Been married for 8 years, yet each year that passes I feel more alone than the one before
I moved with husband to a new state with no family & had to make all new friends (still don’t have many)
I am a SAHM and dedicate most of my hours and energy towards my 3 children & husband. I feel as if my only purpose in life is to be the best I can be for them as a mom & wife .
The problem is , my husband doesn’t know how to show me affection … it’s always been like this. Though he definitely did at least try a little in the beginning
Does he love me? Yes – I do know he loves me deep down. He’s an amazing dad to the children. But besides knowing that he loves me in his heart, I have nothing else I see from him that shows me any affection
He never, ever compliments me. And I mean never. Never has. Except during dating maybe a few flirty compliments here and there. I know he’s attracted to me , he just doesn’t tell me ever. It’s sad I get complimented by random men i dont know more than I do by my actual husband 🙁 I don’t care to hear it from anyone else – I wish I would hear it from him
We can have 10 hour long car rides with zero conversations. Maybe some small comment about a song or about to stop & get food. But that’s it.
I barely get responses from him when I text past “ok” , “whatever you want” , and maybe sometimes “what are you doing”. If I ever text him about my feelings , I rarely get a reply. If I try to talk to him in person , it’s even worse. He just shuts down. And I know that stems from his childhood & not being able to express his feelings w his parents. But I’ve tried the past 8 years to get him to change, and he hasn’t.
He comes home from work & just sits on the couch on his phone looking up stuff associated with his hobbies. We don’t ever have deep conversations. At all. I’m so deeply longing for that type of emotional connection, and it hasn’t come. And I know it’s never going to come.
I love to love , and I’m so passionate in my friendships & relationships. I have so many people who trust me and confide in me from back home .. and even the few I know here have quickly realized I’m a genuine person. Yet the person who I want to be like that with me has never once wanted to.
We go out with friends & I get so sad on the inside seeing the way husbands treat their wives. Grabbing their hands, kissing them randomly, flirting with them. The way they worship the ground they walk on.. i never feel that with him… but I still love him so deeply. I just wish I could be loved back the same way.
He doesn’t grab me in the kitchen , hold my hand in the car , kiss me when he gets home. Only time I get any of that is if he wants sex. And I just miss the affection that I never turn jt down , because in that moment and the rest of the night I get to feel him and be close to him. But then it’s back to being lonely until that happens again maybe a week or two later.
We don’t even argue barely , but how can you argue when you don’t even talk?
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to get divorced. Especially not with children in the picture. They adore him and I don’t want to put them through that. I also wouldn’t be able to go back to my home state I’m sure if we divorce due to the children & custody things. Again, I do love him. But I am so depressed. I tell him how I feel .. it does no good. Sometimes I feel like I just don’t even want to be alive anymore so I don’t have to deal with this heartbreak daily. But I don’t want to put my kids or family through that either. I’m not kidding when I say I am depressed. My children aren’t school aged and I don’t have anyone during the day to watch them if I even wanted to go speak to a counselor about this. I suggested couples therapy to him before and he didnt want to.
I just wish I could have a guy to have an emotional connection with , someone to talk about random things with and have fun or serious conversation with. I can honestly talk for hours. I have had exes before who I could stay up all night talking to before falling asleep. Actually we did used to do that on the phone when dating. I dont know what happened. Too bad people can’t be married & just have an emotional friendship with a man without it turning into an affair.
I’m sorry for rambling. I have so many feelings. And I hate showing weakness with my friends or family , so I keep it all bottled in. When I googled about my feelings Reddit threads came up so I figured why not. Even if I get no replies, it did feel better writing out how I feel.
If anyone is feeling the same and just needs someone to be friends with , I’m here! I hate that others feel the same way I am feeling. Being lonely while with someone really is worse than being lonely alone. Sigh. ☹️
6 comments
I’d suggest marriage counseling and or some form of therapy here. Good luck.
My wife’s the same fkng way. I’m moving out, still pick up and spend time with kids, but I’m done with her. All I want is someone to talk to and maybe cares about how awesome I am. Wtf. Scam ass mariage. Bait & switch. Blehhh!
Life is too short to be unhappy. You need to put your foot down and have a conversation that he participates in. He needs to agree to marriage counseling or you need to start considering separation. Do you want your children to grow up with your marriage as their model of love? Absolutely not. Put yourself first. Your happiness. Life doesn’t have to be like this.
Will he talk to you about why, specifically, he doesn’t “need to reassure you he thinks you look good”? My wife knows *exactly* how I feel about her and she knows how good she looks, but that doesn’t prevent me from telling her. I compliment her because I know it makes her happy and it reminds her how I feel.
What if you ask him to pay you one compliment each night — one you’d want to receive? This might a) be a way for him to start expressing himself and b) force him to intentionally contemplate all the different ways you affect his life. He might complain that it’s forced or that a compliment paid in this way isn’t genuine (both of which are partially true) but the point is to get him to work at it, if it’s so hard for him.
I hope you can convince him to change if he won’t get professional help.
This is why I’m finally leaving my husband. This is your only life.
From your post I feel he has always been like this. You hoped he would change which obviously didn’t happen. Being romantic, being able to express and understand feelings of others is on our DNA. It is either there or not. You need to decide for yourself if you can live with this for the rest of your life. But I really doubt anything will change.
I feel for you. I myself am very romantic person, I need to be able to express my feelings, my desires. My wife and I kiss many times a day, we hold our hands when we have a walk. I can even grab her boobs behind her bathrobe when kids are not around. This is vital part of our life and our love for each other.