to continue investing in the relationship?
Your concerns about him being a player are why a lot of people require exclusivity before sex. If you haven’t talked about it and he dates other women it’s not completely fair to label him a bad guy. Maybe getting on the same page will make you feel more comfortable.
As for the kid thing remember everyone and every family is different. Be open with him about your concerns and see what he has to say.
I would be vulnerable and tell him what you are feeling. It’s so human and normal and just bypasses the games. Give him some compliments too. Tell him that you have a no kids policy generally but are willing to give it a go with him because “insert all amazing qualities here” but let him know why you have had those concerns in the past and try to articulate it if you can and see how he address it. Taking someone seriously and postponing sex while you evaluate what you feel is good and normal. It’s sad society has made this abnormal it’s so important to have time to see how it plays out.
Probably because he has a kid and you don’t want to date a man with kids so you actually already KNOW that it won’t work. You can’t ignore a whole-ass human child.
This is normal! It’s hard to find someone you’re into, and so when you do, you feel like the stakes are high. This happens to me and all of my friends. (Even those of us, therapists say are “avoidant” rather than anxious.)
Try to just keep it cool (easier said than done), stay busy with your own life, and be in the moment instead of in your head when you’re together. Even if it doesn’t work out, this guy has shown you that there ARE men out there you connect with and can get excited about. That in itself is a gift.