If you look back at my TA profile, you’ll see some background and posts from 2 years ago but essentially this is the run down.
My now husband and I dated for 6 years. About 2 years before our engagement we broke up for several months due to his controlling, stand off behavior, and his ability to easily discard me if I did not fulfill his every expectation to his standard. After several months broken up, we slowly started talking, him claiming he had changed. I admit I saw pretty significant change and we got back together and move across the country with his kid that we have full custody of.
Sometime after the move, he became quite reactive and threatened to hit me once after a screaming match. Then, things died down for quite a while. Less explosiveness from him, but the responsibility was on me again. To clean, work full time, go to school, home school the kid etc. But eventually, even that died down a little for a few months. He started helping around the house more, we put the kid back in public school, and his explosiveness settled, we saw a marriage therapist who discharged us pretty quickly saying that we were rather healthy. (He later laughed at how stupid the therapist is for not catching a death glare he gave me In her office)
A few months later, he proposed and we quickly got married to ensure his dying parents be present. He admits to me days before our engagement that he had been lying about being on pot, which is pretty significant since we both met in sobriety.
After our engagement, things got bad quickly! He kicked me out of the house, pretended to throw my engagement ring out the car window, put holes in the walls, and then acts like nothing happens after.
We got married anyway, I felt it was too late to back out.
So we get married, even the week leading up to the wedding he was making threats about calling the wedding off. But even after the wedding things still got worse. Every Sunday like clock work, he threw a huge tantrum while i was cleaning, finding it an excuse to leave the house in a rage. He’d kick me out every week. Once I left for the week after he told me to leave and he lost his shit for demeaning me the entire time. I set boundaries that if he kicked me out again I’d move out. And so I did. We currently live separately. Anytime I am at my house he blows my phone up, accusing me of all kinds of things. But when I play my role, we will got about a week without him going off the deep end. But even so, he wakes up sometimes and is paranoid and distrustful of the world and that includes me. He is convinced I married him and then changed. That I’m making him out to be a terrible person. That I am purposefully pushing him to treat me and everyone else like this (even though NOW his parents and friends have come to me telling me he’s always been this way).
Looking back, the red flags were there. All of his exes are “crazy”, we have a significant age gap, he’s very particular, he has a general air of foreboding things not go his way, no compromise, love bombed, etc. He’s very much controlling. He’d rather I sit at home silently and not say anything to me, than me be doing anything else. As long as I am there and doing what i am supposed to, all is well.
I guess I just feel like I can’t get out.
13 comments
Run, don’t walk, far away from this abusive, controlling freak.
Aren’t you out now? You moved out. Stay moved out and block him on everything. Get therapy to begin to heal the abuse.
Is this real?? It’s hard to imagine why anyone would stay with someone after the first time something like this happened, let alone the 300th time. It’s genuinely hard to know people suffer like that. It’s sadder still to know that you “got out” years ago and voluntarily went back in 😩
I don’t know your situation fully but I would separate from him. Tell him that it’s not healthy for either one of you and cut contact with him.
I say this gently, it’s clear to everyone (including yourself) that you should have known not to marry him because of how toxic he is. But it’s not too late to get out, you NEED to get out. You need to RUN as far away from this as possible and block any contact and avoid him at absolutely all costs.
Sure, you should have done it sooner, but that doesn’t mean it’s too late. It’s never too late. And let’s be honest, the sooner the better. You already know this is never going to get better.
One of the complicating factors for me, is that he has a kid that I consider “my” kid, because I’ve raised her for over half a decade. The kiddo spends the majority at my house even as we live separately. Leaving him, feels a lot like abandoning her with this problem..
Oh you poor thing! I’m sorry and I understand you feel an obligation to his daughter but you need to get out for you. You’re not happy and he is abusive in every way. His family is also warning you. Only thing that is worse than being in a bad relationship is being in a bad relationship a day, a week, a year longer.
Is there any way you could get custody of her in the divorce? Do you live in a single consent state? Because then I’d recommend filming or recording him every time he goes off on you and becomes violent – that should help you in court. And if you can’t get custody, consider moving back to where your family is – you can still keep in contact with her over videocalls, but at least you’d be in a better, safer and happier environment.
What is your question here
GTFO
Doesn’t sound like he going to change.
My coworker told me once he used to smoke pot and it cause him to be a very angry person so maybe that’s his problem?!
He sounds like a stone cold narcassist, life is too short… run
But you can get out. Millions of women have gotten out. Don’t get pregnant, call a DV hotline for advice, and start making your plan now. You can do this!
Can you adopt her and them leave him?
This is borderline personality disorder, trauma driven from childhood.