Hi. I (24F) have two brothers, (27M) and (13M).
My parents got married at 18 & 23 and suffered loads of miscarriages throughout their marriage. I think the total is eleven but I’m not sure. They had one before my older brother, I was supposed to have a twin brother but he was lost, and then nine between me and my little brother.
My dad (55M) hates me. He liked me when I was a child but once I started going through puberty he started to hate me. I confronted him once when I was 15 and he said that he never wanted a daughter and it was easier to ignore the fact that I was a girl when I was younger. My mum (50F) pulled me aside later on and told me that my dad is bisexual and that he was always bullied for not being ‘man’ enough by his relatives so he thought having a daughter was an insult to his masculinity. I come from a culture that’s extremely homophobic and that measures the amount of children (mainly sons) as a sign of a man’s masculinity. My mother’s fertility problems got worse after I was born, so that made him hate me more.
After that, I basically just ignored him and we lived as strangers and my life got so much better. No more shouting, fights or anything. I missed my first prom because apparently prom is slutty to him but because we no longer spoke I had a blast at my second prom. My relationship with my mother also improved. He’s actually a very good partner to my mum so I guess his Misogyny is only for me.
I moved out for uni at 18 and met my fiancé (28M, then 22) in my new city because I worked at a subway and he came for lunch most days. He’s amazing and I love him to death. After I graduated from university at 21 I stayed in my uni city and moved in with my fiancé. He came to my graduation but I ignored him. It’s very far from home so I don’t visit often.
Because my father and I don’t speak to eachother, my fiancé didn’t have to ‘ask for my hand’ (more Misogyny 🤗) and we got engaged a few months ago and began to plan our wedding immediately.
The thing is, my dad had a heart attack two years ago. I didn’t return home to see him and I told my mum not to talk about it to me. My little brother who was 11 then did tell me stuff about it whenever he called and I let him because he’s a kid and was obviously very stressed and needed someone to speak to. Since then, my mum’s been hinting at me that dad wants to speak to me again and I shut it down every time.
She told my dad that I was getting married (he saw my fiancé at my graduation but they didn’t speak) and he called me for the first time in nine years. He wanted to see how his ‘baby girl’ was doing. He apologised (only said, I’m sorry for not speaking to you) and then immediately asked about my wedding and who would be walking me down the aisle. I said that no one would. He then asked if he could and I immediately said no. I honestly went off a little and I said that I hadn’t had a real conversation with him in nearly a decade and that’s the first thing he asks me? He hung up on me and I received a very stern phonecall from my little brother because apparently I made dad cry. He doesn’t know about my issues with him so I didn’t say anything but I was like what about all the times he made me cry??
My mum then rang me and said that my dad had been wanting to make amends since his heart attack but didn’t know how to approach me. It’s not like I would bite his head off, he could’ve asked to talk me when I came back to visit family, he could’ve rang me and asked to talk *without* asking to walk me down the aisle. Honestly, I just think this is him just trying to save face. He doesn’t want people to know that he’s rejected his own daughter so his Facebook is full of photos of us together as a family during events where we weren’t talking.
I don’t know what to do about this now. I do want to atleast hear him out to understand why thought rejecting me was a good idea (not necessarily to make amends) but I don’t know if I should let him walk me down the aisle to offer an olive branch. It’s all my mum talks about nowadays and as sad as it sounds, I don’t want to lose my relationship with my other parent.
How should I deal with this? And is it worth attempting to rebuild a relationship with my father? Thank you 🙂
31 comments
As you plan your wedding, you’ll be told that there are dozens of things you “have to” do. Barring legal requirements, none of that is true. Having your dad walk you down the aisle is definitely one of them. Remember: tradition is peer pressure from dead people.
As far as your relationship with your father, you have every right to feel hurt by his demand. I can’t tell you what to do, but I would encourage you to establish boundaries about what you discuss with others. If your mom calls crying, tell her “My relationship with my father is between the two of us, and I’m not comfortable discussing it with you.” If she keeps going, end the phone call with “I can’t discuss this. Love you. Bye”
Meet with him and hear him out if you want to but don’t offer anything other than your time and maybe a chance to start over if he is sincere. Don’t let him walk you down the aisle because he hasn’t earned that right and you don’t owe him anything.
First thing you need to do is tell your mom to back off. She let her husband treat you like garbage for years because your gender was some kind of hit to his masculinity. I’d tell him in no uncertain terms that as much as he’s worried about how it’ll look if he doesn’t walk you down the aisle it’s much worse to be told you weren’t wanted by your own father.
Explain that walking you down the aisle is an honor that must be earned; he doesn’t automatically qualify by being your biological father. Decide if there is a path to reconciliation possible before the wedding and, if so, what hoops he may need to jump through.
Not trying to sway you one way or another. That said, he might merely go through the motions and then ghost you post ceremony. He’ll have a picture to show what a “great” father he is. You’re worth more than that before, during, and after your big day. Planning a wedding and getting married are stressful enough.
I’m a big fan of second chances, and also a big fan of not being taken advantage of.
I would want to know he was earnest. I would ask him to make a public post on social media talking about the specific ways he failed to support you and his regret. If he did that, I would trust that he was genuinely sorry. If he refused, I would know he is only sorry add a means of getting what he wants and not if it costs him anything, and stick to your original plan.
I think you should place pre-conditions on any conversation with your father. He really needs to do several months of professional therapy to get to the bottom of his self hatred, misogyny, and emotional abuse/neglect of you. When he sees the TRUTH, he will be ready to apologize for you, not for him. His current reaching out is alllllllll about him. His reputation. His guilt. His feelings.
I wouldn’t even invite him, he doesn’t deserve it. I would tell him that directly. If you want to rebuild your relationship after the wedding that’s on you to do on your own terms. You’ll know if he is serious if he can’t go to the wedding and still wants a relationship, but I have my doubts.
Nope! He doesn’t get to do the big things when he couldn’t be bothered to do all the little things. Plus he said he hated you – and has NEVER apologized or even shown and remorse at all.
I think it exactly what you said – people will wonder and talk if he doesn’t walk you down the isle. He did not earn the honor so he can just reap what he sowed. Consequences are the result of actions or inactions. He’s getting the consequences of all the times he did nothing. So be it.
This just ticks me right off
He has ZERO right to ask you that.
He disowned you for 10 years and just because he almost met his maker 2 years ago he now wants to make makeup with you. Why did it take him 2 years? NO! He can piss right off. You owe him nothing.
BTW. I’d tell your little brother what he did to you all those years ago. He’s not that much younger than you were when you were disowned. See what he thinks of his so called Dad after that.
If you really want a relationship with your dad ask if he’d be willing to go to counseling with you. It might be good for you in the long run especially now that you’re getting married. Sometimes conflict w/a parent can show up in a marriage in a negative way. It might be worth it to find a way to make peace with your dad if possible.
First don’t try for kids if you aren’t OK with any gender outcome. Second your dad is a prick./mentally abusive. He nearly died, still didn’t talk to you, uses your mom and brother as a mediator, and then pretends he wasn’t a crap human. No proper apology, no changed behavior, nada. You don’t owe him lunch much less the honor of being at your wedding or walking you down the aisle. He allowed the relationship to die after stabbing it viciously with his shitty statements and blaming you for things that you had no bearing on. He also hates your gender.
Walk down the aisle solo, with a friend, with a stuffed animal, with a hired fake father, your mom, or whatever you please. If your dad wants to reconcile then he needs to actually try. And even if he does you still don’t have to accept it. Good luck to you and congrats on your wedding.
It literally took your father a brush with death to realize he cares about you. And oh, boo hoo, he’s crying? He literally despised you as a child for being female.
Imo? Don’t let him walk you down the aisle. Good fucking riddance.
>Since then, my mum’s been hinting at me that dad wants to speak to me again and I shut it down every time.
>
>It’s not like I would bite his head off, he could’ve asked to talk me when I came back to visit family,
Bit of self-contradiction there.
It’s very possible that the heart attack did give him a bit of perspective. He may really and truly want to make amends with you but is going about it the wrong way. It’s up to you to decide whether or not you want to give him that chance, or if that bridge has been well and truly burned.
That being said, his *desire* to fix your relationship does not automatically grant him the right to walk you down the aisle — or even to talk to you, if he can’t do it properly. If you decide to give him the chance to make amends, walking you down the aisle is an honour that he will have to earn back. Your wedding is about *you* and your fiance and nobody else unless *you* decide you want to include them. Your mother’s feelings about your relationship with your dad are not relevant either.
Yes! You know you want to talk to him and “hear him out” you can ask him all your questions if you don’t like what you hear then I guess… tell him he is still not walking you down the aisle.
Completely different situation but my mother was molested by her father as a child and even band from her church at the time when her mother and her father were still married. She has made immense sense (been a long while ago), all those feeling/pain will always be there but they can be looked passed.
I know its stupid that his health caused this push but that usually what it take for someone to realize some bad things they’ve done and want it to make it better so they can be a peace with it knowing they’ve tried to fix it. Hope your wedding is everything you dream of!
This first step in solving a problem is recognizing you have a problem. Your father has recognized this. He’s trying to make amends, but doesn’t know how. You don’t like the way he is going about it, and that’s fine. But at least he’s trying. Do you wanna go through the rest of your life without a father? You’ve been shutting down your mom’s hints. That IS biting his head off. I don’t know what to say about the wedding, but it sounds like you’re trying to exact revenge. If that makes you feel good, then tell him to fuck off. But if he dies tomorrow, what are you going to think of yourself, and your inability to forgive, in 30 years. I started talking to an X girlfriend recently that I dated 12 years ago. We live in a very small town. I hated her guts for a long time. I’m really happy that I got beyond my resentment, because I genuinely enjoy the conversations we have nowadays. Food for thought.
Bully him for being a dickless crybaby lol. Classic emasculation.
You can allow him to make amends without walking you down the aisle. Unless you WANT him to 😏
Ask him loudly why does he feel entitled to walk you down the aisle; did he forget, he told you to your face he never wanted a daughter. You aren’t an old toy that he can pick up or put away whenever he wants, you’re a person.
Step 1… call dad and tell him you want to fix your relationship but you need to get through your wedding first and do that after the wedding and all your events planned for it are over.
Step 2… tell dad he can walk you down the isle
Step 3… pick someone else to do it. If you are close to any gay man you love this will be perfect. If not any man you see as a father figure of any sort will do. If your finances family loves you borrow his dad.
Step 4… don’t tell your dad until the rehearsal dinner about your real plan.
Step 5… don’t actually do this because you probably aren’t that evil but my god the asshole deserves it.
Step 6… maybe tell him he can walk you down the isle but only if he brings his boyfriend to the wedding proudly.
Your mom needs to back off, your little brother is perfectly old enough to hear the truth of it – if either parent were actually interested in salvaging a relationship with you, they wouldn’t speak negatively about you in front of him nor would they allow him to speak like that to you.
Your “dad” needs to be OK with giving up on walking you anywhere let alone speaking with you if he’s actually concerned with gaining your trust or a connection with you. If he can’t respect your position – that he created – then he’s only interested in how he looks and where he stands now.
You don’t owe him a damn thing – if your mom continues to guilt you, tell her you’re happy to cut her out, too. They’re overstepping boundaries that you need to keep you in a positive headspace and they’re going out of their way to make your wedding about your “dad.”
You need to be direct – consider writing a letter, one each to your parents, outlining your feelings and disappointment in their behavior and what you’re willing to give/do to mend the relationship – only if you want to and only if they’re willing to follow your lead.
I think you should consider reconciling with your father–and if you’re up for it, tell him that. But that due to his past treatment of you, as well as his full on admitting multiple times that he never wanted a daughter, pretended you were a little boy, and blamed your for your mother’s miscarriages, he has lost his privilege to walk you down the aisle. If he balks and acts like that’s the only thing that matters to him then I think it’s probably he doesn’t actually want to repair the relationship with you, he just doesn’t want others to see he has failed as a father.
You don’t owe your dad anything. He made his feelings clear a long time ago. And your mother allowed his treatment of you to happen. It’s unfair that she now expects you to just forgive and forget. I don’t think a talk with your dad would hurt anything, meaning it’ll give you a chance to voice your feelings. If his heart attack did open his eyes and he has finally recognized that his treatment of you was horrible, that’s great. And if I were you my response would be,”Thank you for taking the time to acknowledge that you were a horrible father to me because of something that was absolutely out of my control. Whether this appeases your guilt or not makes no difference to me. I am in no way obligated to forgive you. As for walking me down the aisle…that privilege should go to someone who actually deserves it. That person is not you, unfortunately.” I am wondering how the younger brother was not aware of any of this happening?? How does someone not notice that there is zero interaction between their parent and their sibling?
My father wants to walk me down the aisle when I marry my partner.
I told him he could when he figured out how to go back in time and be apart of my life for the last 20 years.
He cried. I hung up on him.
Like nah bro. You don’t get to ditch us for your new kids and then show up when we are all adults trying to pretend like you cared.
NTA If he really wants to patch things up with you, he should understand that the walking down the aisle is a privelage.
He needs to show/take actions that proves that he really wants to make amends with you.
I think its annoying how your mother is trying to play off the crao he pulled over the years. How supportive was she while he was hurting you? Did she ever truly stand up to him or call out his bullshit? She doesn’t get to try and guilt you into this after everything he’s done. If you want to do anything, be honest with your brother who has been told a different story, and send your dad a veerrryyy long message outlining everything he has done and telling him how you feel
“Bold of you to assume you’d be invited to my wedding…”
It’s called consequences of their actions
So after all that time that he treated you like you didn’t exist, the first thing out of his mouth is “I want” ( to walk you down the aisle)
Yeah, no. He doesn’t deserve the honor.
He had a heart attack and now wants a relationship, no it is not worth it!!
You tell him he will be lucky to be invited to your wedding. He wasn’t a father to you for almost a decade.
Mom can keep quiet; she gave an excuse for his poor behavior and that was bullshit!!
Brother will never understand, because he was a wanted child.
If you decide to hear him out, it would make the walk decision easier. Also, the heart attack probably opened his eye to see how self righteous he has been and regrets the way he treated you. Especially considering you are his only daughter.
Nah. We can choose our family. He doesn’t deserve it. Good luck with your new life!