This whole thing might not be appropriate here. I don’t know. But I’m posting because A) I feel the need to talk about it; B) It is a dating experience with a lesson.
Back near the end of June/beginning of July, I posted [the original post](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/veda7d/my_girlfriend_told_me_she_wasis_ready_to_walk/), where the title happened. It didn’t get much attention, which is fine. I’ve been on reddit for a while, I get it’s hit or miss for submissions. But I thought I’d give an update to share my experience after finally getting a real answer from her. I need to give some more detail about what happened in between that original post and the final text she sent me.
After that post, as time went on, I left her alone more and more to give her space. I loved her and I believed what she had told me — that it wasn’t about me or us, but about her quitting her job after 21 years. She never contacted me in any way. She only ever responded to my texts. And always short and cold. Near the end of July she told me, via a text response to my text, that I needed “to walk away” because “it’s not fair to [mostlyBadChoices].” She also said, “I can’t be with anyone right now.”
I was devastated, but a stupid part of me wanted to believe that if I gave her enough time, she’d come around. And why wouldn’t I? I didn’t have any reason to believe this had anything to do with me. I should note that during our time together, I would occasionally ask her, “Is everything OK with us?” because she was very hard to read. She was just always quiet and in my experience, quiet equals a woman upset. And she would *always* tell me everything was fine.
About 3 weeks ago, I asked if she would be willing to have dinner sometime. To my shock, she said yes. I asked if certain days worked for her and she responded “no” with various excuses, and never countering with any other time. I said, “OK, please let me know what day works for you.” She replied, “I will.” Two weeks went by. I caved in and texted her, “Did you change your mind about dinner?” She responded, “I’ve been busy taking care of my kids.” I apologized for being pushy, and left it at that. She never responded after.
This brings us to this past weekend. Feeling like I probably should date again if nothing more than to distract me from this whole thing, I got on Match.com. Guess who I see is on there? Yeah. I texted her, “I see you’re active on Match. Why did you agree to dinner? I think I deserve some closure. I hope you find what you’re looking for.” After 24 hours, which was yesterday, she responded:
> Too many things led me to my decision. I could handle our different personalities, but after being away for a bit, I realized how tense I was all the time. I believed the differences wouldn’t bother me, but I was wrong.
So she had issues with me and just didn’t tell me. I went through absolute hell for months. Now the wound it all fresh and I feel so betrayed and lied to.
**TL;DR** – If you are having issues with the person you’re dating, ***TALK TO THEM ABOUT IT.*** If you actually care about them, they deserve to know.
7 comments
My ex did the same thing. Only thing I know for a fact is that she was scared of talking to me. She let her emotions control her and she did some really stupid things.
Good to know ty
I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years. He was having a hard time, and his response was to just totally stop talking to me and ignoring texts, asking for space, but with no end in sight.
Before that it wasn’t “perfect” of course, but we hadn’t had any conflicts we couldn’t resolve and things were very good.
What I learned from the situation is that my ex was not being totally himself with me, and had to seem good and calm and fine, and absolutely had no intention of seeing him when he was a mess. And it had been two years, so it’s not like he hadn’t had a chance to get to know me, or see me having a hard time.
But cutting me out, ignoring me, and letting me figure out for myself that the relationship was over was so immature, unfair, and needlessly dramatic.
I noticed in your first post you talked about how well you got along and how you never fought. That’s not always a good thing. It could mean that you’re avoiding things that would cause conflict, or that she wasn’t really being herself around you. There are no perfect relationships, and if you think you’re in one you’re missing something.
A good relationship is one that can weather bad days and difficulties and conflict, not one that never has those things.
I can’t stand people who treat relationships like a subscription service you just cancel. It’s a partnership and you work together to solve issues. You don’t just ditch your partner cause you had a bad day at work.
That’s really rough, I’m sorry. Sounds like one of the worst cases of ghosting I’ve seen.
She’s been clear with her actions that you are not a priority for her.
That doesn’t have to be a problem or for it to mean anything negative. It’s just the way things are.
Maybe it will change and maybe not but you certainly shouldn’t be holding out that she’s going to come around and suddenly prioritize you.
Wow, that sucks. I can’t believe that she didn’t have the guts to be honest with you. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I’ve (50w) been seeing someone (57m) for 9 months. It got serious really fast. We are really good together, have met the families, really happy. One thing that I am waiting for is a “fight”, a serious disagreement. Because how we handle it will say a lot about our relationship.
We are going away together soon. That’ll be another test—being together 24/7 for a week!
I wish you all the best. Good luck finding someone who deserves you.