Tl;dr: my boyfriend(20) keeps pressuring me(19) into mouth stuff. I, due to past trauma, dont feel comfortable with it. Should I break up?
So, I(19) have had a traumatic sexual event at the age of 15 which put me off liking boys or trying “serious” relationships for some years. Long story short, I’ve been with this guy (freshly 20) for over a year now. It’s my first “more mature” relationship. Everything’s alright, he is sweet and caring, our sexual life is good. However, he keeps pressuring me into “mouth stuff”. He always keeps asking me to give him a blowjob (almost every time we have sex), or wants to finish on my face/in my mouth. Because of the said event, I feel like I am not ready and Im not quite sure if I’ll ever be. We have talked about this, we didnt really discuss the event (Im not comfortable talking about it yet), but he knows that some things have happened. It seems like he is sympathetic and nice, but the next time we have sex, it’s the same story again. I feel like every time he asks or talks about it, I just lose a piece I like about him. It’s added up over a year. I guess what I’m asking is, should I give this relationship some more time, or will this simply not change (perhaps in your experience)? I want to add, apart from this thing, everything is quite alright with him and us. Thanks in advance!
36 comments
What would be the best course of action IMO is to have a genuine talk with him. Sit him down and just tell him how you feel and why. After this you should explain that if things don’t change then you can’t continue the relationship. I know it’s really difficult to just outright tell people how you’re feeling, but it’s very very important if you’re not comfortable with what’s going on.
Let him know this is a hard no (something never to be asked in the moment). Tell him you’ll let him know if this changes, but you are unsure if it ever will. If he asks again, he isn’t respecting your boundaries, and you should absolutely end it.
Communicate clearly first. If he doesn’t respect how you feel find someone who does.
If you are communicating that this is a hard no for you, and it is something your boyfriend feels he needs, it may be time to part ways. You are entitled for feel safe and respected in your boundaries, but he is also entitled to find someone that can/will meet his needs sexually.
If you have already told him you don’t feel comfortable doing it (even if you didn’t want to go into detail about why) and he keeps asking over and over again, you need to tel him either he stops asking for it or you are leaving him, he needs to respect your boundaries.
I think maybe he thinks in the heat of the moment you’ll change your mind. I dont think hes understood how important it is for you for him to not ask you for a bj. Maybe he thinks its a him thing or you just rather not. Be honest and open with him. If after he sees how much a big deal it is to you and snaps on you or keeps pressuring you, there’s your answer
Dating is to figure out if you are compatible and it sounds like you might not be, but it’s not clear what your communication has been like to date.
Make sure you have communicated that this is off the table and is never to be brought up again, and he can accept it or that you can part as friends with no hard feelings.
(If you have been that clear, and he keeps pressing it, then maybe forget the friends part and just ghost him)
you need to leave. he doesn’t respect you or your boundaries and keeps pushing something he knows is traumatic for you.
I guess if you really want to give him another chance, you can sit him down (during a non-sexual time) and tell him “I am not comfortable with doing (whichever sex acts). You repeatedly ask me for them even though I’ve said no and explained that it is traumatic. I need you to never ask for these acts again. If I am ever comfortable with it, I will initiate them. If you can’t respect this boundary, we’re over.”
But frankly, if he’s been like this a year, then he knows you don’t want to do these things, he’s just hoping that continually asking will wear you down until you give in. I’d just dump him
Your 19 let him go!!Don’t do sexual stuff that you don’t like!
The first time you said no he should have listened. He shouldn’t be pressuring you to don anything you’re not comfortable with, it’s even worse considering your previous trauma which he is aware you have. His behaviour is not ok
I definitely don’t agree with him continually asking for oral sex especially since you have discussed this somewhat.
However, I don’t think you are compatible.
Therapy would be a good idea especially since you have some trauma about it. Obviously you don’t ever need to participate in oral sex at all, but therapy would be beneficial to help you manage your trauma, when you feel ready.
The relationship will not change until you change something.
Either tell him how you feel and why, and see if that corrects things, or break it off. I can 100% assure you that he isn’t going to stop liking blowjobs. I can almost 100% assure you that he isn’t going to spontaneously realize how this is affecting you.
Tell him it’s time to choose whether living without it is a dealbreaker for him bcoz you already told him living with it is for you and he seems to not hear you.
One more time, I’d walk away.
No is no
I’m so sorry for your experience.
Tell him it’s a hard boundary that shouldn’t be brought up unless YOU bring it up. I hope he doesn’t realize the seriousness of the situation but if he does and he’s still doing this, then I really don’t think this relationship can be salvaged – you deserve better than that.
Gentle nudge to get into therapy if you’re not already. I had a similar but different enough experience that I didn’t deal with until over ten years after the fact. I wish I had earlier.
Tell him this is a hard boundary for you and if he doesn’t respect it, you will note tht your’e not sexually compatible and need to end the relationship
tell him no. if he asks again during sex, walk out. you’ve been doing this for a year???
No is a complete sentence. You do not owe him an explanation. If he continues to push, kick him to the curb
Tell him no?
Run and run far far away
yes you are 19. You should be with someone who you are comfortable with..
He’s not nice at all. Pretending to be nice and actually being nice aren’t the same thing. Him saying he understands then blatently ignoring it when the time comes shows he’s actually not nice. You can have one more shot if you really need that to move on fully, I’d suggest a bit of agression because being passive he’s just brushing it off. MAKE him listen that if he tries it one more time you’re out. Have your belongings already packed when you have this discussion and a plan. He’s been warned, you owe him nothing after that. I think he’s confusing you, his girlfriend with an escort. And this is becoming a really rediculous problem.
You said you’ve spoken to him about it before yet he continues to pressure you so i think you need to have one more serious talk and if it doesn’t work out then leave him. i’m betting he keeps asking as a way to wear you down until you say yes and it’s fucked up. tell him you’re just not comfortable with it because of something traumatic from your past (you don’t have to go into detail if you’re not ready) and let him know you might not ever change your mind about doing it and he’s just going to have to deal with it. if it’s a dealbreaker for him then you’re better off without him and hopefully can find someone who understands and is accepting of your boundaries
As a guy. I will say this. He probably has a fetish from blowjobs and swallowing. Meaning that no matter what you tell him he will keep asking. If you are not ready after this long you won’t ever ready. Traumatic experience last a life time even with therapy.
*wants to finish on my face / in my mouth* Dude watches entirely too much porn
It’s not my relationship so I can’t tell you what to do but anyone who continually pressures you into doing things that you are not comfortable with doesn’t seem like the right partner for you. I’d recommend discussing this with him again and if the behavior doesn’t change to consider parting ways. I wish you lots of luck and happiness in your romantic life!
You two are sexually incompatible. The longer you stay with him the more you’ll both resent each other, for entirely different reasons.
He doesn’t respect you or your boundaries!! Time to end it!!
Hi, first of all I’m so sorry for the traumatic experience you went through. I’m sure it’s hard and please never feel pressured to talk about it until you’re truly ready. I think if this is a dealbreaker to him and he isn’t open to listen that you might not be comfortable with this then it might be time to part ways. He is on his right to have his needs met sexually but you are also within your right to deny ANY sexual advance because you do not feel comfortable and don’t let anyone to pressure you or make you feel like shit because you aren’t able to do something sexual for them. Also if his sexual needs being met 100% are more important than his feelings for you again i think it’s better to part ways. You are 19 there’s tons of good men outside that will value you, have similar sexual needs and respect your boundaries. Good luck x
Usually the nice and calm, talking through communication is the key – however in your case probably its time to yell. A ‘dude I told you a million times that NO I dont want to do it why the f are you still pushing it???’ might do the job.
Finishing on somebody face or in the mouth is not common, mostly porn stuff. Especially cumming on the face – it looks good on camera but humiliating for the girl. Some people are into it but most dont.
Tell him no or tell him to fuck off if he cant understand a simple no.
It won’t change
When people show you who they are, believe them.
You have told him this triggers past trauma for you. Repeatedly. Yet he insists.
Time to leave him. He definitely doesn’t deserve you.
Please talk to a therapist and get some counselling too. I think it will help you.
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
So here’s the thing, ANY pressure into ANY kind of sexual encounter is a no go and a deal breaker if the partner cannot understand that. It doesn’t even matter why you do not like giving blowjobs, if you do not want that nobody should pressure you into it. Yes, you may break up with him for 2 reasons: he does not seem to respect your boundaries and also he may want someone into blowjobs.
As a guy who, obviously, likes blowjobs, my ex-wife told me she does not want do to that anymore after around 1-2 years of awful blowjobs which were an effort from her. I NEVER insisted and I tried to adapt. 12 years later we divorced because I did want to experiment more sexually since she was my highschool sweetheart BUT never once during those 12 years did I ever insist on the manner. I want more sex stuff, you do not, then I leave peacefully if that is what I really need BUT there shouldn’t be any pressure from anybody.
Always cut the ties early when bad red flags arise.
He’s not worth your time if he doesn”t respect bounaries, esp. about sex.
He knows what he is doing, he just doesn’t care about your needs and boundaries. Time to let go. Life’s too short to relive your trauma’s with someone who pretends to care about you.