I’ve been with my husband for 3 years, 2 years married. There’s a female friend of his that will jump into his arms when she sees him and act in a way that makes me slightly uncomfortable. I’ve had a conversation with my husband in the past about it so he’s aware of my feelings on the matter. I just brushed it off after that because it was never to the point where I felt I needed to make shit weird.
We hang out with her family quite a bit (her mom and dad) and she lives out of town so we don’t see her often. This past weekend she was in town because she is getting married next year and came to hang out and pick out a dress the following day. A bunch of us were over at her parents house watching the football game. She showed up and does the whole jumping into his arms thing, which I expected so I wasn’t bothered.
But then, she sat on his lap….
Not only that, she looks at me and says “this is ok right?”
It really wasn’t to me, but there were a lot of people around and I didn’t feel like looking like the jealous wife (which is entirely not the case). I just shrugged it off like whatever and said it was cool. Then she asks me again after a few minutes. Again, I shrugged it off.
She said it another time or two after that, then proceeded to come up to me later and ask if I was cool with her sitting on his lap and that they are like “brother and sister”. Then she went on to say that his ex wife didn’t like it and she’s a bitch, so at that point I just went with it.
I didn’t grow up with them to witness their dynamic, so to me it’s inappropriate. And if you have to ask permission, it probably is.
It just threw me off that she was so adamant about asking repeatedly if it was ok. What’s the end game? Even if they have that dynamic, I think that once your friend gets married, things change and you should respect another man’s wife.
I’m not sure how to proceed because I work with her family members, but I’m just not ok with this behavior. It’s not about jealousy, it’s about me feeling completely disrespected. By both of them.
Am I justified in my feelings on this? Am I overreacting?
Edit: I completely trust my husband and would never have concerns about infidelity. Like none. It’s not about that, it’s the principle of the entire situation, feeling completely disrespected. The whole interaction felt like a trap.
UPDATE: I spoke with him when I got home and he acted like I was being unreasonable, tried to come up with examples to turn things around on me. I give up. Done.
36 comments
His ex wife divorced him probably because of his entertaining this woman’s boundary crossing and you married him anyway?
Next time she asks, say “as long as your fiancé is okay with it. Mind if I send him a picture?”
You’re being a chump here OP, sorry.
This is beyond inappropriate and you’re playing yourself.
Also sit on her husbands lap.
Don’t allow any woman to sit on your husband’s lap. It does not matter what everyone else thinks.
Yeah your husband should be shutting this down regardless of if you say something or not.
This is where it starts. It not just a her problem it’s a husband problem too.
If she is asking that much she knows it’s not ok. Also if your husband knows it makes you uncomfortable he really needs to speak up and tell her to stop as well. You have a boundary and he needs to respect that. I’m sure other people that were there watching the game probably thought that was weird behavior on her part as well but just didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re justified, no you’re not overreacting, and the conversation you need to have is with your husband. What is he doing this whole time?
She knows it’s not ‘brother and sister’ because she asked you if it was OK. People who genuinely think their behavior is innocent affection don’t ask spouses ‘are you ok with this’ and don’t say ‘their ex was such a bitch about it’.
Since you asked, the end game of the dynamic is that she’s flirting with your husband right in front of you and forcing you to be okay with it. It’s a power game.
I think the only thing you did wrong was not tell her the second she sat down that you WERE NOT comfortable with it. Plus I would have a serious talk with your husband as to why he didn’t nip it in the bud. Don’t give a flying fig if there was people around. I would have no problem causing a scene
Don’t see many brothers and sisters sitting on each others lap as adults very often either. Creepy
I get it. There is a young woman who has known my guys family for years who comes over from time2time and she tried to pull that shit after I first moved in. Hell no. His whole family was here and between me and my guy it was shut down immediately. She still comes over once in a while but hasn’t tried it again…..or she wouldn’t be coming over. And before I get hate for being insecure, jealous, bitter…..etc etc – all it is is showing respect for your person.
Unfortunately, “pick me” girls are everywhere and thrive on the drama they cause. It’s sad actually 😞
She is playing games, her ass is pressed against your husband’s cock, come on
Best way is to kill with kindness. Example :
“Darling it’s OK to still have the need to be coddled as when you were a child. Many people can’t stand by themselves and still need their mom, dad or sibling figure to treat them like a baby to feel secure. It’s totally expected when one doesn’t resolve childhood trauma that made them feel like they didn’t get enough attention. Or maybe it’s just about you being afraid of life as an adult. I know life can be difficult. I understand you need my husband to see you as a baby little sister and want to sit on his laps or jump in his arms to get his attention. Don’t worry I’m a woman who stands on her own and I’m not threatened at all. (add a little head shake like she’s truly adorable). No my dear really don’t worry. One day you will realize you don’t need all that attention to feel like you exist on your own and you will stand by yourself. I’m rooting for you. And anyway, if I had to be afraid of that, it would mean my husband isn’t the man I think he is and it would be you doing me a favor honestly (add little laugh here like she’s silly)”.
Make sure you smile with a hint a condescendance. Like a grown up looking at a child with benevolence. Even add a little pat on her shoulder. That should do the trick!
Adit : forgot to say. It’s your husband you need a word with. Ask him calmy why he is allowing her those “skin” priviledges and if he would be fine with you sitting on other men’s laps. She has nothing to do with your couple but your husband has.
Sit on her husbands lap next time.
Bet she says she just gets along with males better and everyone just thinks she’s flirty but it means nothing 🙄
Fact is he thinks this behavior is in any way normal because it’s happened for long enough and no one cared before because they were both single or young…people might’ve assumed they’d end up together eventually but for whatever reason they didn’t? it’s weird as hell now. they both don’t need that kind of attention from each other.
Girrrl nope – if she asked three time it means she KNOWS what she’s doing. It’s hard to put boundaries but it’s important – best way is to turn it into a joke. Next time she sit go and sit on her lap on top and make it all look very ridiculous.
She’ll get the message.
This girl is doing it specifically to get a ride out of you. This is childish nonsense and your husband is a childish asshole for allowing it to happen. I’m not a jealous person either but some annoying woman pawing at my husband then rubbing it in my face would piss me off (mostly because it’s dumb as hell, not jealousy.) but hey, if that’s the kind of attention your husband wants, just leave him to it. You can have an ex husband and he can have a “sister”. Ew.
Your husband is “her” friend and you are an intruder. Like she’s marking her territory. I saw another sub like this.
So disrespectful
That is beyond disrespectful. She played her hand well. She made sure to ask you if you were fine with her inappropriate behavior in front of everyone present (assuming these were all her friends/family) so that there were two outcomes: either you said no, you’re not cool with it and you look like the jealous wife or you feel pressured to say you’re fine with it and now she has a free pass to be inappropriate with your husband. Also, no one will question her inappropriate behavior because they have all heard from you several times that you are fine with it. It gave her AND your husband a free pass. She also doubled down by pointing out how his exwife was a bitch for being “jealous”. Again, putting you in a spot that makes it hard to speak up again. Your husband is just as guilty as she is. He cannot be that naive or clueless to think that is appropriate behavior for a married man. If you sat on another man’s lap, my guess is he would tell you it’s different because they are like “siblings”. But I don’t know about you, but I don’t jump into my brother’s arms or sit on their laps. I hope you point that out to him.
I wonder if they’ve hooked up in the past or if this is one of those situations where they are not compatible to be in a relationship with each other but still have great sexual chemistry and chose to “just have sex” because it “doesn’t mean anything”. I’d proceed very carefully. You should confirm there is nothing sexual between them or that something in the past hasn’t happened. If you’re sure they are not or have not had a sexual relationship in the past, yneed to be honest with your husband about boundaries with her. If he is resistant to this, pay attention because may not be willing to break this off with her.
Sorry no, especially since she keeps rubbing it in your face. She clearly wants a reaction and is trying to get under your skin. Your husband should be setting appropriate boundaries that respect you and your marriage.
She’s a pick me girl and she clearly has her own issues and insecurities. But she should not be disrespecting you or your marriage.
My sister doesn’t sit in my lap. Her excuse makes no sense.
You’ll be called a lot of names and blamed for feeling the way you do.
My opinion: She’s crossing the line and knows it. She’s trash. Your husband is a shit head for not putting a stop to it. Let’s see how her husband feels about it. Maybe he’ll kick your husband’s ass and dump her on the curb. It would be really funny if all her so-called brother and sister bullshit stops as soon as she gets married.
My female childhood best friend that I’m still best friends with and consider my sister has NEVER ONCE sat on my lap and I WOULD BE LIVID if she chose to pull that shit in front of my wife.
Your husband here is the problem. He’s allowing this to happen, when he knows you dont like it.
It’s unfair to put this on you when you work with her family members. But I would just ask an awkward question back. Next time she asks if it’s okay, “is your fiancée okay with it?”.
If this doesn’t work, I’d then go for being direct and probably just leave the moment she sat down on the lap.
Shes enjoying your reaction, don’t give her the pleasure of it. Then I’d rip your husband a new one when he gets home.
**Put yourself first. Stop putting up with their BS.**
Bruh, if another woman sat on my husband’s lap and my husband allowed it, I’d destroy both of them and then skullfuck him in the divorce proceedings.
I have a brother – I would rather eat my own hand than sit on his lap. It’s weird. She is doing this on purpose. She is asking you over and over again because she knows it’s inappropriate and is trying to start shit. Next time ask her if you can sit on her fiancé’s lap. See how she and HE feels about this. Your husband should know at this point that her friendliness is unacceptable- he needs to handle this. If he won’t, than you shouldn’t be afraid to speak up – make it uncomfortable, make things awkward, and shut it down next time.
She’s not your problem, your husband is.
Please don’t tell people you’re okay with things that you aren’t. Also she’s gross.
The one you have an issue with is your husband. HE is the one who was disrespectful. There will always be women who are desperate for attention. HE is letting you know he is NOT trustworthy.
You shouldn’t have to even tell him it’s inappropriate. Once you’ve expressed the impropriety to him he should respect it no questions asked.
If you want to bother working with him on this get marriage counseling. Personally, if you have to teach your partner to act with respect it isn’t worth it to me.
I don’t know brother’s and sisters that leap into each other’s arms and sit on each other’s laps….. Maybe I’m weird? Probably not tho lol
Draw. The. Line. NOW.
You’re completely justified in feeling the way you do, and your husband should be on your team about this. HE should be the one pushing her off his lap, but if he won’t, you have every right to do so.
You’re his wife, and you come before any other female now. He should’ve known that before he said “I do”. I’m seeing this as less of an issue between you and this woman and more of an issue with your husband and his respecting you. Have a talk. Express your concerns honestly. Don’t nag. Don’t cry. Just tell him what it is.
So, on one hand this could just be sister/brother type relationship….BUT, the consistently asking you is bizarre and weird and THATS what I find inappropriate.
A woman who keeps asking in order to “not make it weird” is making it inappropriate by constantly acknowledging she’s doing something you might not like.
If she loves your husband so much, then a respectful person feels out the situation and doesn’t act like that until there is real relationship built between all of you.
My husband has a female best friend. She’s also beautiful and famous. They are so exited when they see each other and he picks her up and twirls her around. I LOVE this. Why? Because when I first met her she made sure to email ME to make plans, text ME me when she had a question, etc. Initially she included me over him in order to create a relationship between she and I that made me feel so respected and safe with their friendship. I trust my husband immensely and she created a friendship with me that made me feel like I could trust her too.
Anyway, this woman seems so insecure and childish and next time she says something straight up say, “Why do you keep bringing this stuff up? Are you uncomfortable with your own behavior because this is childish to me.”
Your husband is entertaining this lady’s inappropriate behaviour.
If he actually cared about your feelings AND had respect for you and your marriage he would be nipping that shit in the butt. No questions asked
Husband = problem. Your just scratching the surface. Good Luck
Go sit in a divorce lawyers lap.
She was baiting you, she wanted to start a fight and was disappointed when it didn’t work. Your HUSBAND should have stood up and removed her from his lap – HE’S the issue here. He could stop this if he wanted to. He continues to encourage her by not stopping it. I would be much more wary than you are.
Your husband could put a stop to all of this but he doesn’t. That’s what is concerning, and should concern YOU. Ask him why he doesn’t and see what he has to say and what his reaction is.
I’ve met women like this. And oftentimes the men either enjoy the attention too much or are too chicken shit to do anything about it. It’s not about jealousy like you said, it’s about respect. If I were you I would 1. Take close pictures of it and send it to her fiancé and make it seem all innocent like “your girlfriend is having a blast!” 2. Tell your husband that even though he probably doesn’t want to stir up anything, he needs to tell her she’s making him uncomfortable and please never do that again.
I can’t imagine a situation where I, as a bystander, would think that was normal. However, I’d be giving your husband the side eye for not shutting it down, not you.
I have a brother. I have never sat in his lap.
I also have a male bestie. I have also never sat in his lap.