To people who have dated/ are currently dating someone who is depressed, What do you do (for your partner) and How do you handle (your own emotions) when your partner is having a depressive episode?

11 comments

1. Don’t try to fix him.
   Don’t tell him things will get better.
   Don’t suggest things he should do to fix himself.

   Just be there for him and listen.

2. I would suggest saying things like “you’re enough”, “can I help you with anything?”, “I’m here for you” and one of my personal favourites “do you need someone to listen to you or do you need help problem solving?”
   Best of luck. You are such a special person for asking.

3. I was suicidal in my last relationship (I was in the army and married). My ex wife was suffering from several depression symptoms that it got to the point that nothing I did would help. All you can do is be there for them, let them know you are there for them and if they need help it’s okay to ask.

   Now this is a suggestion or my personal opinion. People like to be victimize themselves sometimes or the aren’t ready for help or just don’t want it. So don’t let your life stop just because of this.

   Also it took her leaving me for me to work on myself because people will and can pull you down. Even if they don’t mean to

4. As shitty as it sounds – try not to seem depressed yourself. Even when I was depressed as well, it tends to create a downward spiral for both parties. Sometimes one person might have to help the other.

   I’m not saying to lie or be disingenuous, but being a source of happiness, positivity (not the frustrating “everything is fine” type), comfort, etc can really help sometimes. Get them to play a game/watch a movie with you, go outside together, pick up/cook something good to eat, etc. Talking about whatever issue is obviously going to confront it more directly. But sometimes you don’t actually want that and you just want to try to relax and think about something other than being depressed. Sometimes you just want to shut the fuck up and eat fried rice while watching shitty YouTube videos with the person you love next to you.

   None of these things will really fix a person’s depression, they’re just some things that might help a little. Usually in a relationship one person might need to play this role for a while until the roles switch. You take turns keeping eachother afloat.

5. Long term relationship with someone suffering with pretty decent depression but refused to even think it was an option. To me it’s not the depression, it all depends on how they react to it. I think alot of people are genuinely quite supportive, so I’m sure you’re getting lots of good advise for that. Perhaps they have down episodes, crying episodes etc. I’m going to talk about the “irritable” type. Where their primary reaction is anger, tempers, irrational, violence, addictions. If they refuse to seek professional help, you have absolutely no obligation to stick around. It’s not bad of you to think of yourself if it’s having a big effect on your own mental health. You can’t make anyone get help or even see that there’s a problem. Do not feel guilty to leaving someone who abuses you and blames the mental health, or if it’s due to mental health and they can’t see it. In that specific situation, you are nothing more than a scapegoat and punching bag for them. If nothing you do, say or anything has any effect, it won’t change. And you’re not their parent, you’re not responsible for their happiness, (they actually don’t want to be happy, they feed the misery). So my ultimate advise for being with someone who’s depressed and takes it out on you often, is to walk away without guilt.

6. Honestly? After years I don’t do much of anything for them. I hide in my office for days and sleep on the couch for days until it passes. I have to ignore them because it exhausts me too much dealing with their misery-of-the-moment and I have 100x the responsibilities to manage. So for my own peace of mind, I hide. And honestly it sucks.

7. As someone who struggles with depression myself, when I go through an episode all I want is emotional support from my bf. Sometimes small things like saying I love you or “is there anything I can do to help” really help more than you would ever know. The important thing is that you’re trying your best to support them and that shows your feelings for them. It’s not easy and I wish you luck. I’m sure that your partner knows how lucky they are to have you as well 🙂

8. Raindrops on roses…

   Be present but don’t try to fix them. (Do pay attention that they are taking their meds) Listen. If they get behind on things (housework, shopping, personal care) you can ask for permission to help.
   Focus on their “love languages” and then try to do their favorite things (meal, movie, game/sport, touch, small things that show you care and that you are thinking about them when you aren’t together)

9. My fiance and I both suffer from depression. Mine is coupled with anxiety and PTSD, and his is paired with paranoia.

   When one of us has a very bad episode of anything, the other leans into our love language. For example, his love language is cuddling and acts of affection. So when he’s having a spiral, I’ll make a blanket burrito the two of us can snuggle into together and pet him. The best way to deal with mine is to let me vent, give me bodily space if I want it in the moment, and feed me. So he’ll make me dinner, allow me to come to him for any contact, and listen to me ramble. It’s helped us both immensely over our almost 2 year relationship because we get what we need most. This may not work for you guys, but it’s how we handle it together.

10. OP, you are doing great. posting here and asking for advice means you care. a few years ago when i first met my husband, i was really depressed and always wanted to harm myself. however, my husband (boyfriend at the time) was always there for me and listened. he never judged me and always understood everything i said or do..even if i was wrong, he would forgive me. i know i make mistakes and it would make me more depressed, but he always reassured me on everything i do. him caring so much, always there, and listening has helped me a whole ton. i was depressed since middle school and was depressed long term. so i think to help your boyfriend, one of the best ways is to listen to him and be patient. remember to take care of yourself too! because i know it can also be draining.

11. Give him space if he asks for it. Be a sholder to cry on and listen when he opens up. Sometimes it is revolving around an event or sometimes it is just stress. There isnt much you can do besides be there