Navigating Sobriety/Trauma in Social Situations

Trigger Warning: Discussion of Sexual Assault

Hi! So I (18, NB) have been having a lot of trouble with loneliness lately.

I’ve been reflecting and realized that my friends don’t treat me well and I occupy a caregiver and/or punching bag role for all of them. I’ve tried to change this, but it just isn’t possible because of circumstances outside of my control or their own unwillingness to change.
I was already trying to make new friends and to be friendly, I think that is a good perpetual state, but now I’ve been putting myself out there even more. I’ve gone to clubs at my college, I’m friendly to my coworkers at my internship, I talk to people in my classes, etc. I’ve even gotten a few peoples numbers or hung out and talked with people from class one-on-one. It just all seems to fizzle out.

A major problem I’ve been encountering is that, especially in my city, everybody smokes and drinks. To the level where it seems to be the only social activity for most people, especially my age. Except that I don’t. I have endometriosis and take medication for it, which doesn’t mix well with alcohol, and I was sexually assaulted by my former roommate about 8 months ago. This has caused me to develop PTSD, I experience symptoms of full body numbness, shaking fits, flashbacks, inability to/disturbed sleep, etc. My roommate was high when she did it, I come from an area where it’s much less common to smoke so this was my first exposure to it, and I associate the smell of it with that because I froze and that’s what my brain latched on to to cope with what was happening and not feeling as though I could safely flee or fight back. Im currently in an intensive therapy program in order to process and cope with what happened to me, but the event unlocked memories of CSA I experienced when I was very young and it causes me to be triggered more often for the time being as I spend a large amount of my time trying to address the issue.

As such, it’s caused a lot of difficulty making friends. I’m good at being friendly and outgoing, but have no idea how to overcome this. Nobody my age seems to want to deal with my chronic illness symptoms, people look at you like you have the plague if you’re an 18 yr old who uses a cane. And I don’t think that I’m in a place where I can be friends with people who are going to regularly be high around me. Even if I tried that, and I have, the smell and the way people act to where you can tell that they’re high triggers the symptoms I mentioned before. This either results in me appearing super spacey as I replay events and fear that they will become wildly unpredictable and hurt me, or I become visibly uncomfortable and appear ‘off’, for seemingly no reason to the other person and come off as being weird or disengaged. But I still think it’s pretty mild and I manage it well. This has caused several people to stop talking to me, the only times I’ve been invited to hang out have been to drink/smoke and I said no. I think because of my reactions they perceive me to be morally against it, which I’m not. I’ve tried to explain this isn’t the reason and just say that smoking makes me really anxious, but they never seem to believe me and just stop talking to me. I don’t know what to say, I think coming out and saying what happened to me would make most people really uncomfortable and I’d prefer to not have to divulge my trauma to everyone I meet.

Maybe I’m just meeting the wrong people, but I don’t know how to meet the right ones that will understand. I thought setting boundaries and saying no would be the right thing to do.
How do I socially navigate these issues of being disabled and triggered in such common social situations? How do I say no in a way people will be receptive to and not interpret as unfriendly? When is it appropriate to tell someone I’ve been assaulted/raped? I want to have an enjoyable college experience and connect with people, is that still possible?

Thank you so much!! 🙂