I 37f went on two successful dates w 40m, we are both single parents and I was looking forward to getting to know him better. The other night I asked, what was he cooking for dinner (for his kids), and he replied:
“Lol, no. My friend is watching another friends dog. She is going to bring both dogs over and let them be maniacs with my dog in the backyard. Payment is she is bringing dinner for me and the kids. 😀”
I took this as a red flag bc, I used to have a lot plutonic guy friends but since I moved back to the states, I found that unfortunately, there really are no plutonic friendships. Even though I really wanted to get to know him better, thought he was relationship material, I ended it.
Was I over analyzing? To give some context, I get attached easily and I have trust issues, so, I am overly cautious about who I become involved w, on an emotional level. He’s a single parent too and, he would send me photos of his kids and his life, a family -oriented educated guy is like a unicorn in this brave new world we live in and, his kind of sharing w me about his life, I loved it but it also freaked me out.
Finally, I didn’t end it cleanly. After I said I wasn’t so sure about it anymore I was filled w a lot of regret and remorse, and I only sent that message out of respect bc I didn’t want to ghost him – this was last night. Then today, like an idiot I impulsively decided to become candid and reveal the reason for ending it. I guess a part of me wanted to know, was I wrong about his “friend,” I still wish I could keep on seeing him. This is what I said,
“I’m really sorry but what spooked me was that since I moved to ct I found there’s no such thing as true plutonic male female friendships around here. I could be wrong but it still weirded me out.”
And this is his reply,
“No worries, this is not a great way to kick off a relationship anyway. Seriously, good luck. I’ll keep my search for a partner going.”
“There is no point in not being candid at this point. I just got out of a rnp with someone who suffered from depression and it always lead to over analyzing the situation. This feels like that so it’s really okay. I want you to find what you really want. “
Just sucks, he said, this isn’t a great way to start a relationship and he’s going to continue his search for a partner- I can agree w him about that! I guess, I’m wondering how I could have handled that better? Accept it as a red flag and be a big girl and move on- or- asked him directly about it sooner? I just thought it was too soon, after just two dates, to ask him if he was hung-up on any of his exes or still seeing anyone. In general, I just assume most guys 35-45, especially educated men, have a few fwb or something going on. I haven’t met a guy in that age range who is totally single yet.
TDLR: Not sure how to handle casually dating while looking for a serious relationship.
2 comments
Honestly, I think you overreacted. As a guy with a few platonic women friends, it’s absolutely possible. For all you know she’s married, or he doesn’t even find her attractive. I think you let your insecurities take over. If there was something between them, I doubt he would have even mentioned her.
And the idea that most men 35-45 have a few fwb seems bizarre to me. I’m 36 and don’t have any, but I don’t often talk about that kind of thing with other guys my age, so who knows.
Yes, you’re the red flag and you aren’t ready to date. This has nothing to do with men and women being platonic friends but more of you being insecure and jealous. For all you know, she could be gay, dating someone else or completely uninterested in him romantically.
After he said she was bringing food over, you could have simple said: “oh, that’s nice of her. What is she bringing over?” “Do your kids like her dog?” Etc. You really could have said anything that would have made you better informed about their relationship or dynamic.
You went on 2 dates. Way too early to be this mistrusting or showing insecurities.