My girlfriend and I (both 19), been dating for half a year and started having our first sexual experiences. However, due to the fact that we don’t live together and have limited time with each other and few occasions to do any sexual stuff, I suggested to plan our sexual sessions on which she thinks will take the fun out of it and make it machinal and unspontanious.
To add context we never really planned our sexual activities and it always started with some casual cuddles that escalate pretty fast. I never denied her since for one I love pleasing her and also she’s soo attractive and hot and manages to always turn me on.
However, I sometimes find it frustrating and confusing since I can’t pinpoint what she wants and what should I do (scared to make a wrong move while she just wants a hug and I don’t want her to feel objectified or only wanted for sex). She has also expressed that she likes it when I’m dominant which is hard to manage when you don’t have clear consent. Also we live in a conservative country and do stuff in random places in my car which is another reason to make plans IMO.
Also, she doesn’t have urges and gets horny on the spot while I can say that I get sexual urges about 5 days after an encounter which makes it hard for me to schedual without feeling that I’m forcing her.
My question is whether it’s okay and normal to plan the sexual stuff. And if so how to make plans while maintaining some level of spice and spontaniety in our sex life.
2 comments
Some people do it because it makes having sex easier if you set a specific date. But some don’t like it because it doesn’t feel spontaneous.
It seems to me that you need to start communicating more openly about what you want and how you want it. Also having a talk about what you want to consent on would make things easier.
My husband of 8 years also thinks that planning sex is a huge turn-off. I have to respect it, whether I like it or not. As for spontaneous sex and your consent issuesc: Consent can also be withdrawn. Hubby and I both know what the other is generally okay with, but even within those boundaries set, sometimes one of us doesn’t enjoy a specific thing we normally do, and if that happens we just say “Sorry, but XY doesn’t feel right today/here/in this situation.” It’s no big deal!
I understand that it’s frustrating because you can’t just have sex whenever you both feel like it, but scheduled “sex dates” seem to put her under pressure, and that’s not something you want.