I’ve been seeing this guy for almost three months. We connect on every level, intellectual, emotional, physical, etc. He was super excited about us at first, at one point even asked about if my parents would be ok visiting India. I had to remind him to slow down, which he did. Other than that he’s a really great guy, I thought this could be it.
He moved here, SF Bay Area, from India 6 months ago, and so far he doesn’t like this place. I didn’t think too much about it at first because adapting to a new life is a process. And for him, from a privileged guy to a nobody is a big change. I understand that. I told him I love this place and I don’t want to move to his country or my old country, he didn’t say much about that.
Last night a related topic came up and he complained again how this place sucked. And it struck me. This morning I asked him how long he planned to live here. Because I chose to move here from my old country 5 years ago and I plan to live here for the foreseeable future.
Turns out his plan is to move back to India at the end of 2024. And he didn’t think to communicate his life plan to me because he thought one of us would be willing to change our mind at that point. I asked him if neither of us did, then what? He said he didn’t know, and that I should focus on here and now like I asked him to.
I’m 34 he’s 30. I had a divorce and I’m not in a hurry to have kids so I never want to rush into things. But I don’t want to be in a relationship that has en expiration date.
So, what do you think you would do in my place? Am I thinking too far ahead? Am I being stubborn for not wanting to change my mind?
10 comments
>Just learned that my relationship has an expiration date
>I don’t want to be in a relationship that has en expiration date.
I think that’s your answer.
To expand a bit on the glib response above: I do think he should have been brought this up far earlier. I mean, sure, you could have asked more explicitly earlier, but that’s not on you – when you guys discussed liking/not liking the Bay Area he could have and should have discussed his plans. It’s extremely unfair of him to think “well, one of us will probably change our minds in the next couple of years” – it almost sounds to me like he figured you wouldn’t like his plan, so he decided to play coy and hide his true plan unless you explicitly asked.
I stopped trying to date with the goal of finding a long-term relationship when I made up my mind that I’m moving halfway across the country within the next year or two. It wouldn’t be fair to ask someone to get close to me and then pick up and move 18 hours’ drive away, and it wouldn’t be fair to *me* to let myself get invested in someone who might not want to leave; it would drive me mad trying to decide whether to stay in a place I dislike for a person I like, or move to a place I like and leave behind a person I could see a future with. I’d be open to something casual if it arises organically, but I’m not actively looking, and if something did happen I’d be very very clear from the beginning that there is an expiration date, and it’s not going to be anything more than casual, and if that’s an issue we shouldn’t even go on date 1. If I was any less upfront about that, it would feel dishonest.
If I were in your shoes, I would definitely end it. I live in SF and I will die in this place. Nobody can take me away from the bay. For that reason I don’t like to date people who haven’t been in the city more than a year. I know it seems like a weird requirement but as you know the Bay Area gets so many transient people who just come to build their careers. The bay is also not for everyone and many end up hating it from the start. I like dating people who are as in love with the bay as I am.
To be honest most indians say they’ll go back but they don’t. By 2024 he’ll get settled and accustomed to bay area which is actually a super nice area. They mostly are brainwashed by their family into coming back but they end up staying. Anyway, he should have told you his intentions. Also, be ready for a barage of Cultural differences If u continue seeing him.
I think he is doing the best thing for himself. You should just do what you think is best for yourself. My advice is to cut it off now, he pretty much proved to you that he wouldn’t do the same for you.
I’m in a similar situation. He is saving up money for a down payment for a home and is planning to move out of state. I really like him. I only want him. So I’m just enjoying the now with him while I can.
The issue here is that neither one of you want to live in the place the other does. It’s *possible* that he may change his mind, but if you’d rather be wealthy in India than average in San Fran…well that’s a pretty firm decision if I had my guess.
>So, what do you think you would do in my place?
It’s up to you. If the expectations are that he’s moving back to India in a year or two, do you want to spend those years developing stronger feelings for them? Or cut your losses now and get back in the dating pool? Is your end goal a “til death do us part” LTR, or are you just dating for the here and now enjoyment?
Personally if I really liked the person, and they were determined to move in a couple of years, I’d keep things firmly casual and get back into dating, but leave the door open as friends while they’re still in the same city. Note: not everyone can keep any ex’s as friends, because it requires some mental segregation of “romantic” versus strictly platonic interactions. If you have doubts about any of this, it’s better to move on and not second guess it.
Keep in mind also that they have every motivation to be a little disingenuous about their plans, play “well maybe I’ll stay…” and keep you around to fill the time and/or try to convince you to change your mind later. Not saying that’s what they’ll do, but it happens a lot. I lived in South Korea for a year and a half and a lot of folks there temporarily for work played the “well I love it here, maybe I’ll get another job and stay here for good!” cards in their dating lives, whilst quietly told friends they hated it there and couldn’t wait for their contract to finish so they could move.
I’ve had a few “wealthy” Indian mates pine for their old life back in india, especially with parents begging them back to take on family businesses, and honestly the ones that have moved back the last few years massively regret it. The country is changing rapidly, covid has been a complete shitstorm, and they feel more lost back home than they did here.
I would break up.
The country you live in is one of those major life decisions where there isn’t really a compromise option. Therefore, it’s a very reasonable deal breaker, and I wouldn’t continue to invest emotionally in a relationship that had that looming over it.
Well luckily 3 months isn’t that long
> So, what do you think you would do in my place?
I would enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts. Literally all relationships end at some point, and I don’t see that as a reason not to have them.