I’m seriously scared. This is not “I’m a petty older sister.” This is “I know my little sister and she is not okay.”
My sister got married one year ago. Since then, she has lost 15 pounds, lost all the color in her face, and stopped keeping up with friends. She is antsy, edgy, and nervous all the time. When you talk to her on the phone, she sounds like a robot- like she’s carefully selecting words. For reference, my sister is usually an energetic, super-loving and VERY soft-hearted personality. Being a people pleaser has been a problem for her in the past.
Her new husband is emotionally volatile. He mocks her in public and private. He doesn’t allow her to use his money or drive his car (she recently graduated and doesn’t have her own). He says she’s immature and poor money manager. He HATES. I mean HATES her family- including me. He tells her that we’re big problems in their lives and he needs to limit how much she talks to her mom and sister. He says I’m a bad influence on her. He’s sneaky, manipulative, accusatory, and brings her down any chance he gets. I’ve seen him play games with her in front of my eyes and when I see her fall for it, it breaks me. He tells her the secrets of a marriage should never leave the home and blew up on her when he suspected that she may be telling her mom things about him (she wasn’t)
I’ve tried getting to know him and talking to him like a friend, and my sister paid the price for that interaction. I’ve tried talking to my sister and reminding her to be smart and aware but it’s like talking to a puppet. MY FATHER had dinner with him once and came home and cried. He said, he is not a good guy- I’m scared for her.
I’m scared. It always starts as emotional abuse. I can’t reach her, her husband reads her messages, she isn’t being upfront either.
I feel helpless- like I’m about to lose a sibling and there’s nothing I can do.
3 comments
[https://captainawkward.com/2011/01/17/reader-question-4-my-friend-is-dating-someone-terrible-or-secrets-of-the-darth-vader-boyfriend/](https://captainawkward.com/2011/01/17/reader-question-4-my-friend-is-dating-someone-terrible-or-secrets-of-the-darth-vader-boyfriend/)
There is nothing you can directly do, but you may be able to let her know that you’re a safe place for her when she’s ready.
My friend gave a fake plant to her friend who was kind of in this situation. In the pot under the plant was a cell phone, money, and notes. In a private moment someone told her about what was hidden underneath and that if she ever needed help the phone number to everyone who loved her was saved on the phone and she could call anytime and anywhere to be picked up.
I can’t say the situation ended well for her tho, it broke everyone but him.
That sounds really difficult on many levels. While its probably killing you inside the best thing to do is continue to be available for your sister nonjudgmentally and tell her that you’re always available. Try not to give any opinions or comments about leaving that will confirm the lies he’s telling probably saying that her family hates him and wants the relationship to end (well its not technically a lie but its absent the good reason for wanting that).
With such overt abuse its not really about helping someone see the light, they know things aren’t right but they blame themselves or make excuses. Likely the best you can do is empower your sister by listening carefully and respectfully. Do as much research into abuse e.g Why Does he Do That by Lundy Bancroft is a free pdf online and there are other great resources online too.
Unfortunately in situations like this often family gets stressed and starts offering ultimatums or trying to control the situation, this usually backfires – keep in mind that you might need some boundaries for your own safety, but its good if you can maintain contact, as abusers flourish the more isolated their target is.
Again sounds really tough – take care and keep safe