My wife and I have been married for a little over 6 years. We have 2 sons, ages 5 and 4, that just started school last month. Going back 8 years, shortly after my wife, then girlfriend, moved in together, I realized she was an alcoholic. I’m talking the type that once they start drinking they cannot stop. I had not realized this sooner because a lot of our dating life involved drinking. We were both very much in the Miami nightlife scene back then. Back then, her drinking led to her totaling my Mercedes, having to pick her up at a hospital 30 miles away because she ran from police after getting kicked out of a club and then passed out, her going out and not showing up at home until morning countless times. How she has never gotten a DUI or been arrested is beyond me. Once, while vacationing in NYC, she argued with me about calling it a night and threw her engagement ring onto the street, it landing inches from a water drain. I tried supporting her in efforts to control her addiction for a while. She admits she’s and alcoholic. But, back then the only thing that worked was when I gave her an ultimatum. She either stopped drinking all together or we were done. She did. For 4 years she did not drink a drop of alcohol.
A year ago she told me she wanted to try socially drinking again. I told her how against it I was. She got drunk one night and argued with me, then went to go into the kid’s room in the state she was in. I, basically, removed her from the room. I did not want the boys to see their mom like that. After that night she agreed to stop again. Months later, she brought it up again. I gave her another ultimatum. The moment her drinking started affecting the boys or me, we were done. Everything came to a tipping point last week. She went out 3 nights in a row until daylight. The last night she went out, I was feeling under the weather and knew I wouldn’t feel well enough to take the kids to school the next morning. I asked her to please stay home. She argued with me, waited until I was asleep, and left the house until 8 in the morning. She also left without any money at all. Luckily, the bar she frequents is a bar that my best friend sometimes works at. He ended up picking up her tab of $190. Mind you, this is a bar that sells $5 drinks. So imagine running up a $190 tab. I found out about this when my friend called me to tell me I owed him $190.
Side note: For everyone thinking infedility is involved. It has nothing to do with her behavior. She is simply a bad alcoholic.
When she finally sobered up the next day, I told her we were done. That as far as I was concerned we were single and now she can do whatever she wants. We would work things out as to who gets the kids and when (no way they are staying with her full time) and that I would start looking for another place to be out of the house within the next couple of weeks.
I didn’t want to do this. I really didn’t. I don’t want my kids growing up like this. I love my wife. I really do. But, I felt that because I gave that ultimatum, if I didn’t go through with it, my word would never mean anything to her again. When I told her it was over, I made it clear that I was not going to argue because there was nothing to argue about. I also said we should keep our comments to ourselves since we will forever be in each other’s lives because of the kid’s.
We’ve been living in the same house now for a week. I’ll probably be moving into my brother’s next week. He has a big 4 bedroom house and it’s just him there, so I’ll be able to bring the kids. This will work temporarily until I can find a place that is reasonable here in Miami (which will be tough).
I don’t know where else to go from here. Yesterday she asked me how I was doing with everything. I responded by asking her how she was doing? She said she “felt free” and felt like she could live her life “without being judged”. She then asked me again how I was and I told her that I was sad that it had come to this and that I am even more sad for the kids. Later last night she made it a point to go around the house while talking on speaker phone with an old guy friend of hers from high school. I know of the guy and they haven’t seen each other in over 10 years and he lives 2 hours away. She has never talked to anyone on speaker. Especially with her talking and laughing as loud as she was. No doubt it’s an attempt to get at my nerves.
The problem is, it did get at my nerves. I never envisioned a life in which I was not married to her and with my kids. Everything seems to have spiraled out of control for me so fast. I know I cannot go back on what I said and I won’t. I just don’t know what the next stage of my life is going to be and that scares me. On top of everything, my business hasn’t been doing as well as it used to as we are entering our slow season. My wife is 100% financially dependant on me. She was a stay at home mom and was supposed to start working again when the kids started school but did not. She worked at my company. I should have said OUR company. We started it together but she stopped working it years ago to take care of the kids.
I’ll probably update this as more thoughts pop into my head. I honestly don’t even know what advice to ask for. My mind is everywhere right now.
EDIT: One thing I forgot to mention is how I’m feeling mentally. My sense of self-worth is on the floor right now. To think that the woman I love and have given my life to would choose alcohol over me and the well-being of our family. I’m not perfect, in any sense. But I consider myself a good dad and a good husband. Talking to a few friends lately they all said how they cannot imagine a better friend, son, brother, etc. How can I not be enough? How can an addiction be so strong that you’ll throw away everything for it? I’ve never been an addict, thankfully, so I have no idea what it’s like. But it really is making me feel like dirt.
EDIT2: Thank you guys so much for the advice and the well wishes. Unfortunately, the future still seems super scary. And seeing her take this so nonchalantly while I feel my world was just torn in two is killer. Idk if it’s a game she’s playing or what. I straight asked her if she was talking to anyone else, because strict boundaries have to be set with the kids if she is. She said she is not and would not consider being with anyone until we are divorced. She also said she would never introduce anyone to the kids until a good amount of time had passed since they were together. She did admit to creating a profile on a dating site (wtf?) to test the waters as I had once told her how hard it was for single mothers to find serious relationships. I’m just reading all these texts from her thinking my life is imploding and this one is thinking of this crap? I’m thinking about finances and future living situations and how I’m a piece of crap that can’t compare to a bottle of rum. She’s thinking about finding someone “who will accept her for who she is and not have the bad memories that I have”. Jesus.
EDIT3: A lot of people are writing here like she’s always been this horrible person. I will say, the beginning of our relationship was great. Her 4 years sober were maybe the best 4 years of my life. We had a loving, happy marriage and household. She has never been a bad mother to the kids. Albeit, when she is drunk she is not around the kids so they have been sheltered from that side of her. The more and more that I read about it, I believe she has just succumbed to her disease again and that is what is affecting her. She had a rough upbringing. She was raised by a verbally abusive single dad who became addicted to painkillers. Her mom was basically addicted to everything and not in the picture for most of her life. I’m not making excuses for her. I’m of the thinking that there are very few actual victims in this world. One’s life is not predetermined. I remember in the middle of her sobriety when she once told me that “I saved her”. We were both so happy then. Truth be told, everything started getting bad when we moved back to Miami from Las Vegas in the middle of the pandemic. We moved back because all of our family is here. This wouldn’t hurt one bit if not for the beautiful life that I had that I won’t have again.
44 comments
It sounds like you are doing everything right. You ended the relationship and have plans lined up for other housing and it sounds like you also have plans to get a lawyer.
4 years of sobriety is fantastic, but it’s been a full year since then and it’s clear your wife still has not fully recognized that any amount of alcohol cannot be in her life. Moderation does not work for someone with a severe alcohol use disorder.
Also, I think you should get your kids into counseling. They may be young, but even very young children are impacted by substance use. Growing up in a household with problematic drug or alcohol use is an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE).
Sorry to hear you are going through this. Good luck.
I’m sorry
You need a lawyer ASAP
She seems to have little to no interest in how this impacts her children and thats the most troubling to me overall.
Stay strong for the kids, and lawyer up immediately. And I mean **immediately**. You’ve done youre best, and what’s happening now is not your failure, but her’s.
Where you go from here is to a divorce attorney who will begin the process of separating your living situation and then get you through the legal process.
It’s not you. The disease makes the drug more important than everything, even including being alive.
Unfortunately, it sounds like she called your bluff. The fact that her reaction to you leaving was happiness that she could drink more is absolutely tragic. Get a lawyer and find a place with enough space for your children, because you’re probably going to get at least 50/50 custody.
Try not to frame it to yourself as “I’m not enough”. It’s not about you – she has a disease. Alcoholics will literally choose alcohol over their own safety. There’s nothing you could have done differently here. Focus on taking care of yourself and your children now.
Addiction is tough, but you’ve got kids and have to focus on “best interests of the children” which means you need to give them a home with stability: something an addict is not capable of.
You definitely do need to get a lawyer, you should probably have some level of proof of her alcoholism so the kids aren’t in danger and her divorce settlement is minimal/in a trust so she doesn’t blow it all in a year drinking it away.
You should join Al Anon, it’s for family members of alcoholics: addiction doesn’t just affect the addict. In some ways it’ll be good to give your kids an idea of what’s going on with the help of a therapist because when they are with mom they’re going to have to have a totally different level of self awareness and responsibility to keep themselves safe (i.e. if mommy is acting funny don’t get in the car if she’s driving).
My step mom is literally about to die from addiction- mostly alcohol but also pain medication. I also lost a friend back in May who literally drank himself to death (swollen liver pressing on the nerve nearby led to internal bleeding during another drunken bender in between rehab stints- trashed his house thoroughly before he passed out on the couch and died at 45 years old). I can completely appreciate your questions from your edit- why are we not enough? Why is this wonderful life not good enough? How can you do this to your children? Folks in my life have literally died choosing addiction over everything, they were told the risks and lied, hid, misled, and cheated to continue their habit- the best I can say is that addiction is a disease, like cancer. Some people get help and live, some people get help and still die, and some people don’t get help.
One of my best friends was the wife of the gentleman who died. She tried things (which might be considered enabling) from taking his keys- so he’d walk to the liquor store. She took his credit cards- he used ApplePay. The liquor store wouldn’t let him walk to the store anymore (he was drinking in their parking lot) so he started taking Ubers. He literally went to rehab 6 different times, he always did great- it was whenever he got out he’d go right back to drinking even though it destroyed his career (he got fired for drinking instead of working), marriage, his home, caused his dog to die through negligence, and eventually killed him. She was sad when he died, but he’d been so verbally abusive, publicly embarrassing, and so inappropriately dependent- she was also relieved. She didn’t have to worry about the worst happening because it was already over.
All you can do is protect yourself, and your children. Boundaries (hard boundaries), expectations, and consequences. Follow through on yours, and don’t worry about whoever she dates- it certainly won’t be anyone of quality, it’s more likely to be a drinking buddy or someone who leads her further into addiction.
Two things spring to mind.
This isn’t about you. This isn’t a measure of you as a husband and father, this is a measure of her as an alcoholic. Addiction ALWAYS wins, until the person realises that it’s a choice between themselves and addiction, and then sometimes they put themselves first. You were always living on the knife edge of who was going to win between your family and her craving, it never goes away, it just maybe gets controlled. Well she lost that fight. There is nobody on this earth that was more important to her than having another drink, and there never was. You presumably know by now that addiction replaces every other need in her life. They act like a person but they’re actually just a need walking around denying themselves. With your restraint gone, she may simply circle the drain and then disappear, or she may hit bottom and then in time realise what she’s done and get out of it properly, but none of that is down to you now, you have only two priorities and the first is your kids and the second is your own wellbeing. She fought pretty well for years but the call was too strong for her, but that’s not a judgement of who you are or were to her. It’s a judgement of her.
The other point is about you. You are need to reassure your self-worth that, completely aside from what these peripheral people think of you, you are the best father your children will ever have, and you need to keep to that understanding. You have protected them, and you are removing yourself and them from a situation that is harmful to you. You cannot do more, you cannot blame yourself for her being weak and failing. None of that is on you, but you are doing a bang up job of being a dad when part of the family has reneged on their responsibilities. You should take pride in that, that out of this imploding family the kids have one absolute top parent that they will always be able to rely on to put their needs first, I commend you for that.
Please for the love of God go and see a divorce attorney IMMEDIATELY. You cannot trust that your wife will handle this amicably and you must protect those children.
Editing to remove a suggestion I thought twice about and to add some emotional support: I am sorry that your wife cannot be a mother right now and that you are left dealing with the fallout. I can tell that you are a loving partner and father and that you want what is best for your children. I hope that your wife can work on her addiction and can restore her capacity to be a supportive and healthy mom. I hope that you are able to engage in individual counseling to get some support through this transition. Best of luck to you and the babies, you got this Dad!
Sorry you’re going through this, man.
As others have said, please get yourself a lawyer ASAP. Assume the worst behavior out of her. She’s an alcoholic with poor impulse control who feels judged by you, so be prepared for her to come at you hard. She’s going to have other booze hounds in her ear, so expect the worst and protect yourself. Don’t assume she will do what is right for the sake of the kids. She will do what is right to protect her ego, and it’s broken right now.
Protect your kids, protect your business, protect yourself. That’s your focus now. Compartmentalize all that away from the emotions as much as you can, try to treat it like you would a business negotiation.
Please don’t take her actions as an indication that you’re less-than, or not good enough. Addiction is a bitch that does not follow normal thought processes. Her actions are no reflection of you, they are purely those of someone consumed by a demon they can no longer control. One day she may wake up and realize how much she screwed up, but that’s not your problem any more.
It isn’t that you’re not enough; it’s that she’s a party girl and always will be. She has chosen alcohol and now flirting with other guys over everything, not just you – she chose it over her kids, over stability, over *everything*. There is a wonderful partner out there for you who wants the same things you do and will be thrilled with the life you, they, and your kids can build together while your soon-to-be-ex is going to find herself washed out and pathetic in a few years.
As for what you do first – get an attorney, immediately. Do not try to “work this out” just between the two of you because she will take you for everything and fuck you over on custody just because she feels petty (and she clearly feels petty because she hit up the old boyfriend in front of you). Hire the best attorney around so you don’t end up on the hook for alimony and thus funding her drunken antics forever.
You can’t do anything about your wifes alcoholism. She has to WANT to get sober and stay sober. She needs rehab. You, and your childrwn when they’re older, could benefit from attending Al-Anon. It’s for families and friends of alcoholics. I wish you the best! Sincerely, grandchild of two alcoholics and wife of an alcoholic. (My husband is in AA. He has 17 years sober).
There is no salvaging this , you two need to get really drunk and finish it
Get a lawyer. Get things documented and witnesses including your friend the bartender. Get full custody. And go to Al-Anon.
Yikes!
Al-anon and therapy for you and talk to a lawyer, her antics could cost you as you are still legally married.
Up any life insurance unfortunately addicts do get themselves killed.
youre not the one in the wrong here, obviously youre gonna feel down in a rut but know youre doing the best thing you could do for your kids. youre a brave man, most people would have conceded. i hope thing get better man
Ultimatums don’t work unless the addict is really ready to quit for themselves. Believe me, I’ve been there done that.
You are not to blame here. You have zero control over what she does, you didn’t cause it and you can’t cure it. Just remember that. Their addiction is number one, the rest is an afterthought.
Get yourself into counseling with soemoen that has experience dealing with addiction. Chances are good you are a codependent and so you will need to change yourself in order to avoid future unhealthy relationships like that. I hguhlt suggest you read codependent no more, and also check out pleasure unwoven (a documentary on addiction I watched during family week in rehab). I also recommend this [forum](https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/) to find people in your situation. I highly recommend really educating yourself on addiction. It is so much more than the drinking. It’s self medication of underlying mental health issues as well as having poor coping skills. My guess is she came form an alcoholic home and therefore had a dysfunctional upbringing and didn’t learn communication and healthy coping skills. Unless she addresses her underlying issues with a professional she will likely not stay clean long term
Thing with alcoholism is that she can never touch alcohol again, not after 1 year not after 20. For alcoholics all it takes is one drink to trigger their brain tos tart drinking again. Until they can accept that they won’t stay clean long term. She needs professional help but it will only work if it comes from her.
I would push for supervised visits and/or soberlink breathalyzer before and after any visits (to make sure she didn’t drink during). Unfortunately the courts can be a pain. My lawyer said he knows of a guy that was “sober” for all of one week and was entitled to 50/50 custody etc. That forum will be helpful with tips etc for going through divorce from people who have been there.
Feel free to msg if needed. Also, tell your kids the truth but in age appropriate manner. Alcoholism is a disease but also a choice. I can’t recommend any books for kids as I speak french with my kid but don’t lie about it. There gonna wonder if it is their fault and they need to know that this is not in any way shape or form their fault.
You’re doing the right thing. She can’t stay clean and this dysfunctional household will be detrimental for your kids in the long run.
She needs addiction treatment. There is a world of info about why we choose and stay with addicts, which is something you can look at when you and your kids are safe from your wife’s addiction. Her addiction will always come first. I have worked in addiction nursing and until the addict is prepared to seriously work on themselves and be accountable, they are lost to the addiction.
Her feeling free when she is about to lose her family is incredibly sad. You need to talk to a lawyer, start the divorce process, and sort out custody. The kids are not safe with her because she’s chosen alcohol. They need a stable parent in their life.
OP Find a lawyer and file for divorce now, the process will take some time but in the meanwhile document everything, every day she got drunk and all events that could affect the kids.
If she doesn’t go to a rehab program and got her life straight continue upon the end, do not trust her words, trust her actions and go all the way. If you have to cancel the divorce push for and postnuptial agreement to let everything fixed in case you have to really divorce her.
My best friend literally give up all rights to his daughter…to drink. Everyone tried to help him every which way possible for years and he could not stop. Addiction is very selfish. He ended up killing himself. Alcohol, while legal and socially acceptable, is up there with heroine in my book.
I feel so sorry for you and can relate a lot to this post. Only I’m the adult oldest child of 5 kids in the situation. My mother basically back stabbed me extremely hard, someone I trusted more then anyone in the world. She did cheat on my step father who’s one of the best second dad’s one could ever ask for. And she pretty much did it all for alcohol.
Before she left we put her through rehab, by her choice. It lasted a few months and like your wife one drink led to another and next thing we know she’s full blown again. Not long after that we discovered she was cheating on him WITH MY BOSS AT MY JOB. Who in my opinion is a total loser and nowhere near as good as my step dad. Basically she’s only with him because she’s allowed to drink now. I was 27 when this all went down and almost 29 and I still just can’t forgive her for doing this to her 5 kids. None of us talk to her at all anymore and all she ever says is she misses her kids. But she’s a mess. Constantly sick now, in and out of the hospital for “accidentally tripping” and best of all swears up and down she doesn’t drink.
My sincere condolences. It will be very hard. Even being the child in the situation it also made my self confidence pathetic for a long time and now I’m just extremely bitter. Love your kids more then anything they are so much younger then the rest of us were.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re doing the right thing. Just be sure you go for full custody. She’s spiraling and you can’t risk anything happening to the children. There are supervised visitation center that would test her to ensure she’s sober for visits.
Updateme!
Sorry you and your children are going through this. Addiction is nasty and cruel. On the other side you’ll realise that it’s not about you. Meaning an addict will always choose the addiction first and foremost because the addict is ill. They don’t have the capacity to think normally and will use absolute nonsense to justify it. Until they receive solid professional help, all you can do is what you’re doing now, making sure the kids are ok. My ex best friend turned into a full blown functioning alcoholic, along with her partner. She didn’t do the binge and go crazy, just had the shakes the next day and couldn’t go one single day without it. She changed and became so full of it, it was unbearable. My ex partner was addicted to porn. While it’s not agknowledged as an addiction like with alcohol, the nature of it was very similar. He chose that over his family. My point is, it’s not and never has been about you “not being enough”. Nothing or no one will come before the addiction and activities that enable the addiction. It’s a severe illness, and trying to expect rationale behavior or thoughts from them is like trying to get a dog to fly a jet. Just won’t happen. Good luck, you’re doing the right thing.
From someone who grew up with an alcoholic as their mum:
It was very hard for me especially as a child, she is aggressive when drunk. Drinks as soon as she’s home and just turns into an insulting and bad person that is out for fights. My dad tried to stop her drinking habits when I was younger, but when she started to go back to work she bought it herself which probably made it worse. He passed away when I was about 12 and I was the only one who she could take her anger out on.
What I want to say is, keep an eye on your children and make sure she doesn’t treat them awful when drunk it can be damaging for a child to see their mum insulting them.
You have to put them first.
My ExH is a recovering alcoholic. We divorced almost 6 years ago.
At first it was hard. He told me I would never find anyone as a single mom. Blamed me for everything wrong in his life.
It was hard knowing he already had a GF before we even divorced.
But you know what? My kids were the only thing that mattered. I continued to remind myself of this. I went to therapy. And his relationship imploded. It took him years of relapse and cycling before he got sober. I found the romantic love of my life. And my Ex is filled with so much regret.
All this to say… I know it sucks *now* but I guarantee by next year, it won’t.
Op – you have done this the wrong way and are just providing her with a huge fillip to continue her lifestyle.
She is not going to be suffering anything, no consequences for her actions – nothing! No wonder she is so blaise about it all – she effectively wins!
You are not the one who should be leaving, she should be. You are sacrificing you and your kids for her – the alcoholic party girl – and she will never see that she is the cause of this.
Sorry but you have gone about this in a way that won’t solve a single thing, that will just hurt you and the kids and in doing so, completely validates her and her actions.
You should of kicked **her** out!!
The person with the addiction/problem has to want help. Otherwise, anything you do for them to support them is just enabling them to further damage themselves. It’s hard to accept, especially with someone you love, but it’s the hard truth.
You need to file for divorce right now – literally, as soon as you can, the first person to file has much better prospects typically – and save *all* of the interactions with you and your wife up to that point.
It’s time to start thinking about your children and not your relationship, because getting custody from a mother is an extremely hard thing to do and you WILL have to AT LEAST share custody by default. Do you want your wife to be like she is **right now** around your kids? Would you let a nanny act like that around your children?
It’s important for you to realize when she says “I want someone who will accept me for who I am and not have the bad memories that you have”, what she means is “I want to do whatever I want, when I want, and what that is, is get plastered as often as humanly possible without consequence”. THAT is the woman you will share custody with – not the teetotaler wife you had during the ultimatum period.
Lastly – get a therapist. Find a male therapist if you can, someone somewhat older than you who specializes in men’s or father’s mental healthcare, and start therapy. I know it seems goofy, but the feelings you’re having are important to get in front of and address – specifically, it is not about you. Addicts unfortunately gonna addict.
Op, I was married to an alcoholic. I put him thru rehab 5 times. The last time was after we separated and there was no turning back but He tried one last time for himself. It took thankfully but he is sober now.
It was bad at times. The emotional abuse was there. Bad at times. It got better.
It will for you and I think seeing s family therapist would be best and definitely fight for full custody.
Good luck
You fucked up having kids with this woman. Get a good lawyer quick. Despite the fact that she’s a disaster, she will probably get custody of the kids and you will have to pay her money for the next 15-20 years which she will spend on alcohol.
She is acting that way now, because she’s absolutely obliterating her emotions and empathy with alcohol. One day she’s going to wake up and realize what she lost. She might continue spiraling from there.
Addiction is a horrible beast. I hope you know that it isn’t something that you did, or didn’t do. This is her own personal battle, and it isn’t about you or the kids. She cannot see past the next drink. Her brain is telling her that alcohol is the most important thing, even if rationally she knows it should be her family that is the most important.
It sounds like you’re doing what is right for you. Hopefully this will be some sort of wake up call for her – but don’t be surprised if it gets worse before it gets better. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Bless your heart. You are doing the right thing for yourself and the kids. You can’t save her. It’s up to her.
Of course she’s playing games. Right now she is 100% selfish because that is what alcoholism does to a person. Don’t second guess your decisions (then or now). This doesn’t mean the good years weren’t “good”. Don’t rewrite history- but move on and take care of yourself and your kids. You are being a dad and that’s your number one job right now.
I wish you the best.
You need a lawyer and to file for full physical custody. She’s not capable of parenting like this at all.
As hard as it’s going to be, it’s still better to do this now than later, both for you and the kids. Do what you can to protect them from her. If she continues drinking like this, she won’t be a responsible parent. Make sure that your kids have a way that they can contact you and other family members easily when they’re with her alone. My ex, is an alcoholic and I didn’t act on my ultimatums earlier and he stopped taking them seriously. He wouldn’t change and only got worse overtime. Just protect yourself and your kids. Don’t worry about her, she’s too selfish and too deep in her addiction.
Lawyer up and get proof of how much she drinks! There is no way you should allow unsupervised visits! I would be terrified if those were my kids!
Right now your soon-to-be-ex-wife is trying to hurt you because she resents you trying to coerce her to stop drinking. Because in her mind she doesn’t have a problem.
I used to have a girlfriend who was an alcoholic. I learned that you can’t force an alcoholic to quit drinking. They will only quit when they realize they have a problem and they decide to do something about it, for themselves. Usually this isn’t until they hit rock bottom.
I suggest you look into attending a meeting at your local Al-Anon chapter. This is a support organization for loved ones and family members of alcoholics. They will help you deal with her problem.
Continue with your divorce plans. Make sure you get a real shark for a lawyer to ensure you get full custody of your kids. Losing custody of her kids may help her realize she has a problem.
Good luck
Please consider looking at /r/AlAnon it really helped me through some dark times.
This absolutely breaks my heart!! The way you write and speak of your wife and family truly shows how good of a person you are! Life can be scary sometimes thinking about the unknown but take it one step at a time. It seems to me that you and your wife are heading on different paths in life..Truly sad because people do change and that what’s scary about spending forever with someone. As much as you love your wife, think about the kids first and what’s ultimately best for them..In that you will find your answers.
I also read whereby you said living in Vegas made things better, if you feel that moving away can somehow bring back your wife from the bad road she is going down then give it a shot!
Your situation is tough and hard. Have a serious talk with your wife if she still doesn’t want to stop drinking then walk away. Life may get tough but so are you!!
I (23F) am reading this and literally feel like you are describing my parents. My mom started having issues with alcohol (from what I can remember) when I was 8. I’m sure they started earlier but because it was social and fun when she was young, my dad didn’t notice until later into the marriage. While they tried to shelter it from us and she would go in and out of bad periods of alcoholism and better times, it became very clear and I even remember times of her driving us drunk and my dad yelling at her for putting us in danger. My mom would also act out like your wife where if my dad would threaten to leave she would say and do very mean things. Ultimately they stayed together “for us” which meant us kids grew up in a very loveless toxic environment. I fell asleep to them screaming at each other most nights and I often hid my moms car keys so she wouldn’t drive drunk. The crazy part is from the outside, you couldn’t tell this ever happened to my family. We seem to be a very ~normal~ middle class suburban family. Raised in a four bedroom house, all went to college, nothing seems atypical, but internally our family unit was alcoholism and loveless. Ironically my dad also owned his own business which started to do worse once I was around 8 and that only made there marriage worse. Best advice I have is to leave. Your kids will get older and see this behavior and if you don’t leave you will subject them to it everyday. I still love my mom dearly and know she did the best she could but also it was not the best for me.
UpdateMe!
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you and your kids. I might have missed it in what you wrote above, but your kids are with you, right? She’s not exactly a shining example of how a parent needs to be. She *can* be sober, she has been before. It’s very sad for everyone involved that she’s made her choice. I don’t know what the alimony laws are like where you are, but it’s possible you may not have to pay her anything as you’ve been together less than 10 years. Not sure at all. You don’t owe her a living. She has made that choice for herself. Please lock down your finances and protect you and your children.
I understand your feelings but know that addiction is a beast. Even when you know it is hurting you, you want more. It’s all you can think about. I’m not the slightest surprised she feels free. In her world she’s been held from everything that’s good in the world and now she finally gets to indulge.
It’s sad but you’ll need to protect yourself and the kids here.
Many addicts need to hit rock bottom before they are able to see the problem and actually want to turn things around. It sounds like she has a long way down still.